I spoke too soon . . .
After my last post I felt up to organizing my office. I ended up sitting on the floor and going through a box of cards and letters that range over the past ten years of my life.
I saw birth announcements.
Birthday cards.
Anniversary cards.
I re-read some of the cards. The past two years my husband and I have been telling each other. "I'm so sorry that this was such a hard year, honey. Next year will be better. I am so happy to have you in my life."
And then I realized we're due for another round of these Christmas cards showing growing families. We're due for another round of birthdays and holidays and NOTHING HAS CHANGED for us since last year.
I'm just going to be another year older.
Now, I'm sad again. We've been going through this for two hard years.
I'm hopeful . . . but I can't "make-up" holiday cards that feature our child. I can't "make-up" an anniversary card to my husband that says "all our dreams came true this year, honey. You're a wonderful mom."
Instead I realize we're due for another round of fingerprints and questions because our home study is up for renewal.
All of this evidence of the struggle of infertility is sometimes too much to take. Now I have to make something of the rest of my day. I can walk the dog and prepare the soup that I planned to make for dinner. Then there's that glass of wine I was looking forward to earlier in the day. Somehow I've got to get through this.
Monday looms . . . deep breath. . .
I've felt the same way. Milestones can be so hard, especially when there's written triggers like cards. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteOh no, honey. I know how this feels. I really know how this feels. I don't think any of us anticipated spending these years of our lives doing this and it feels terribly empty and emotional. It is so frustrating to feel that you are still on the pendulum and that time is passing you by.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I know that you are inherantly not someone who is moody or pessimistic. You are strong, you are resilient and this will pass. Life is a long ride and we have to keep looking out toward the last mile, not the first. I know it is always a tough readjustment to look forward and not know, but do go out and do something nice and indulgent for yourself.
Waiting with you.
I had a sad moment, so I wanted to augment my comment. My friend (with the twins HCG) messaged me to tell me it's twins. And in the same breath, asked me, how are you, dear.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I wanted to say, is that these moments, many moments, of sadness and frustration, are very normal for what we are going through. You feel like you're just sitting on a dock, watching pregnancies and anniversaries go by. This is especially true if you're just veering from supporting one after another person who is a new mother, excited or dissatisfied with their kids, or a taker. One thing that helps me is to put some distance between ourselves and these people (I think it's necessary because there's no way we don't clash in where our focus is right now) and focus on the next step of our journey, and then putting the next step in front of that and then the next, and not to lose sight of what We are trying to accomplish.
I feel the same way about holiday cards. Last year I put yet another picture on ours of just my husband and I, and in return received loads of cards with babies and growing children. So hard... Hang in there, hopefully your Tuesday is brighter!
ReplyDelete