What sucks the most about infertility is having opposite reactions to what in normal circumstances would be good news. What sucks is instead of feeling happy for another woman's pregnancy all I feel is depression and anxiety.
Will I ever be pregnant?
Today a co-worker came over to my desk to chat. She recently returned from maternity leave and has been supportive of me when I told her about our struggles with infertility last fall. Back in October she sent me an email telling me how hard she knew this was for me and how good of a mom she thought I would be when our baby finally arrived.
So...it's very important for me that I remain on good terms with this woman, because I know her heart is in the right place. When I talk to her I ask about her kids and family and she sometimes asks about our adoption. Today she wanted to tell me about a trip that she has planned to Hawaii to visit her sister. I remembered that her sister had been married last August.
I knew what was coming next - the other shoe would drop.
She finally said that the reason she's going to Hawaii is that her sister is pregnant and due soon and she wants to help out. This is great news, but I wanted to just crawl under my desk and curl into a ball and rock until the work day was over.
This story is so normal and great . . . but it made me feel like shit.
I got through it okay. Wished her well and told her to have fun. I'm hoping that there will come a time when I can share stories about my kids with this woman. I can't burn all of my bridges with the real world just because I'm struggling with infertility.
I wish I lived in Hawaii. I wish I was pregnant. I hope we can get there.
I want to be normal. I just want to feel happy again.
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