9 weeks

Merry belated Christmas!! And Happy New Year!

We made it through Christmas. We saw both sides of our families. It was a joyful and exhausting experience.

Logan is right at the age where he doesn't like to sit still and gets into absolutely everything. None of the houses we were at were baby proofed. So one of us was always chasing after the baby and making him put down whatever breakable he currently had in hand.

How lucky I am to get to chase after my baby.

We are 9 weeks pregnant today.

We had an ultrasound on Tuesday that went good. Baby was measuring right on track if not even a little a head. The baby had a heart rate of 147. My doctor refuses to use the stronger ultrasound that will calculate the heart rate automatically so we all spent twenty seconds staring at the ultrasound screen counting the baby's flickering heartbeat. Then we all tried to do the math in our heads for what the actual heart rate was. It was moving for me to calculate such an important number. The number of times my baby's heart was beating in that minute.

I've been throwing up and gagging pretty much every day. Yesterday I barfed on the street corner while waiting for the light to turn. It was in the AM and still dark so I don't think anyone saw me.

I'm starting to show a little bit - either that or I'm really bloated. With my first pregnancy I really didn't start to show until 12-13 weeks.

Praying for all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

7 week 1 day ultrasound

This past Friday we had our first ultrasound and we saw one perfect baby just where it was supposed to be with a strong heartbeat. My doctor did not run the heart rate part of the ultrasound, because he said if he could see the heart beating nice and strong he didn't want to blast our tiny baby with more intense ultrasound waves. So we didn't get a heart rate. But I did get to see this little one's heart flickering on the screen. It was surreal.

I'm currently 7 weeks 4 days pregnant and I'm really feeling it. I've just been so so worn out and I've had some minor uterine tenderness a sore back and just PMS symptoms in general all weekend long.

I think I'm worn out because my husband is home and I've been staying up longer than I was when he was gone to just hang out with him, but it's become pretty obvious that I should just go to bed when our son does.

So that's what I'm doing tonight. I'm writing this update in my PJs.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and well wishes!

We have another ultrasound in a week, then we will get released to my regular baby doctor.

Prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

6 weeks 2 days

The early part of week six has been exhausting!

I'm a single mom for two weeks because my husband is away for some training and we've been sick. First it was head cold and a cough, then I got the call from daycare on Monday afternoon that my son was throwing up. Yup, stomach flu for my one year old.

That night he woke up at 1 am and was crying having rolled in vomit. His entire crib had to be stripped, washed and remade and he needed a bath. Then I ended up with the flu on Tuesday afternoon. I started throwing up and really have not stopped, because all day morning sickness has kicked in. I throw up once or twice a day. Usually in the parking ramp in the morning because I can't stand the smell of the place. (I know it's terrible! I gag all the way to my office.)

So, the week has felt like a marathon.

Then on Friday morning, I started spotting. (I also got some minor, tingly cramps that lasted all day.)
I spotted at this time with my first pregnancy, but this bout was a little more severe. With my son, it was a watery brownish discharge. This time it was a watery pink/red and there was more of it. Not enough to fill a panty liner, but enough to set my frazzled brain on edge. I worked a half day that day and then went home and napped all afternoon before picking my son up from daycare. (I missed out on my office Christmas Party, but I would not have had fun if I stayed.)

It's Saturday night and the spotting has stopped. I'm so grateful! Now I've got heartburn :( :( I'll take that over spotting though.

I guess somewhere around 80% of FET pregnancies experience spotting. I knew it could happen to me again, but you never like to see red when you whip when you're pregnant. Scary. Scary.

I can't wait for my husband to get home because I've been doing way more lifting of my son than I would be doing if he were here. On Friday morning I stood holding him for around 5 minutes, because he was having a rough morning and he just wanted to be held and swayed. I think the extra lifting might be part of the reason for the spotting.

I hope it's gone, never to return this pregnancy!

We have our ultrasound this upcoming Friday - I will be 7 weeks 1 day pregnant.

Every new day I wake up pregnant is a miracle. Thanking God. Please pray for a healthy sustained pregnancy for us and a good ultrasound this week.

Praying for all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

5 weeks

 It's good to have week four behind us.

It was a great week. It contained my son's first birthday and thanksgiving, but the early days of a pregnancy seem very fragile. I was most happy during my first child's pregnancy when I could feel him kick and when I knew he was developing healthy and strong.

Like any other thing we cannot skip ahead but must live out each journey moment by moment.

One sad thing about the early days of this pregnancy for me is that I've been crazy busy with work, so busy I sometimes forget that I'm pregnant. Besides being very, very tired at the end of the day and a few momentary bouts of nausea, I haven't had any other symptoms.

My husband is away for work training for two weeks, so I've been doing the morning and evening injections by myself. I wobble a bit, so the injection sites are more tender than when he does them, so I'm excited for him to come home.

We have our 7 week ultrasound the day after he gets home on December 16.  Praying we see a healthy baby and heartbeat.

Praying for you all on this journey.
 
xoJill

thankful

As we were getting ready for this cycle this verse kept popping into my life. After our first ultrasound, I worried about the next ultrasound and I turned on my radio and the speaker was reading this verse. Then after I got off the phone with the nurse from the NEDC after our second ultrasound and she told me that our cycle could be canceled due to some fluid in my uterus I sat down at my desk at work, plugged in my headphones and immediately heard this verse again. I teared up, because I know God has a plan for our family. He has a plan for the precious embryos we adopted.

I'm not sure exactly what his plans are - I have my hopes and prayers. I know no matter what happens He keeps His promises.

The day of our transfer there was a bible sitting in the lobby of the NEDC and I turned to this verse to strengthen me and remind me of my future.

We got our second beta results today 14dp5dt - 1,226!

All I can do is pray that things keep moving in the right direction and that we get to bring home a healthy baby with a healthy mama at the end of July 2017.

I don't know why we have been so blessed. I am stunned and grateful. Thank you, thank you, God!

Here's our betas on the hCG chart. 

Thank you all for your prayers and support. Keep them coming! Praying for all of you on this journey. Praying for hope and strength to you all.

Thank you all of you who are donors. You change lives.

xo Jill

Praise God!

Thank you God!! Blood draw at 7:45 am to confirm this! Grateful for embryo adoption and our donors!

First Beta - 99

xo Jill

6 days past (FET#2)

Symptoms to report:

Midnight to AM - vivid dreams with bouts of insomnia. I dreamt that I was EA baby and that I was meeting my genetic father for the first time. This meeting happened on the dirt road that leads to my grandparents house. My genetic father was also one of our donor fathers. (Very weird.) He was a very nice guy. He asked me to go deep sea fishing.

AM on my morning walk I experienced one of the gagging sessions that I experienced in my first trimester with Logan. My mouth has been very full of spit. Severe bout of chills at work. I put on my winter jacket for several hours. (This happened with Logan.)

Afternoon - not a lot. Tired.

PM - hungry, super thirsty, tired. I have bit of a sore throat and thick mucus at the back of my throat. (I could be getting sick. Logan had a sinus infection last week.) Headache, again, may be my sinuses.

Sorry for the very detail-oriented post. (And then I felt this, and then I felt this.) It helps me to be able to look back and see what I was feeling on each day of my cycle. I like to read other people's posts and see what they were feeling on each day. It's never the same as me!

Crazy head games!!!

Praying for another miracle. 

xo Jill

4 and 5 days past 5 day transfer (FET#2)

I was just rereading our post procedure instructions and realized that we have to test on 11/23 - the day before Logan's birthday and Thanksgiving and I'm feeling a little dismayed. Nothing is going to make me not feel absolutely joyous and grateful on our son's birthday, but if we get back sad results it will be a lot of emotions to process over night.

I know we can do it.

A positive beta would just be so lucky for us. Luck-luck-lucky. 

4 days past 5 day transfer - tired, some pinches and pulls in my uterus. Chills. Very vivid dreams. Insomnia. Hungry in the middle of the night. Tire and get winded easily.

5 days past 5 day transfer - tired, less pinches and pulls in my uterus. Chills. Very vivid dreams. Insomnia. Tire and get winded easily. Hungry in the middle of the night - got up and ate left over pizza.

Beta is on Wednesday. Gah! Scared. Hopeful. Praying!

Not sure what to expect, some of these symptoms are similar to what I felt with Logan, but they are coming on way sooner than what I experienced with Logan.

It's going to be another long week and a stressful pre-dawn Wednesday morning at our house.

Please pray for us and for a positive beta on Wednesday.

xo Jill

3 days past 5 day transfer (FET#2)

We made it home to Minnesota safe! The roads were perfect both ways. We drove straight to my parent's house to pick up Logan. One thing they weren't telling us on the day of our transfer and the day after is that he had quite a cold with a fever. Tuesday and Wednesday he had a high fever and my mom had to give him a bath to get him cooled down, but he was on the mend and happy to see us when we got there on Thursday afternoon.

Lots of smiles and very green snot.

My mom is now sick, so I hope we can avoid catching what he has. He slept between us last night, so we might not be able to avoid it. My mom gave us half a chicken, so I already have chicken noodle soup stock simmering on the stove.

Logan has kept me pretty distracted, but I've still been keeping track of my symptoms.

Transfer day - no symptoms. Sleepy from the meds. I managed to stay on the bed for the full 20 minutes after the transfer, despite the fact that my bladder felt like it was going to explode. We went our for lunch, then back to the hotel for a nap for me. We took a light walk in the afternoon, to keep the blood flowing.

1 days past - first leg of trip home. I felt several twinges and pulls in my uterus. We stopped every two hours to walk around.

2 days past - second leg of trip home. More twinges and pulls, several little pricks. I fell asleep in the car, which is something I never do. We stopped at a beautiful rest stop in Illinois and took a walk around the lake beside it.

3 days past - Vivid dreams about a lady wearing colorful socks and an English mansion house (???) in the am, slept hard even though Logan was fretful and slept with us half the night. Hungry in the morning, despite a huge meal of spaghetti the night before. Both baby and I slept for another 3 hours after hubby went to work.

I've felt a few more twinges today, felt one just a now and felt one faint twinge in my chest. I had lots of those in the late days of my two week wait for Logan.

And another thing, I've been getting the chills. This happened this morning when Logan and I went back to bed. I got three or four cold flashes even though I was snuggled under the covers. This didn't happen until 7 or 8 days past with Logan.

So, I'm still only three days out. I want these days to go by fast and I also want them to stretch out forever, because it's so nice living in this hope.

It was so wonderful meeting our adopted embryos on Tuesday. I have been praying over the embryos from our first donor for over two years and it was so good to see them. They are fighters for sure. Carol, the embryologist, said they looked just average - that's why she thawed the other embryo from our second donors, but I just keep reminding myself that they are fighters to make the thaw and be alive. They are now where they are supposed to be.

(I looked back over my notes from Logan's transfer and he was one of two 3AB and 3AC embryos. The two from our first donors were 4AC and 4CC.)

I'm almost afraid to talk about our third embryo, because it looked perfect. I never thought I'd ever see a 5 AA embryo and that a doctor would be telling me they are transferring it into my uterus - but he/she is in there now! The picture of all our our babies is proudly hanging on the fridge.

God is doing his work in our life. I'm just praying his and my hopes line up.

I have to laugh at that because the plan he's had so far for our life is something I never could have imagined. A perfect plan.

Well, I hear my little guy waking up.

Thank you to our donors and prayers to all of you on this journey.

Please pray for our family!

xo Jill

transfer day :) :) :)

We made it to transfer day - it truly is a miracle.

Remember when I commented in my last post that there was a small amount of fluid in my uterus at my first ultrasound, well it was still there at my ultrasound last Thursday. That is not ideal and it looked like our cycle was in real risk of being cancelled if the fluid was not clear by our ultrasound on 11/14 (which was yesterday.)

To make a long story short we took the risk and drove out to Tennessee to have an ultrasound yesterday - which was clear - but if it had not been we would have had to return to Minnesota (1,000 miles) with an empty womb.

My doctor in Minnesota was pretty sure that the fluid would clear when we introduced progesterone into my protocol. So we came.

Both our cars also broke down last week - can you believe it? The starter went out on our newer car and my husband broke the emergency break on our back-up car (so the warning bell beeps the whole time we drive it.) Our repair man worked late Friday night to fix the starter on the car we wanted to drive to Tennessee, so we got here!

So many people have helped us get this far.

My parents are watching Logan and they've been sending us pictures and videos every day. We can't wait to get home to him.

FET #2 Transfer Details

Three embryos transferred at blast stage. Two from our first donors and one from our second. The two from our first donors were average quality - 4CC and 3AC. The one from our second donors was a beautiful 5AA blast.

There are no more blasts left from our first donor and 10 left from our second donor.

We are praying this is it. We know God has a plan for our family.

Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for a positive beta for us the day after Thanksgiving.

P.S. Our son's first birthday is Thanksgiving Day!

Prayers to all of you on this journey.

Jill

getting close

It's hard to believe we are only 10 days out from our transfer.

Trying for baby number two has been very different than trying for number one - obviously! I'm so busy with our little one and work and our life that I haven't had a lot of time to worry. My heart is also so full and content with our child that the gaping, bleeding hole that was there when we were going through treatment after treatment for our first child (30 months of trying) has healed. The scar is still there, though.  And I'm fearful of failure.

I'm afraid of how I will react if our transfer doesn't work the first time. Or the second time.

While these fears are floating there beneath the surface I've been prayerfully working to build up my faith and put my trust in God. I keep on telling myself: "He has a plan for our family. Before the world was even formed he had a plan for our family. It's all under control."

It's gonna suck if we undertake this struggle again and we don't get the results we hope for. The same cousins who were pregnant while we were struggling for our first are now pregnant with their second or even third baby.

And I'm going to have to see them over the holidays. I SO HOPE WE ARE PREGNANT!

I'm just going to take a deep breath and hang tight. I'm so grateful for the blessing of our son - he has completely transformed my life. I can't ever go back to those dark days when infertility was tearing me apart.

I've got to stay strong. And count my blessings. There are so so many.

Update on FET #2

• My first US and labs looked good. (Although there was some fluid in my uterus. This was probably because I was at the tail end of my period. Hope so. 
• I'm on 10 units of Lupron a day
• I'm on 1 injection of Lovenox a day
• prenatals, fish oil and vitamin D daily
• 2 estradial pills a day
•  

Soon we'll be adding in the progesterone intramuscular injections. I have another appointment for US and labs this coming Thursday. If we are cleared to proceed I'll start the progesterone and we will leave for our road trip to Tennessee on Sunday. Transfer is on November, 15.

I hope we can keep moving forward. I'm looking forward to our road trip. It's a nice buffer between the stress of work and our transfer. I have a few knitting projects and a baby quilt that needs to have the binding sew on set aside to work on during our drive. We also like to check out a few books on CD to listen to. It's a good time for my husband and I to catch up. We really enjoy hanging out with each other. We go out to eat, watch movies in the hotel.

Our son's first birthday is on Thanksgiving this year. I've started to collect the things I will need to bake his cake and celebrate.

Prayers to all of you on this journey. Please pray for us and our precious embryos.

Thank you,

Jill

FET #2 Update

I thought I'd better post a quick update.

We were matched with another wonderful donor family a few weeks ago. All of the paperwork has been signed and turned in so now we have officially adopted more embryos.

It's amazing how we have been matched with three wonderful families. I can't believe it. Every time its a miracle. I still find it hard to believe that there are families out there willing to let infertile couples adopt their remaining embryos so that they have a shot at growing their family.

I truly feel God's guiding hand in all aspects of this.

Our transfer is on November 15.

I started my lupron injections yesterday. I've been on lovenox since I started birth control over a month ago.

Milestone appointments: 

I have an ultrasound on 10/27 to make sure everything is quiet, then another on 11/10 to make sure my lining is building up for our little babies to snuggle in.

Feelings:

My heart and mind are feeling pretty quiet right now. I'm excited, but I'm also guarded. I feel so grateful that we get to try again. I'm praying that my body responds well to the protocol and we are cleared to proceed at each checkpoint.

It really is a small miracle to even make it to transfer day. 

I'm currently trying to go two to sessions of acupuncture a week. I've started to drink my raspberry leaf tea and I'm painfully weaning myself off of coffee. I'm down to one small half cup each morning.


I just need that hot zap of caffeine and sugar.

If you are an embryo donor, thank you!

xo Jill

matching process

We finally got to download the list of donor profiles on Friday. My husband is out of the country, so he spent the night pouring over them and I spent the morning. We finally shared our top choices with each other and 5 out of 10 of them were the same.

I just submitted our list of hopefuls to the NEDC. Now I guess they vet the choices and get back to us with further information.

I'm starting to get excited about our November transfer. I'm feeling like it's really going to happen. I started birth control last weekend and with it Lovenox injections to prevent blood clots. The birth control is high in estrogen and so are the estrogen supplements (obviously) that I will start to take in October as our transfer date starts to approach. Both are bad for women who have had blood clots.

My husband gets home on this Friday. He has been away for over three weeks and we are more than ready for him to be home. I can't believe we've been able to coordinate some of this with him being overseas. We've done webex meetings with our social worker.

I can't believe it's getting to the end of September. Time is moving too fast.

Logan will be 10 months old on Friday as well.

Praying for you all on this journey.

xo Jill

waiting and waiting

I'm reposting this image from Lauree's blog. It's very true for our situation right now. We're waiting to hear back on our review of our homestudy. I didn't realize that it would take so long or else I would have submitted it a few weeks before our appointment.

Infertility has really taught me patience. Well, maybe that's not true, but now when I feel myself starting to get impatient I remind myself to be patient and to wait for God's plan to unfold. There's a reason why the brakes are on now.

It may mean we will not be transferring in November. We may have to wait until January. If that's the case I just need to cool my jets and count my blessings. Every time I interact with my son I forget about this frustration and just dive in to his smiles and happy grunts.

Two years ago we were waiting for domestic infant adoption and I was so depressed because there seemed to be no end in sight to the waiting. I was desperate for a baby and I couldn't convince anyone to choose us to adopt their baby. It was heartbreaking. The fear and anxiety of  thinking "what if the birthmother doesn't like us..."

Now, I only have to wait for a few weeks to be given the opportunity to connect with families who want to donate their embryos. It's a huge blessing. I pray that we are blessed with another healthy baby.

It would be a miracle.

There are miracles waiting for us, but we have to wait.

Cooling my jets over here and immensely grateful for embryo donation and adoption (even if it takes a while.)

Prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

Appointment update

Our appointment went really great last week. Getting there was the hardest part. I'd forgotten how much I hate flying - and we had a layover on the way there and on the way back. But we made it :) :)

We got our rental car and then we drove from Atlanta to Knoxville, TN. It was nice to finally get in the car and relax. I pulled out my knitting as soon as we got out of Atlanta and we got to chat and relax for the entire drive - about three hours.

(I finished a sweater and a pair of socks last week, so I was very productive.)

I guess knitting's off topic.

I got medically cleared with a few minor caveats. There appeared to be a little bit of fluid in my uterus, which might signal there could be an infection. So I was given a prescription for some antibiotics and told to start that as soon as I get my next period. I also have to start my birth control at that time and then my lovonox.

So in a few weeks I'll be on:

• two types of antibiotics (for two weeks)
• birth control pills (just the active ones until I'm directed to stop)
• lovonox injections (I have to start that when I start the birth control pills)
• prenatal vitamins
• fish oil
• Vitamin D for 8 weeks (blood work done at the NEDC showed that my levels are low.)
• lots of kefir to counteract the antibiotics
• raspberry leaf tea

I can't remember if I'm supposed to be taking anything else?

The other thing that we're waiting on is for our homestudy to be reviewed so that we can start to be matched with another donor family. I'm getting anxious about that. My husband is going to be out of the country for three weeks starting Labor Day and even though we've set up our Skype accounts and that should work for our counseling/matching sessions I'm still hoping there aren't any hold ups that prevent us from making the November transfer group.

I just wish our social worker would get back to us so that I can start to emotionally process that it's going to happen in November, or that we're going to have to cool our jets until January - which would also be okay. I just want to know what to expect. I'll kinda be disappointed if we have to wait, just because I stopped breastfeeding to meet the November deadline, but that's the way it goes.

Feeling incredibly blessed though!!! We are so lucky to get medically cleared. We are so lucky that there are families out there who are willing to let us adopt their embryos.

I'm scared too. Scared to be sad, scared of the anxiety that these treatments bring.

But then there is my son. He's really crawling now and not just army crawling. He's started to say "dada." He gets super excited when he sees a bottle, a banana or a bowl of oatmeal cereal. He loves to eat and eat and eat. We have his 9 month appointment this Friday. He's such a ham! He smiles and engages everyone he sees. Yesterday at the grocery store he was totally "chatting up" the man in line behind us with his smiles and his eyes. He was trying to peek around me to smile at the man whenever I got in his way.

I'm also finished with breastfeeding him. He's 100% weaned, but we still have a supply of breast milk in the freezer. Right now he gets a combo of baby formula, breast milk and real food.

Well, that's all and that's a lot!

Prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

getting ready

August is here!

We've been busy chasing after our little one. He's been army crawling. He's been bear crawling. He's not doing the traditional crawl yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

As I write this he's about seven feet away from me on the floor crawling back and forth. He likes to turn, sit up wave his arms, laugh and then start off army crawling again.

Next week is our return trip to the NEDC. We're flying in, spending the night in a hotel and then visiting the clinic for our appointment and flying back the same day. We usually do a road trip, but our work schedules have us pretty booked this late summer.

My mom and dad are watching Logan for us.

I'm excited and a little scared. I hope things go the way I hope.

Sending prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

miracle wall

This photo is from our adoption agency - a wall of miracle adoptions and Logan is smack in the middle of it.

I can remember the first time that we visited this agency's office over two and a half years ago, I wondered it our family would be blessed enough to have a photo of our child on that wall and now we're on it.

It's a miracle!

In other news, Logan is almost crawling. Each day he gets closer and closer. Every afternoon I bring him home from daycare and sit him down on the floor to see how much his crawling skills have progressed. Now he spends a lot of time on all fours - rocking. He just has to figure out how to move forward and stay above the floor.

Our social worker is coming for a home tour next week, then we will have our completed homestudy in hand. That's a good feeling.

I'm trying to wean Logan from nursing, but it is so hard! I'm going to have to be more diligent. I've basically got about a month from today to complete the process - hopefully it isn't overly dramatic for either one of us. Right now he still really wants to nurse, especially when we get home from daycare and just before bed.

I'll just have to take this day by day and hopefully neither one of us is in too much pain. I have a good supply of frozen milk.

Sending prayers for all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

fingerprints

His tiny fingerprints are all over the house.

On the mirror in the hallway where we make goofy faces at the glass and say "Who is this? Who is this? Is that my little boy?"

On the glasses that he reaches for at the dinner table. (Last weekend he reached forward and grabbed a glass and tipped it over the both of us.)

On all of his toys.

Forever on my heart. His fingerprints.

We went to the city services building on Thursday night, down into the basement to their fingerprinting processing room to get our fingerprints done for what will be our third homestudy.

Two times before this we have completed all of the paperwork, filled out all of the forms. Jumped through hoop after hoop.

I did it this time with him in my arms.

A completely different experience.

He smiled at the police officer doing our prints. The cop said: "You have one happy baby."

And one happy and grateful mama.

Homestudy # 3 is almost complete.

Happy 4th of July weekend everyone!

xo Jill

letters from babyland

I typed in "Babyland" in my search browser and this is one of the images that came up. Too funny and kinda scary how consuming having a baby can be.

(I will never ever ever ever take it for granted. Not ever. If I didn't have a baby I wouldn't be able to reflect in this way. I wouldn't be able to relax and laugh a little about being a mom. But I can laugh, because God blessed us. 

I. Am. So. Lucky.

Logan is starting to sit up. He's babbling more and he's babbling louder. He's started this fake cry thing that he definitely picked up at daycare.

He is such a good mimic. Sometimes he sounds like a cross between a robot and a dolphin. A robotic dolphin.

I still get the chills when I look at Logan and I look at my husband and I realize we're a family. It's the sort of chills you feel when you stand at the edge of a cliff and then take a step back and realize you didn't fall.

Near misses with grief. It could have gone one way, but it went the other . . .

I'm so blessed to be in babyland.

We started the paperwork to renew our home study. They gave us a 20% reduction in fees because we're going embryo adoption and this is our third round with them. We were very grateful for that. We still have to answer a bunch of questions, get our physicals and have our doctors fill out the forms and then go to the sheriff's office to get our fingerprints done. Lots to do!

I talked to the NEDC today and they recommend that I stop breastfeeding 2 months before our transfer in November. That's the end of August - right around the time that we have our kick off appointment for trying for baby #2 with Dr. K. I should probably try to wean Logan at the beginning of August so my boobs don't feel like they're going to explode on our trip to Tennessee.

(It's great to have this problem. Being able to nurse was one of the things I mourned when it looked like I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant.)

August is coming fast!

Sending prayers to you all who are still on this journey and prayers to you all who are blessed to be in babyland.

xo Jill

six months

Already six months old! I can't believe it. Our little guys is sleeping 6-7 hours each night - in his crib! We're on a roll this week - he's slept in his crib four nights in a row. I hope we can keep it up. I have to admit on the nights that he sleeps in his bassinet next to our bed the main reason is I still love to have him him right next to me. I sleep easier, because I can wake up and hear his breathing.

My mother-in-law was the one who told me that I just have to trust in God that he's safe and sound in his crib at night (after my husband and I have each checked on him twice) and I'm getting better at trusting in that. He cries pretty loud when he's unhappy or wet, so there's no way we can't hear him.


The home study packet for our adoption and all of the paper work for our sibling adoption and transfer through the NEDC are waiting to be opened and started. I'm supposed to call the RN from the NEDC this month to talk about next steps and preparing for our check up appointment in August and our hopeful transfer in November.

I'm praying everything is okay with my uterus after my c-section and that I'm cleared to get pregnant again. I worry about these things. When the doctor walked in and told us that she was recommended at c-section when I was in labor with Logan (after 59 hours of labor) my only hesitation was because I knew it could effect future transfers (we had a monitor on Logan at the time and he was doing okay and did great the entire time I was in labor with him.)

I know I'll have to trust in God about my body being able to carry another baby again as well. It would be another huge, huge blessing. One I will not take for granted. So far my body seems to be recovering well from my c-section, but I haven't had a scan done on my uterus. I will have to wait until August to see what is in store for us and our family.

Sending prayers and hope to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

being his mom

There have been a lot of happy tears this weekend as I reflect on how my life has changed in the past year. I feel so blessed to be a mom to my son. I can't believe how joyful and complete my life has become since we found out we were pregnant, then he was born and now he's in our lives shaking things up and keeping us on our toes.

Every day he's growing more and more. Doing different things, making different sounds, moving, flipping, scooting, reaching.

Thank you God for my son.

Today I met my mom, sister and cousin for lunch and a little light shopping. We went to the fabric shop, yarn shop, book store and a coffee shop. Logan sat in his stroller and watched people. He's full of smiles. Pretty easy to take care of.

I got so lucky. We got so lucky.

Thank you God for our donor family. I hope they are having a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. We agreed to exchange information once a year. I wish I could send them a picture of Logan today, but know I need to honor our agreement.

Praying for you all on this journey. If you are feeling sad this Mother's Day because your prayers have not been answered yet, please keep your hope alive. I never thought this could happen to me, but it did.

I hope you bring home your baby soon.

xo Jill

5 months (almost)

This little jumping bean is almost 5 months old! I can't believe it! Where does the time go? I love this photo of him. He's been grabbing at me with his hands and his feet lately. It's so wonderful to have him reaching out for me.

Other milestones -

1. He's been rolling over. He gets stuck on his tummy at night and cries, we have to wake up and turn him over.
2. I think he's starting to notice our dog, Bree. 
3. Babbling more, blowing bubbles and cooing. 
4. Lots of drool. I think little teeth are coming!
5. He's really getting good at holding his head up while he's on his belly. 
6. He currently can scootch across the room on his back. He pushes himself with his legs.
7. He's started to squirm around while I change his diaper. This makes changing him tough. 
8. He grabs onto my arm and gnaws on it - more teething. 

I've been doing good with breastfeeding. Pumping is going okay at work. I think I've increased my milk production since being back at work. I get about 16 ounces during an 8 hour work day. The weekends are painful because he doesn't consume that much on a regular day. I'm starting to get quite a stockpile in the freezer, which is exactly what I want because I'm going to stop nursing him mid-July in preparation for our next transfer in November - God willing!

I've already got out homestudy packet, which we need to update and renew - pay another three grand. (Gah!) My husband asked me to add up our total projected expenses for our next round of treatments and it's almost ten grand for us to get the ball rolling. That includes homestudy in our state and then having our homestudy checked and being matched with more embryos. There are so many different fees it's hard to keep them all straight. 

We have a savings account that we keep just for our adoption/transfer attempts - we've built it up over the last four years. No vacations, no expensive dinners, just steady, down to earth living. It's the only way I can stay sane - knowing the money is ready and waiting for another attempt. We got The Total Money Makeover as a wedding present and we've followed those steps to stay financially grounded. It's been helpful to stay on top of our finances - since babies aren't "free" for us.

Praying for you all on this journey.

xo Jill

gotcha day!

This little drool monster was just a tiny embryo a year ago today. Just a tiny embryo waiting to be transferred into my uterus, waiting to grow into our beautiful little boy!

I can't believe how much my life has changed in a year. I have been privileged to experience pregnancy and motherhood. Privileged to wake in the middle of the night to his cries and hold him, privileged to nurse him.

Here's what our countertop top looks like every day when I get home from work. Bottles!

So far Logan is doing really good at daycare and I'm enjoying being back at work. I work at a really great place and I've been very touched by how many people have expressed that they are happy I'm back and that they missed me. Three years of infertility had me in such a funk, I'm lucky I was able to make a somewhat good impression on my coworkers.

Work keeps me busy all day and then 3:30 rolls around and it's time for me to pick up Logan! I've been experimenting with what is the best route from work to daycare to home. I think I picked a good one today - I shaved at least 20 minutes off of yesterday's commute.

Praying for you all on this journey.

Jill

appointment junkie

Things are going really well around here. Logan is turning four months old in little over a week and I'll be returning to work. (Next Tuesday to be exact.) The weather has warmed up and me and the baby and the dog have been getting out on nice long walks. I wear the baby in my "Moby" wrap, which I love. I love having the baby up close to me - and I bet I'm burning more calories and toning from carrying him around like that vs. pushing him in the stroller.

I think our dog is finally coming our of her version of "baby blues." We're out walking again and she's getting more attention as we get a better handle on our little guy. We have Logan's four month appointment next week. It will be fun to see how he's growing. He's still putting on weight like a champ. I hope daycare goes well when I go back to work.

We're already thinking about baby #2. We both turn 37 this year so there's no reason to lallygag. I've already started to book appointments and line up our "ducks" to adopt more embryos and to renew our home study. This might sound crazy - it's the middle of March, but our social worker suggested that we start our home study renewal in June and since we need to adopt more embryos that will take a few months to process. God willing our next FET will be in November 2016.

I've discovered I'm a bit of an appointment junkie. I've already booked my consult at the NEDC for August where I will get cleared to do another FET, and I'm starting to pencil in some of the initial appointments for bloodwork that both my husband and myself will need to get the ball rolling with the NEDC with our local fertility clinic.

There is something satisfying about seeing those appointments on the calendar.

That being said, absolutely nothing is getting in the way of me just enjoying our little miracle! When we actually start trying for # 2 he will be 1 year old. It's crazy that infertility causes a person to go through so much work just to get to the point to make an attempt to have a baby, but that's the way it is.

It makes me feel more a peace to know that things are in process for baby #2. Our siblings and friends are already on their baby #2 and baby #3s, so this is how I handle the situation. Prayer and my little calendar. 

Sending prayers for strength and miracles for all of us on this journey.

xo Jill

3 months

Baby boy had his baptism yesterday. It was a beautiful day surrounded by family and friends. I couldn't have dreamed this day would come even a year ago.

A year ago . . .

I was injecting myself with shots and combing over our travel plans to Tennessee. Now I've got a three month old squirming in his swing as I quickly try to write this entry.

We have been so blessed. Sometimes I take having a baby for granted, but other days I'm mentally on my knees praising God for what he has done for us. Our baby is just perfect. He's healthy and he's happy and he's in our life. I see my husband just blossoming under his smile and I'm so grateful.

Things are going good. I have a few more weeks left on my maternity leave, so I'm really loving up on Logan and enjoying our mid-morning story times and afternoon cuddles. I'm excited to get back to work and wear my big girl clothes. I know adjusting to being away from the baby will be hard, but I've got some inspiring working moms in my life so I know I can do it too. We lined up an in home day care to watch him during the day and as long as that goes well everything else will work itself out.

I just want to thank everyone for their kind comments and supportive words during my journey to motherhood. I have been inspired and uplifted by you all. Thank you!

Update on the blood clot - I'm still on blood thinners, but I have an appointment in the beginning of March to see about getting off of them. My blood clot will either be dissolved or stabilized so I won't need to be on medication any longer. It will feel good to be totally off meds.

Do any of you wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that you forgot to take some medication? I do. I call out for my husband sometimes and then (still sleeping of course) I drill him about what meds I'm on and what I forgot to take. He always tells me that I'm good and to go back to sleep. Now I'm waking up thinking the baby has missed his meds. Sheesh. Side effects of infertility.

Breastfeeding is going well. My right breast is much bigger than my left, and it's a better producer. Any of you ever dealt with that. I was excited for cleavage, but (wah-wah) it's lopsided. Ha ha pregnancy has made me very humble. My husband teases me a lot, but I'm just rolling with it and I'm happy I can provide food for the baby. He's weighing in at 14 pounds and he's getting little fat rolls on his thighs and arms.

He had a herniated belly button, but that is starting to receded as his abdominal muscles get stronger. He's fighting to sit up every time I lay him down in a reclining position - he does little crunches.

I suppose I should be doing some of those :) :)

Love to you all on this journey.

xo Jillian