the days go by . . .

The days go by . . .

I was sitting at a stoplight on my way home from work and I realized that I was praying. I've been doing that a lot lately and it's really improved my attitude and outlook on life. Mainly I've been giving thanks for all of the blessings in my life. Like my health, husband, and job. This beautiful world. The fall weather has been beautiful around here.

I've been praying for patience and strength. Praying that I can be a good wife, friend, sister and daughter and one day . . . a mom.

I've been praying lately too for our donor family - the couple who will donate their embryos for us to adopt. Praying for guidance and that we are connected with a really great people who are healthy and strong . . . so that our kids will inherit those traits.

At the beginning of September I knew we had a six month wait until we could transfer the embryos in March. We're already 1/3 of the way through our wait now that it is the end of October.

The days go by . . .

We paid off a huge chunk of my student loans yesterday with our refunded money from our failed IVF. They refunded us about 45% of the initial fees charged. I wish we had a baby instead of a refund . . . but I'm glad we could turn and use the money responsibly. I may not want to work as much when I'm a mother - so sacrifice now and reap the benefits later.

We've been following the Total Money Makeover, by Dave Ramsey which I would highly recommend. Infertility treatments often balance on the health and wealth of a couple's finances. That's so sad, but it's very true. Not having the money to do a treatment would be heartbreaking. One of the best things for my marriage has been getting on the same page financially. We've agreed to sacrifice certain things so that we can make a go at this dream we have called having a family.

It means staying in our starter house (we'll probably be here forever) and not going on vacations, but if I can hear my kids calling out to me someday in this house it will be worth every dream that we've let go of. Family is the most important thing.

So . . . the days are going by . . .  I hope and pray they are bringing us closer to our family. I pray for each of you too - that you get the families you're praying for as well.

XOXO

Jillian

day 02 - mock cycle

That old witch came to visit - my period - and just in time for Halloween week. It was three full days late. I guess I feel lucky, because I knew I wasn't pregnant but Google told of some women having really off cycles the month after a failed IVF cycle.

Day 02 of my mock cycle. Just popping a birth control pill each night before bed.

I've got three weeks of this, then I'll stop, get my period, and start taking Estrace about a week after that.

Wooh hooh! Exciting.

My husband and I just wrapped up our first round of paper work for our home study renewal. Now we have to schedule an appointment with our social worker and then wait for her to update all of our paperwork. I've got a few months wiggle room here. We're aiming to have everything complete the first week of January 2015, since we can't move forward with our embryo adoption until our three year wedding anniversary on the 7th of January. I think I'm anticipating this January 7th more than I did the January 7th of our actual wedding.

Kinda funny.

Well, I hope you all are well. It's Friday tomorrow!

Jillian

hormone flux + disappointment

Well, ladies my hormones are all messed up again. Remember this past summer? Me and clomid? Well, I should have guessed that my body would also react in a similar way to all of those IVF drugs. Because my period has not arrived - nor am I pregnant.

This could mess up my mock trial which is going to culminate on December 1, when my husband and I drive out to Tennessee to meet with Dr. K. and see how my body responds to the estrace. Blurg. I called NEDC this morning and spoke with the IVF nurse. She said that if my period doesn't show up by next Monday to give them a call. Apparently I have about a week's worth of wiggle room to still make this test run. We'll still head out to Tennessee to get the ball rolling, but I will have to do my mock trial here and have my results send to Dr. K. I just wish we could do it all there.

Now I'm praying for my period.

No comment.

Today was a rough day at work. I had recovered somewhat the night before, but sitting at work I realized that my sister-in-law is pregnant and I'm not. I just felt like shit. I know it's bad. I just read what I wrote . . . but I still felt like shit. It's just that it happened and it happened to someone else and I don't wanna celebrate with her.

I want to pout in the corner like a baby. I want to cry and throw a tantrum.

But I will do none of those things. Sigh. It's her turn now. It's sucks for us, but her pregnancy has redefined their entire life. Transformed. Now they have so many new hopes and assumptions about their future.

I emailed my brother to congratulate him. Just a short note. I tried to make it funny and heartfelt. I was disappointed when he emailed me back that he knew I would be happy for him. No comment about how we must be feeling about having a failed IVF the same month they got pregnant.

I was disappointed in him. If my husband were here he would ask "but where you surprised by his words?"

No. I wasn't.

I'm sad that he didn't acknowledge our struggle in contrast to his joy. The acknowledgment of that would have meant that we are "in relationship." That we as siblings have a symbiotic relationship. That our joys and sorrows are shared. (I believe they are.) But he doesn't see it. So often we isolate those who struggle. We cut off their pain from our joy. We don't talk about it.

If he just could have said: "Yah, we're so happy. We know how blessed we are. We struggled a bit, you know, but we got lucky. I know how much you have struggled. I know how hard last month was for you. This must be hard for you. Thank you for the congratulations. I hope you guys are pregnant soon too."

Instead he said: I knew you'd be happy for us. That's it.

I read back through my blogs and I am aware that I'm pretty hyper-critical about people's words. I'm usually labeling people as jerks. No one can seem to say anything right. I mean, I know I'm that way. I'm a critical person. That's not so good.

But come on - my brother and his wife got pregnant the month we had a failed IVF - I shared our grief with them in a very real email - and they can't even acknowledge our struggle.

I'll acknowledge your joy - you recognize our struggle. Just once.

another pregnancy announcement

 My brother's wife called and left a message on my phone yesterday.

Which was strange for her.

I didn't want to return the call, because I knew what was coming, but I forced myself to face the music.

They're pregnant.

I'm so happy for them. I guess the hard thing for me is that her pregnancy will follow the exact path of days that our pregnancy would have followed - if our IVF had been even remotely successful.

Just another kick in the pants that makes it hard for me to process mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Getting pregnant wasn't an easy journey for them. She required some medication and hormone treatment because she has PCOS . . . I think they've been trying to a little over a year. I'm happy that they're not in the same boat as we are, but now that my sister-in-law has gone over to the other side of hormonal mom-to-be land I'm still stuck here in crazy-infertile-couple land and it blows.

The holidays are coming up and it just blows that I'm going to have to listen to people asking her what her due date is. Early June 2015.

I cried all last night. Just cried because I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of feeling that something's missing from our life - because it is. We're working so hard to try to create a situation that could lead us to be a family. Domestic adoption, embryo adoption and prayer, prayer, prayer.

But God is not answering my prayers - at least not now.

Trying to stay strong and put on a happy face. I'm glad I have a few weeks to make it strong. My brother and sister-in-law will be visiting the first week of November.

Hanging by a thread.

Jillian

more hoops (mock cycle)

If everything shakes down that way it has been shaking down for the past twenty-eight consecutive months, I will be getting my period this Thursday and then I will be starting birth control pills in preparation for our mock cycle at the end of November with Dr. K at the National Embryo Donation Center in Tennessee.

I'm excited. I mean, taking a pill each night before bed with psychologically help my brain and heart understand that we are moving on. We're doing something. Trying something new. This will work. I'm excited to start the adoption process and see what God has in store for us. I wish we could start matching with donor families before Christmas, but that's not how it's going to work out.

We will know soon enough.

I'm anxious, like I am before every new fertility endeavor that we embark on. How will my body respond? I have no idea. How will the Estrace effect my mood and emotions? I guess I'll just have to find out.

If any of you who have been to the NEDC clinic out in Tennessee have any suggestions on places to stay while we're there, it would be very much appreciated! I see that a list of suggestions was provided in our info packet, but I'm curious what you all think.

Thanks!

Jillian

big ol' butt (and mondays)

Today is a Monday.

Today is a Monday and I went into work, bent over, and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes, then my computer crashed five times.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes, then my computer crashed five times, and when I got home I discovered the dog had pulled some books off the bookshelf and destroyed them in the middle of the living room.

Today is Monday and I went into work, bent over and bust out the seam in the back of my trousers and had to drive home through rush hour traffic to change clothes, then my computer crashed five times, and when I got home I discovered the dog had pulled some books off the bookshelf and destroyed them in the middle of the living room, then I opened the fridge and all there is to eat is a jar of pickles and some mac'n'cheese.

But then my husband came home and gave me a smooch and laughed at my story (over and over and over) and you know what?

I am ok.

(Plus, I'm going shopping.)

piles of paperwork

I'm happy that it's the weekend again. As I write this I have some fresh pumpkin baking in the oven for the spiced pumpkin cake that I plan to make later today. Garrett is working, so I have the house to myself. I've done some cleaning, and I also took the cat to the vet.

We're renewing our home study so I have piles of paper work stacked on my desk.

We got our appointment at the National Embryo Donation Center - December 1, 2014! We will be taking a Thanksgiving road trip from Minnesota to Tennessee. That's about a 15 hour drive each way, but driving is still much, much cheaper than flying at that time of year.

We have to wait until January 7, 2015 - because that's our 3 year anniversary - to start making matches with donors. That's an extra month wait . . . God is good. I feel like all of the cogs on this invisible machine that is going to help us start our family are finally starting to line up and creak into motion.

We've been watching the videos provided by The National Fertility Support Center to help us understand the various aspects of embryo adoption. I'm hoping that nothing prevents us from having an open adoption with our child, because that really seems like the best way to go. It will be hard and scary, but it's the best thing for the child.

I'm already day dreaming about our family.

 . . . just a little bit . . .

Then I stop and say a prayer for patience and hope that this will work and get back to focusing on the day to day aspects of my life. Like I said, I took the cat to the vet today. It looks like she has some cavities. (I know!) (Cavities?) So I'll have to take care of that. Then there's this project that needs to go out at work. Then there's knitting and book club and the approaching holidays.

Before I know it January 7, 2015 will be here.

I am counting down the days . . . but I'm also trying to enjoy them.

To all of you celebrating pregnancy, I send you warm hopes. To all of you struggling with sorrow and loss, you are in my prayers. To all of you fighting to keep your babies safe and strong, I ask God to watch over you. To all of you waiting for joy, I am waiting with you. 

XOXO

Jillian