holiday

I know Dr.'s need vacations too. Mine is taking his for two weeks in the middle of July - the hard thing about this is that this is the same time that my first IVF cycle is scheduled to start. Let me make this clear, the clinic hasn't scheduled me in yet, that's just when I wanted to get the ball rolling on this next phase of our baby-making journey. The past few months have been agonizing hell for me as I've been waiting for my body to "return to normal" after our 6th and final failed IUI cycle. My hormones seem to be settling down, if all goes well my period should arrive on Saturday or Sunday.

Ha ha ha. Yes I am laughing at myself, because I know how things that we expect to happen don't happen the way we want them to when we are traveling down the road of infertility. Usually my period is very regular, I hope it doesn't fail me in seven days.

I also have to jump through several other hoops before we can start this cycle. I have to have good day 3 labs and I have to have a clear sono. These seem like big things to me now. Last year my attitude would have been "I'm sure everything will be great on me." Now my attitude is "okay, what are we dealing with now, and how much further am I from a positive pregnancy test?"

The journey if infertility has turned me into a different person. 

My days feel so blah. Here it is already almost July. The 4th used to be a really fun holiday for me, but now I don't really care. All I care about is when my name gets slotted on my IVF clinic's calendar and when I can start taking the meds. I know one of the main things that women say when they look back on their struggle with infertility is that they wish they hadn't stress so much, that they had enjoyed the beautiful moments in front of them, but I just can't. I just can't.

I'm sorry that I can't.

This holiday means nothing to me if I can't celebrate it one day with a child. I feel like I'm being childish, that I should just get over it, but again I can't. I am going to have a good day on the 4th. My husband will be home, I'm sure we'll do something fun and distracting. But I'm focused on one thing here - for better or worse.

Hopefully for the better.