hormone flux + disappointment

Well, ladies my hormones are all messed up again. Remember this past summer? Me and clomid? Well, I should have guessed that my body would also react in a similar way to all of those IVF drugs. Because my period has not arrived - nor am I pregnant.

This could mess up my mock trial which is going to culminate on December 1, when my husband and I drive out to Tennessee to meet with Dr. K. and see how my body responds to the estrace. Blurg. I called NEDC this morning and spoke with the IVF nurse. She said that if my period doesn't show up by next Monday to give them a call. Apparently I have about a week's worth of wiggle room to still make this test run. We'll still head out to Tennessee to get the ball rolling, but I will have to do my mock trial here and have my results send to Dr. K. I just wish we could do it all there.

Now I'm praying for my period.

No comment.

Today was a rough day at work. I had recovered somewhat the night before, but sitting at work I realized that my sister-in-law is pregnant and I'm not. I just felt like shit. I know it's bad. I just read what I wrote . . . but I still felt like shit. It's just that it happened and it happened to someone else and I don't wanna celebrate with her.

I want to pout in the corner like a baby. I want to cry and throw a tantrum.

But I will do none of those things. Sigh. It's her turn now. It's sucks for us, but her pregnancy has redefined their entire life. Transformed. Now they have so many new hopes and assumptions about their future.

I emailed my brother to congratulate him. Just a short note. I tried to make it funny and heartfelt. I was disappointed when he emailed me back that he knew I would be happy for him. No comment about how we must be feeling about having a failed IVF the same month they got pregnant.

I was disappointed in him. If my husband were here he would ask "but where you surprised by his words?"

No. I wasn't.

I'm sad that he didn't acknowledge our struggle in contrast to his joy. The acknowledgment of that would have meant that we are "in relationship." That we as siblings have a symbiotic relationship. That our joys and sorrows are shared. (I believe they are.) But he doesn't see it. So often we isolate those who struggle. We cut off their pain from our joy. We don't talk about it.

If he just could have said: "Yah, we're so happy. We know how blessed we are. We struggled a bit, you know, but we got lucky. I know how much you have struggled. I know how hard last month was for you. This must be hard for you. Thank you for the congratulations. I hope you guys are pregnant soon too."

Instead he said: I knew you'd be happy for us. That's it.

I read back through my blogs and I am aware that I'm pretty hyper-critical about people's words. I'm usually labeling people as jerks. No one can seem to say anything right. I mean, I know I'm that way. I'm a critical person. That's not so good.

But come on - my brother and his wife got pregnant the month we had a failed IVF - I shared our grief with them in a very real email - and they can't even acknowledge our struggle.

I'll acknowledge your joy - you recognize our struggle. Just once.

another pregnancy announcement

 My brother's wife called and left a message on my phone yesterday.

Which was strange for her.

I didn't want to return the call, because I knew what was coming, but I forced myself to face the music.

They're pregnant.

I'm so happy for them. I guess the hard thing for me is that her pregnancy will follow the exact path of days that our pregnancy would have followed - if our IVF had been even remotely successful.

Just another kick in the pants that makes it hard for me to process mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Getting pregnant wasn't an easy journey for them. She required some medication and hormone treatment because she has PCOS . . . I think they've been trying to a little over a year. I'm happy that they're not in the same boat as we are, but now that my sister-in-law has gone over to the other side of hormonal mom-to-be land I'm still stuck here in crazy-infertile-couple land and it blows.

The holidays are coming up and it just blows that I'm going to have to listen to people asking her what her due date is. Early June 2015.

I cried all last night. Just cried because I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of feeling that something's missing from our life - because it is. We're working so hard to try to create a situation that could lead us to be a family. Domestic adoption, embryo adoption and prayer, prayer, prayer.

But God is not answering my prayers - at least not now.

Trying to stay strong and put on a happy face. I'm glad I have a few weeks to make it strong. My brother and sister-in-law will be visiting the first week of November.

Hanging by a thread.

Jillian

keeping it together

I made it through the family gathering. It was better (but also more terrible) than I thought it would be. On the surface everything went fine. There were two infants there - one a nephew and the other a cousin - both were born during the time that my husband and I have been trying. It was just bittersweet to look at them. 

If things would have worked out differently . . .

My sister-in-law was there (with the nephew). It was difficult to see her - though I tried not to show it. Two years ago we were gabbing all about how we wanted to start families and, well, hers started and ours didn't.

She never said one word to me about my infertility. She just ignored me.

I was (and still am) very hurt by her behavior. She did explain self-righteously after I asked that she felt it wasn't her place to comment on our infertility, that it should be personal and private. It was so hard last summer being a despairing wall-flower during her pregnancy. Always asking her how she was doing while she pointedly ignored our struggles.

I just don't think her behavior was right, but she feels justified and this entire situation with my husband's family has turned into a nightmare.

I guess I was raised to try to comfort and help people. If I knew someone was suffering I would try to help them. I feel bad about the times that I know I've said insensitive things to people in the past. I know I probably say a dozen insensitive things every day. But if I know someone is struggling I try to help them. And I don't like seeing other people slighting them.

Infertility is hard. I think most pregnant people would wish to see their infertile friends get pregnant, but you just can't order that sort of thing up.

There have been other women who have reached out to me and said kind things - just not my in-laws. Anyway, it's hard to go to family get-togethers and watch my sister-in-law bouncing her baby around. She has no idea how gutted she would feel that baby was just a hopeful dream that kept slipping out of her reach and someone else was smugly jiggling their baby in her face while giving her a pitying look.

I'm going to avoid family gatherings for a while. I went to this last one because I felt like I had something to prove, but when I came home there still was no baby and I don't think I proved anything to anyone.