fertility salsa

I've been doing everything that I can lately to increase my odds of success for our upcoming IVF. As far as I can tell the only things I can really do are take special care with my diet and focus on keeping a positive attitude and letting go of all of my stress.

Easier said than done, right?

So, one of the ways that I've always combated stress is cooking. Here's a recipe for a fun, fresh salsa that will also boost your fertility.

Fertility Salsa

1 can organic black beans
1 can organic corn
1 jalapeno pepper - de-seeded and minced very small
1 avocado - diced
1 bunch of green onions - minced very small
2 cloves garlic - minced
a few tomatoes - I only had one that I harvested from my garden

Chop all veggies and mix together in large bowl. Then drizzle 3 tablespoons of olive oil, 1 teaspoon cumin and salt and pepper over the mixture and combine. I didn't have any limes, but the juice from one lime also adds some zip to this salsa.

Watch this video to get some other ideas on fertility super foods. I found it to be very helpful.

Talk you later:

Jillian

P. S.  I changed the comment settings on this blog, so hopefully that will allow some of you who haven't been able to post comments to share! Thanks!

P. S. S. I talked to our insurance provider today and it looks like they will be covering a majority of our IVF medications - if this turns out to be the case we've just received a major blessing. We will still be paying out of pocket for the procedure, but having to pay a co-pay for the meds would be wonderful. I'll have to call back to our insurance company again in a few days and talk to a different rep and see if they give me the same cost estimates. Nothing's final until you get the bill . . .

counting down the days

This is what July has been for me - Xs on a calendar.

I know it's sad, but the best part of every day for me has been the moment each evening when I take my birth control pill and X another day off. We're getting closer and closer to the 30th which is when we sign our consent forms and begin our protocol.

There have been other things going on. Some deadlines at work, a trip up to the farm for a family gathering and bonfire. I've been keeping my weekly acupuncture appointment and I even read a book this weekend: The Fault In Our Stars.  Which I found to be just depressing, but I couldn't stop reading it because I had to see what happened to the characters. I won't be seeing the movie. Wrapping up The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaimin - as well. I even sewed some buttons on a baby sweater for one of the women in my book club.

So I've been doing more than marking off days . . . but right now my life feels pretty hollow.

Trying to fill that large gap with hope.

Talk to you soon!

Jill

practice transfer and sono (IVF #1)

Well, I made it through today.

My uterus feels like a punching bag, but I'm not going to complain. The results of my sonohysterogram were clear and good. I have a tilted uterus (like my mother and my twin sister) so the doctor had a difficult time positioning the ultrasound wand to get a clear shot. I barely felt the practice transfer. It was kinda a let down after the build-up in my mind.

I was dreading this appointment because with our luck I thought something will show up on the sono that will impede our forward progress. We are finally, slowly, day-by-daily inching forward.

Now my good doctor goes on vacation for two weeks and then WE CAN START.

Some good news is that we saw an egg follicle on my left ovary. Even though I'm on birth control (Emoquette) it looks like I will be ovulating. My doctor said that this is quite common for this type of birth control since they have such low hormone levels. I was elated with that news (but I'm an infertile) I think I would have panicked if I would have been someone who wasn't trying desperately to have a child.

So . . . I should ovulate in a few days.

One more shot the dark to do this naturally. Could be our lucky month.

Don't worry I'm not holding my breath . . . but sometimes fate is a weird sort of fairy-godmother.

Outside of those crazy musings, I've started to stockpile Crinone and begun the calls to the insurance company to inquire about drug coverage. We are not expecting any coverage so any sort of savings would be a windfall.

Well there have been a lot of BFPs in my blog roll this month. So happy for all of you new mommies and I hope I can join your ranks soon.

Peace out.

keeping it together

I made it through the family gathering. It was better (but also more terrible) than I thought it would be. On the surface everything went fine. There were two infants there - one a nephew and the other a cousin - both were born during the time that my husband and I have been trying. It was just bittersweet to look at them. 

If things would have worked out differently . . .

My sister-in-law was there (with the nephew). It was difficult to see her - though I tried not to show it. Two years ago we were gabbing all about how we wanted to start families and, well, hers started and ours didn't.

She never said one word to me about my infertility. She just ignored me.

I was (and still am) very hurt by her behavior. She did explain self-righteously after I asked that she felt it wasn't her place to comment on our infertility, that it should be personal and private. It was so hard last summer being a despairing wall-flower during her pregnancy. Always asking her how she was doing while she pointedly ignored our struggles.

I just don't think her behavior was right, but she feels justified and this entire situation with my husband's family has turned into a nightmare.

I guess I was raised to try to comfort and help people. If I knew someone was suffering I would try to help them. I feel bad about the times that I know I've said insensitive things to people in the past. I know I probably say a dozen insensitive things every day. But if I know someone is struggling I try to help them. And I don't like seeing other people slighting them.

Infertility is hard. I think most pregnant people would wish to see their infertile friends get pregnant, but you just can't order that sort of thing up.

There have been other women who have reached out to me and said kind things - just not my in-laws. Anyway, it's hard to go to family get-togethers and watch my sister-in-law bouncing her baby around. She has no idea how gutted she would feel that baby was just a hopeful dream that kept slipping out of her reach and someone else was smugly jiggling their baby in her face while giving her a pitying look.

I'm going to avoid family gatherings for a while. I went to this last one because I felt like I had something to prove, but when I came home there still was no baby and I don't think I proved anything to anyone.

family gatherings

Before infertility I enjoyed hanging around with my husband's family and friends. Looking back I have to admit that part of my enjoyment rested in a steady belief that soon we would be the smug parents of a growing family. Soon I would be a busy mother chasing her toddler around the room to the humorous comments of observing grandparents and aunties and uncles.

But our infertility has put a stop to that.

It's hard to keep going to family gatherings and say hello to some of my husband's cousin's wives who are on their third and fourth children. They just don't comprehend our situation.

We have a gathering that we can't avoid next week. A cousin is visiting from Ireland. She has an infant who is the same age as our nephew. I'm sure my sister-in-law and her husband with be there with said nephew. The talk will probably be all about babies and I will find myself in the backyard doing a poor job of hiding out with the host's poodle.

I don't want to go - but it can't be avoided. Everyone will know why I wasn't there. That I couldn't take it.

They have no idea how hard it is to attend family gatherings and put on a happy face.

I'm counting down the days of our IVF cycle. I hope that this doesn't end in more pain and despair. I know I can't place my hope and faith that this cycle will work . . . if I do that I will end up more hurt than ever.

I have some modest hope that it will work. (That hope is so strong, but it's tempered with experience.)

Will having a baby and being a mother make attending family gatherings easier? Will I ever forget how people slighted and ignored us during this difficult time? Will I come out a bigger and better person?

I hope so.

day 3 labs

Day three labs were normal.

Finally, I can let go of this crazy anxiety that I've been carrying around that I'd messed up my body beyond repair. I think it was time and acupuncture that brought me back around.

Thank you for this blessing. Is what I whispered after I got off the phone with the nurse from the clinic. We still have several appointments to go before we can start injections, but tonight I will start on the birth control pill.

I suppose you have all felt the irony of that. Two years ago my husband and I were whispering together before bedtime, plotting when we should get off the pill. We actually delayed a few months - because if we got pregnant that first month I would have been due to have the baby during my husband's annual training. That wasn't a stretch in my imagination - my twin got pregnant her first month of trying three years ago.

Happy fools.

But I do wish we could go back to that place. That giddy excitement and relaxation that comes with the expectation that life is going to go exactly as you have planned. This last year and a half has been a roller coaster of tears and emotional agony. Very few people have been able to relate to our struggle . . .

Day three labs were normal.

I'll take it.