moving forward

It's taken a few weeks to move past our failed IVF, but I realized that I'm feeling a lot better today and that I have great hope for the future. The past few weeks have been filled with work and after work activities.

I joined a knitting group that meets at a local cafe.

Garrett and I went to a parenting class at our church - even though we don't have kids yet. Our pastor has known that we've been trying to adopt for over a year now. He said "It's good to see you're starting early . . . " when he saw us at the event. It was kinda funny to be the odd couple out amidst a throng of young parent's trying to keep their children in hand. We got some funny looks, and funny comments, but they didn't bother me. Deep in my heart I have faith that I'll need the teachings delivered at the seminar just as much as they do. Also, just knowing for myself how much I have grown as a person to get to this place makes me feel strong and at peace. Six months ago - even two months ago - I never would have been able to bring myself to that place. I know I'll have good and bad days, but this past Friday was a good day and night.

I have book club this week. We read "Wool" by Hugh Howey. This is always a fun night for me. Most of the women there are mothers with older kids, though one of our members is expecting her first child at the beginning of October. She's thirty-eight . . . from my perspective of being thirty-five, it's just nice to see that pregnancy is still possible for me. It's much harder to sit and chat with a pregnant twenty-something.

We're also thinking about signing up for Financial Peace University, which is a financial class about budgeting and getting out of debt. Infertility has really made us watch what we spend and save. It's also taught us how to be prepared financially for an emergency - infertility has been one long "out of pocket" emergency for us. We only have our mortgage and my school loans as major expenses, but now we understand how important it is to be financially responsible. I have been very grateful about the fact that we can "cash flow" our treatments and I never want to put us in a position where lack of funds prevents us from growing our family. Our goal is to be debt free - that's including our mortgage in ten years . . . . if not sooner. (Hopefully we can climb out of this hole called infertility - because that's what's holding us up.)

I've been going to church more and reading my bible. I read or heard somewhere that suffering brings a person closer to God. That's been so true for me. The only place that seems to really speak to my emotional lows is scripture and I've been very lucky to hold onto that.

I've started writing more. I have an English degree and a love of books that I've never really put to good us. Maybe this child-free time in my life and be used toward making the dream of being a published author come true? Whatever happens, it's good to have a positive goal to work toward.

All of our paper work has been turned into the National Embryo Donation Center. Now the ball is in their court. We're hoping to get in for an appointment in December. If all looks good . . . we're in line for a January or March FET. I'm hoping for January . . . It's so hard to wait.

I got my period last weekend . . . so we'll be trying naturally this month. It feels good to be off of the hormones and shots. I had some wine with dinner last night and plan to have a glass tonight . . . small pleasures that I would love to give up soon . . . 

Sending love to you all!

Jillian