six months

Already six months old! I can't believe it. Our little guys is sleeping 6-7 hours each night - in his crib! We're on a roll this week - he's slept in his crib four nights in a row. I hope we can keep it up. I have to admit on the nights that he sleeps in his bassinet next to our bed the main reason is I still love to have him him right next to me. I sleep easier, because I can wake up and hear his breathing.

My mother-in-law was the one who told me that I just have to trust in God that he's safe and sound in his crib at night (after my husband and I have each checked on him twice) and I'm getting better at trusting in that. He cries pretty loud when he's unhappy or wet, so there's no way we can't hear him.


The home study packet for our adoption and all of the paper work for our sibling adoption and transfer through the NEDC are waiting to be opened and started. I'm supposed to call the RN from the NEDC this month to talk about next steps and preparing for our check up appointment in August and our hopeful transfer in November.

I'm praying everything is okay with my uterus after my c-section and that I'm cleared to get pregnant again. I worry about these things. When the doctor walked in and told us that she was recommended at c-section when I was in labor with Logan (after 59 hours of labor) my only hesitation was because I knew it could effect future transfers (we had a monitor on Logan at the time and he was doing okay and did great the entire time I was in labor with him.)

I know I'll have to trust in God about my body being able to carry another baby again as well. It would be another huge, huge blessing. One I will not take for granted. So far my body seems to be recovering well from my c-section, but I haven't had a scan done on my uterus. I will have to wait until August to see what is in store for us and our family.

Sending prayers and hope to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

road trip!

We dropped the dog off at the sitter and we've started to pack up for our road trip to Tennessee and the National Embryo Donation Center. I'm just happy we made it through Thanksgiving and the months of September, October and November. Now we have to make it through December, Christmas and the months of January and February before we can start trying at making a family again.

It's kinda sad that I can run down this list on months and holidays and have this sort of attitude about time, but this is how I'm framing my thoughts right now.

We also found out a few weeks ago that my husband might be getting deployed in March 2015. He came home and said: "Honey, I have some hard news."

I said: "Great. Your sister's pregnant again."

He said: "Nope. I've been put on alert for a deployment."

We'll find out more on that at his upcoming drill in December. For now we're taking it day by day and month by month at a time. I'm just grateful to have him with me now. We're not planning on altering our adoption plans in any way. As far as we're concerned he'll have his mission in March and I'll have mine - our mission - really. But I'll be doing it all alone.

It's gonna be hard if I have to go through multiple transfers alone, but I will do it.

So . . . lots of thoughts are jumbled around in my head this Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Things seem to be going wrong, then a little right, then we get thrown for a loop again, then we get back on course, then the wind gets knocked out of us - but we are still staying strong together.

I'm very thankful for all of my blessings this Thanksgiving. Even struggles can be blessings.

Sending love and hope to you all.

Jillian

the weekend

I started my estrace last week. So far I feel fine. I may start feeling something when I up my dose to three pills a day - that starts on Monday.

I'm looking forward to the three-day work week next week. We'll leave for Tennessee the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Our appointment with Dr. K is on December 1. I can't believe almost three months have passed since our failed IVF. I hope the next three months pass just as fast.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'll let you know how our appointment goes with Dr. K. We will feel truly blessed to get the all clear to proceed with embryo adoption. I can't think of why he wouldn't say everything is okay for us to move forward, but at this point I don't take anything for granted.

Praying for all of you who had transfers this week. Can't wait to hear your pregnancy announcements.

Sending love:

Jill

holiday

I know Dr.'s need vacations too. Mine is taking his for two weeks in the middle of July - the hard thing about this is that this is the same time that my first IVF cycle is scheduled to start. Let me make this clear, the clinic hasn't scheduled me in yet, that's just when I wanted to get the ball rolling on this next phase of our baby-making journey. The past few months have been agonizing hell for me as I've been waiting for my body to "return to normal" after our 6th and final failed IUI cycle. My hormones seem to be settling down, if all goes well my period should arrive on Saturday or Sunday.

Ha ha ha. Yes I am laughing at myself, because I know how things that we expect to happen don't happen the way we want them to when we are traveling down the road of infertility. Usually my period is very regular, I hope it doesn't fail me in seven days.

I also have to jump through several other hoops before we can start this cycle. I have to have good day 3 labs and I have to have a clear sono. These seem like big things to me now. Last year my attitude would have been "I'm sure everything will be great on me." Now my attitude is "okay, what are we dealing with now, and how much further am I from a positive pregnancy test?"

The journey if infertility has turned me into a different person. 

My days feel so blah. Here it is already almost July. The 4th used to be a really fun holiday for me, but now I don't really care. All I care about is when my name gets slotted on my IVF clinic's calendar and when I can start taking the meds. I know one of the main things that women say when they look back on their struggle with infertility is that they wish they hadn't stress so much, that they had enjoyed the beautiful moments in front of them, but I just can't. I just can't.

I'm sorry that I can't.

This holiday means nothing to me if I can't celebrate it one day with a child. I feel like I'm being childish, that I should just get over it, but again I can't. I am going to have a good day on the 4th. My husband will be home, I'm sure we'll do something fun and distracting. But I'm focused on one thing here - for better or worse.

Hopefully for the better.