6 days past (FET#2)

Symptoms to report:

Midnight to AM - vivid dreams with bouts of insomnia. I dreamt that I was EA baby and that I was meeting my genetic father for the first time. This meeting happened on the dirt road that leads to my grandparents house. My genetic father was also one of our donor fathers. (Very weird.) He was a very nice guy. He asked me to go deep sea fishing.

AM on my morning walk I experienced one of the gagging sessions that I experienced in my first trimester with Logan. My mouth has been very full of spit. Severe bout of chills at work. I put on my winter jacket for several hours. (This happened with Logan.)

Afternoon - not a lot. Tired.

PM - hungry, super thirsty, tired. I have bit of a sore throat and thick mucus at the back of my throat. (I could be getting sick. Logan had a sinus infection last week.) Headache, again, may be my sinuses.

Sorry for the very detail-oriented post. (And then I felt this, and then I felt this.) It helps me to be able to look back and see what I was feeling on each day of my cycle. I like to read other people's posts and see what they were feeling on each day. It's never the same as me!

Crazy head games!!!

Praying for another miracle. 

xo Jill

4 and 5 days past 5 day transfer (FET#2)

I was just rereading our post procedure instructions and realized that we have to test on 11/23 - the day before Logan's birthday and Thanksgiving and I'm feeling a little dismayed. Nothing is going to make me not feel absolutely joyous and grateful on our son's birthday, but if we get back sad results it will be a lot of emotions to process over night.

I know we can do it.

A positive beta would just be so lucky for us. Luck-luck-lucky. 

4 days past 5 day transfer - tired, some pinches and pulls in my uterus. Chills. Very vivid dreams. Insomnia. Hungry in the middle of the night. Tire and get winded easily.

5 days past 5 day transfer - tired, less pinches and pulls in my uterus. Chills. Very vivid dreams. Insomnia. Tire and get winded easily. Hungry in the middle of the night - got up and ate left over pizza.

Beta is on Wednesday. Gah! Scared. Hopeful. Praying!

Not sure what to expect, some of these symptoms are similar to what I felt with Logan, but they are coming on way sooner than what I experienced with Logan.

It's going to be another long week and a stressful pre-dawn Wednesday morning at our house.

Please pray for us and for a positive beta on Wednesday.

xo Jill

3 days past 5 day transfer (FET#2)

We made it home to Minnesota safe! The roads were perfect both ways. We drove straight to my parent's house to pick up Logan. One thing they weren't telling us on the day of our transfer and the day after is that he had quite a cold with a fever. Tuesday and Wednesday he had a high fever and my mom had to give him a bath to get him cooled down, but he was on the mend and happy to see us when we got there on Thursday afternoon.

Lots of smiles and very green snot.

My mom is now sick, so I hope we can avoid catching what he has. He slept between us last night, so we might not be able to avoid it. My mom gave us half a chicken, so I already have chicken noodle soup stock simmering on the stove.

Logan has kept me pretty distracted, but I've still been keeping track of my symptoms.

Transfer day - no symptoms. Sleepy from the meds. I managed to stay on the bed for the full 20 minutes after the transfer, despite the fact that my bladder felt like it was going to explode. We went our for lunch, then back to the hotel for a nap for me. We took a light walk in the afternoon, to keep the blood flowing.

1 days past - first leg of trip home. I felt several twinges and pulls in my uterus. We stopped every two hours to walk around.

2 days past - second leg of trip home. More twinges and pulls, several little pricks. I fell asleep in the car, which is something I never do. We stopped at a beautiful rest stop in Illinois and took a walk around the lake beside it.

3 days past - Vivid dreams about a lady wearing colorful socks and an English mansion house (???) in the am, slept hard even though Logan was fretful and slept with us half the night. Hungry in the morning, despite a huge meal of spaghetti the night before. Both baby and I slept for another 3 hours after hubby went to work.

I've felt a few more twinges today, felt one just a now and felt one faint twinge in my chest. I had lots of those in the late days of my two week wait for Logan.

And another thing, I've been getting the chills. This happened this morning when Logan and I went back to bed. I got three or four cold flashes even though I was snuggled under the covers. This didn't happen until 7 or 8 days past with Logan.

So, I'm still only three days out. I want these days to go by fast and I also want them to stretch out forever, because it's so nice living in this hope.

It was so wonderful meeting our adopted embryos on Tuesday. I have been praying over the embryos from our first donor for over two years and it was so good to see them. They are fighters for sure. Carol, the embryologist, said they looked just average - that's why she thawed the other embryo from our second donors, but I just keep reminding myself that they are fighters to make the thaw and be alive. They are now where they are supposed to be.

(I looked back over my notes from Logan's transfer and he was one of two 3AB and 3AC embryos. The two from our first donors were 4AC and 4CC.)

I'm almost afraid to talk about our third embryo, because it looked perfect. I never thought I'd ever see a 5 AA embryo and that a doctor would be telling me they are transferring it into my uterus - but he/she is in there now! The picture of all our our babies is proudly hanging on the fridge.

God is doing his work in our life. I'm just praying his and my hopes line up.

I have to laugh at that because the plan he's had so far for our life is something I never could have imagined. A perfect plan.

Well, I hear my little guy waking up.

Thank you to our donors and prayers to all of you on this journey.

Please pray for our family!

xo Jill

waiting and waiting

I'm reposting this image from Lauree's blog. It's very true for our situation right now. We're waiting to hear back on our review of our homestudy. I didn't realize that it would take so long or else I would have submitted it a few weeks before our appointment.

Infertility has really taught me patience. Well, maybe that's not true, but now when I feel myself starting to get impatient I remind myself to be patient and to wait for God's plan to unfold. There's a reason why the brakes are on now.

It may mean we will not be transferring in November. We may have to wait until January. If that's the case I just need to cool my jets and count my blessings. Every time I interact with my son I forget about this frustration and just dive in to his smiles and happy grunts.

Two years ago we were waiting for domestic infant adoption and I was so depressed because there seemed to be no end in sight to the waiting. I was desperate for a baby and I couldn't convince anyone to choose us to adopt their baby. It was heartbreaking. The fear and anxiety of  thinking "what if the birthmother doesn't like us..."

Now, I only have to wait for a few weeks to be given the opportunity to connect with families who want to donate their embryos. It's a huge blessing. I pray that we are blessed with another healthy baby.

It would be a miracle.

There are miracles waiting for us, but we have to wait.

Cooling my jets over here and immensely grateful for embryo donation and adoption (even if it takes a while.)

Prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

transfer day + 3 days past 5 day transfer

Our transfer day was on Monday and it went as good as I had hoped that it would. Out of the three five-day embryos that we adopted from our first family, two survived. They were looking good at 3AB and 3AC just before transfer, so I'm hoping that at this point they have expanded, hatched and snuggled right into my uterus.

This was my first transfer of any kind, we didn't get to transfer anything after our failed IVF attempt this past September, so I thought I knew what to expect (and for the most part I did) but I was not expecting that alcohol swab you know where at the beginning of the transfer procedure. Whoo-EEE!

That's all I have to say.

Our road trip was uneventful, which is exactly the way we like it. I got a lot of knitting in. I'm making a baby blanket and knitting another pair of socks for myself. I'm almost done with the blanket - this has been in the works since our honeymoon. And I finished one sock.

I'm definitely knitting to distract myself from the stress of waiting for our BFP.  The only symptoms that I've had so far is that I've been really, really tired. Last night I was in bed right after supper and I had some sensitivity in my uterus - a few pinches and prickly feelings. I woke up last night with sharp jabbing pricks in my breasts, can't say with that means. Hope all these things could mean that we are pregnant.

I'm still wearing my lucky socks! I'm taking today off work and I will go back for one day tomorrow, then rest up over the weekend. We are having a family birthday party for my husband on Saturday afternoon, that I have to make some things for. My husband has been really great about doing all of the heavy lifting.

I will keep you all posted. This is really hard being the one in the "hot seat" waiting for results. It's much easier to be an observer and pray and cheer. I knew it would be this way and I'm so grateful to be where I am now.

Praying so, so hard:

Jillian

embryo adoption update

We are getting close. I did my last lupron shot last night and I'm up to three estrace pills a day. This upcoming Wednesday I have a progress ultrasound and labs and if everything is looking good we're set to leave on Friday for a road trip to Knoxville, Tennessee.

I've spent the weekend cleaning and cooking and relaxing. I made chicken noodle soup using the bone broth recipe that I wrote about before. I went grocery shopping and got the ingredients to make nourishing meals to sustain us all week. I've started my list of things to pack for our road trip. We even sat down together and ordered some audio books from the library to listen to on the way there. We picked out several for our 20 hour plus trip - each way. 

Here are the socks I knit for our transfer day. I probably won't take them off my feet until we get our beta results - they will be able to run away themselves!

I feel so grateful for our donors and for our five precious embryos. I just feel good and hopeful. It is a miracle that we are here. No matter what happens, I'm going to remember that.

I'm scared. I want this so badly to work. I want to be one of those women that gets to show you a positive pee stick. I'm scared to go through with the waiting and the testing (possible disappointment/possible overwhelming joy) but that's the only way that we are going to have a family - so here I come.

Thank you everyone for all of your support. For all of your kind, kind words. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for all the ways you've lifted me up. Please pray for us in the coming days.

Sending love:

Jillian

baby steps

Ever since we were diagnosed with infertility our life has seemed to progress by inches. Other couples have seemed to fly by us hitting milestone after milestone. The biggest of these being parenthood.

It hasn't been easy. In so many ways it seems like we're still kids to our parents and siblings because we don't have children of our own. There's a certain mark of respect - it feels like to me - that parents get from other parents just because they are parents.

It feels like you're not fully a grown up until you have your own little person to boss around.

Our journey on the path to our family has been brutal. There have been days - no weeks - that I have been so down in the dumps that I would sit in the bathroom and cry at work and then pull myself together and then drag myself back to my desk. I have had to endure the pregnancies of sisters and sister-in-laws and smile and hope with them while my own hope was broken.

It's just been . . . hard. Brutal.

But I'm proud that my husband and I didn't give up. We fought, we cried, we prayed and we healed. Embryo adoption has given us a new hope. Step by step we have jumped through the hoops required by the agencies and doctors involved and we are finally so close to our March transfer that I can almost feel the burn of my first Lupron shot.

I can't wait to stick myself.

We are expecting to receive some embryo matches from donor families by the end of the week. I hope they get here so that we can review them over the weekend.

More baby steps.

I pray one day we get to stop inching forward and fly forward into the future with a baby in our arms. I just want to watch my baby take his or her first step one day.

That's my dream.

Sending Love:

Jillian

circle of friends

Today I went out with my girlfriends to lunch to celebrate the birthday of one of my closest friends. It was a bittersweet event because this friend - who I also work with - is going to be leaving her job shortly. My friend is really sweet, and, as a person who was adopted, has been very supportive of my husband and I as we walk this adoption path.

I'm really going to miss her.

Infertility has made me stop and consider all of my relationships. The relationships that I thought would be the most supportive have turned out to be the least supportive and miracle friends have come up out the shadows to carry me through some of the most difficult days of my life.

I am just so grateful. 

Last night I had an appointment with my counselor and for a moment at the end of my session we were talking about how infertility has changed my life. I told her that in many ways I'm grateful for the way that infertility has "woken me up" to real life. I've realized how important strong relationships are - and that they take work and nurturing. My marriage has become stronger and my relationship with my husband has greater depth. I'm trying very hard to learn not to take things so personally. Infertility has made me vulnerable in so many ways - I do wish that some of the women in my life who can't or won't recognize my struggle would reach out to me - but that hasn't happened. Now it's my choice to decide how to manage those relationships. It's all about boundaries, baby.

This struggle with some of my closest relationships makes me sad - and it makes the holidays hard - that's why I'm so grateful for friends that care for me. Being a good friend requires me to set down my burdens and gripes of the moment and support others in my circle with their stuff. Sometimes it's good to take a break from myself and wish others well. To sing happy birthday. To be a friend.

Infertility can make a person very self absorbed. It's exhausting.

My husband is always telling me to just relax now. We have a plan in place and the rest is up to God. I know that's true, I just worry. Today I stopped worrying so much and I had a little fun. In the years ahead I want to be a good mom and I want to be a good friend.

I pray I can be both.

Jill

(Image above: Heavy Words art print.)

the weekend

I started my estrace last week. So far I feel fine. I may start feeling something when I up my dose to three pills a day - that starts on Monday.

I'm looking forward to the three-day work week next week. We'll leave for Tennessee the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Our appointment with Dr. K is on December 1. I can't believe almost three months have passed since our failed IVF. I hope the next three months pass just as fast.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'll let you know how our appointment goes with Dr. K. We will feel truly blessed to get the all clear to proceed with embryo adoption. I can't think of why he wouldn't say everything is okay for us to move forward, but at this point I don't take anything for granted.

Praying for all of you who had transfers this week. Can't wait to hear your pregnancy announcements.

Sending love:

Jill

hormone flux + disappointment

Well, ladies my hormones are all messed up again. Remember this past summer? Me and clomid? Well, I should have guessed that my body would also react in a similar way to all of those IVF drugs. Because my period has not arrived - nor am I pregnant.

This could mess up my mock trial which is going to culminate on December 1, when my husband and I drive out to Tennessee to meet with Dr. K. and see how my body responds to the estrace. Blurg. I called NEDC this morning and spoke with the IVF nurse. She said that if my period doesn't show up by next Monday to give them a call. Apparently I have about a week's worth of wiggle room to still make this test run. We'll still head out to Tennessee to get the ball rolling, but I will have to do my mock trial here and have my results send to Dr. K. I just wish we could do it all there.

Now I'm praying for my period.

No comment.

Today was a rough day at work. I had recovered somewhat the night before, but sitting at work I realized that my sister-in-law is pregnant and I'm not. I just felt like shit. I know it's bad. I just read what I wrote . . . but I still felt like shit. It's just that it happened and it happened to someone else and I don't wanna celebrate with her.

I want to pout in the corner like a baby. I want to cry and throw a tantrum.

But I will do none of those things. Sigh. It's her turn now. It's sucks for us, but her pregnancy has redefined their entire life. Transformed. Now they have so many new hopes and assumptions about their future.

I emailed my brother to congratulate him. Just a short note. I tried to make it funny and heartfelt. I was disappointed when he emailed me back that he knew I would be happy for him. No comment about how we must be feeling about having a failed IVF the same month they got pregnant.

I was disappointed in him. If my husband were here he would ask "but where you surprised by his words?"

No. I wasn't.

I'm sad that he didn't acknowledge our struggle in contrast to his joy. The acknowledgment of that would have meant that we are "in relationship." That we as siblings have a symbiotic relationship. That our joys and sorrows are shared. (I believe they are.) But he doesn't see it. So often we isolate those who struggle. We cut off their pain from our joy. We don't talk about it.

If he just could have said: "Yah, we're so happy. We know how blessed we are. We struggled a bit, you know, but we got lucky. I know how much you have struggled. I know how hard last month was for you. This must be hard for you. Thank you for the congratulations. I hope you guys are pregnant soon too."

Instead he said: I knew you'd be happy for us. That's it.

I read back through my blogs and I am aware that I'm pretty hyper-critical about people's words. I'm usually labeling people as jerks. No one can seem to say anything right. I mean, I know I'm that way. I'm a critical person. That's not so good.

But come on - my brother and his wife got pregnant the month we had a failed IVF - I shared our grief with them in a very real email - and they can't even acknowledge our struggle.

I'll acknowledge your joy - you recognize our struggle. Just once.

another pregnancy announcement

 My brother's wife called and left a message on my phone yesterday.

Which was strange for her.

I didn't want to return the call, because I knew what was coming, but I forced myself to face the music.

They're pregnant.

I'm so happy for them. I guess the hard thing for me is that her pregnancy will follow the exact path of days that our pregnancy would have followed - if our IVF had been even remotely successful.

Just another kick in the pants that makes it hard for me to process mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Getting pregnant wasn't an easy journey for them. She required some medication and hormone treatment because she has PCOS . . . I think they've been trying to a little over a year. I'm happy that they're not in the same boat as we are, but now that my sister-in-law has gone over to the other side of hormonal mom-to-be land I'm still stuck here in crazy-infertile-couple land and it blows.

The holidays are coming up and it just blows that I'm going to have to listen to people asking her what her due date is. Early June 2015.

I cried all last night. Just cried because I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of feeling that something's missing from our life - because it is. We're working so hard to try to create a situation that could lead us to be a family. Domestic adoption, embryo adoption and prayer, prayer, prayer.

But God is not answering my prayers - at least not now.

Trying to stay strong and put on a happy face. I'm glad I have a few weeks to make it strong. My brother and sister-in-law will be visiting the first week of November.

Hanging by a thread.

Jillian

more hoops (mock cycle)

If everything shakes down that way it has been shaking down for the past twenty-eight consecutive months, I will be getting my period this Thursday and then I will be starting birth control pills in preparation for our mock cycle at the end of November with Dr. K at the National Embryo Donation Center in Tennessee.

I'm excited. I mean, taking a pill each night before bed with psychologically help my brain and heart understand that we are moving on. We're doing something. Trying something new. This will work. I'm excited to start the adoption process and see what God has in store for us. I wish we could start matching with donor families before Christmas, but that's not how it's going to work out.

We will know soon enough.

I'm anxious, like I am before every new fertility endeavor that we embark on. How will my body respond? I have no idea. How will the Estrace effect my mood and emotions? I guess I'll just have to find out.

If any of you who have been to the NEDC clinic out in Tennessee have any suggestions on places to stay while we're there, it would be very much appreciated! I see that a list of suggestions was provided in our info packet, but I'm curious what you all think.

Thanks!

Jillian

piles of paperwork

I'm happy that it's the weekend again. As I write this I have some fresh pumpkin baking in the oven for the spiced pumpkin cake that I plan to make later today. Garrett is working, so I have the house to myself. I've done some cleaning, and I also took the cat to the vet.

We're renewing our home study so I have piles of paper work stacked on my desk.

We got our appointment at the National Embryo Donation Center - December 1, 2014! We will be taking a Thanksgiving road trip from Minnesota to Tennessee. That's about a 15 hour drive each way, but driving is still much, much cheaper than flying at that time of year.

We have to wait until January 7, 2015 - because that's our 3 year anniversary - to start making matches with donors. That's an extra month wait . . . God is good. I feel like all of the cogs on this invisible machine that is going to help us start our family are finally starting to line up and creak into motion.

We've been watching the videos provided by The National Fertility Support Center to help us understand the various aspects of embryo adoption. I'm hoping that nothing prevents us from having an open adoption with our child, because that really seems like the best way to go. It will be hard and scary, but it's the best thing for the child.

I'm already day dreaming about our family.

 . . . just a little bit . . .

Then I stop and say a prayer for patience and hope that this will work and get back to focusing on the day to day aspects of my life. Like I said, I took the cat to the vet today. It looks like she has some cavities. (I know!) (Cavities?) So I'll have to take care of that. Then there's this project that needs to go out at work. Then there's knitting and book club and the approaching holidays.

Before I know it January 7, 2015 will be here.

I am counting down the days . . . but I'm also trying to enjoy them.

To all of you celebrating pregnancy, I send you warm hopes. To all of you struggling with sorrow and loss, you are in my prayers. To all of you fighting to keep your babies safe and strong, I ask God to watch over you. To all of you waiting for joy, I am waiting with you. 

XOXO

Jillian

sad, again

I spoke too soon . . .

After my last post I felt up to organizing my office. I ended up sitting on the floor and going through a box of cards and letters that range over the past ten years of my life.

I saw birth announcements.

Birthday cards.

Anniversary cards.

I re-read some of the cards. The past two years my husband and I have been telling each other. "I'm so sorry that this was such a hard year, honey. Next year will be better. I am so happy to have you in my life."

And then I realized we're due for another round of these Christmas cards showing growing families. We're due for another round of birthdays and holidays and NOTHING HAS CHANGED for us since last year.

I'm just going to be another year older.

Now, I'm sad again. We've been going through this for two hard years.

I'm hopeful . . . but I can't "make-up" holiday cards that feature our child. I can't "make-up" an anniversary card to my husband that says "all our dreams came true this year, honey. You're a wonderful mom."

Instead I realize we're due for another round of fingerprints and questions because our home study is up for renewal.

All of this evidence of the struggle of infertility is sometimes too much to take. Now I have to make something of the rest of my day. I can walk the dog and prepare the soup that I planned to make for dinner. Then there's that glass of wine I was looking forward to earlier in the day. Somehow I've got to get through this.

Monday looms . . . deep breath. . .

back to work & an IVF refund (sorta)

 
I've been back to work this week. It keeps my mind off things, so that's good. I'm so happy for all of those girls that I was pacing my IVF with - it looks like you are all pregnant.

More joy in the world. You deserve it.

I'm waiting for the paper work from the National Embryo Donation Center so that we can get the ball rolling with our embryo adoption. It helps that we have a current home study. It also helps that I'm current on some of the tests that the clinic requires.

If my cards land just the right way, I could be doing my first FET in January 2015. If the timing is off and we have problems with appointment schedules and approvals that date could push back to March 2015.

More waiting. waiting. waiting.

But I have hope.

Our clinic is giving us a 25% discount for our failed IVF . . . we're getting this because of the fact that I insisted on talking to the doctor on day that I had that first bad ultrasound. The day it looked like I had only five follicles. I asked if she thought we would even get one mature egg. I'm glad I asked and voiced my concern. My husband and I will apply the refund (around $2,880.00) to our upcoming treatments.

During this hard time I've discovered a source of inner strength and hope that I didn't know that I had in me. I believe even more firmly that I will be a mom some day soon. There's a quote that goes something like: "When hope becomes too hard, it has to turn to faith." So I have faith.

Our rescue dog (Bree) has been a huge blessing during this time of sadness in our life.  She is one furry, soft, wriggling mass of pure love and adoration. She loves us!

Thinking about you all.

Jillian

Lupron - day 5

Today I came home from work and ate the tops off all of the leftover cupcakes that I made last weekend. That was the only part that was still moist - and the cream cheese frosting is always my favorite part.

Thinking back now, I guess I was rewarding myself for five days of morning shots, but in the grand scheme of IVF shots Lupron isn't that big of a deal . . . needle-wise or pain-wise. I take my last birth control pill on Saturday. (I've claimed to be taking my last birth control pill several times over the last month - but this really is my last pill for this cycle.)

My first ultrasound and labs are this upcoming Wednesday and then if all is well we'll start stims a week from tomorrow. Things are going to start to move here. I've just been praying, constantly praying. We're about halfway through this protocol and I just keep telling myself "In three weeks we will be pregnant."

I feel a surge of positive emotion when I say that. I actually feel lighter, like I could float away.

I've been trying to push myself to think positively and visualize our baby. I hope this works and know that it can't possibly hurt. I've pulled out my meditation mat and I will be meditating each night before bed.

I just need to calm my mind and visualize my body as a safe place for a baby to grow and develop for nine months. Whatever comes will come, but hopefully the meditation and the positive thoughts will help us to contain either our joy or our sorrow at the end of this stage in our journey.

My husband is away at some training for the national guard, so I have the weekend to myself. I got a stack of books from the library and I intend to spend the weekend relaxing and being creative. 

Sending you all love and hope.

Jillian

self-reliance

"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.

Accept the place that divine providence has found for you, 

the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

I didn't sleep last night.

When I got home from work there was an envelope with the birth announcement of my cousin's first baby. I never should have opened it, but I did. I sent my cousin a sweater for her little girl, so she wrote thanking me for it, then she wrote a little about our adoption. She said that she was praying for us and that she was sorry our facilitator's website had slowed down over the summer. 

I don't know if you'll buy this, but I didn't trust her words. I don't think she's been praying for us. This is the same cousin who knew she was pregnant last Thanksgiving and Christmas, but didn't say anything because my husband and I were attending the same events that she and her husband were attending. I actually sat next to her and described our hopes for adoption at one point . . . I wonder if she was uncomfortable? 

I grew up with this girl. We used to ask each other when we were going to start families - I know a VERY stupid question . . . but it hurt when I found out fourth hand after the new year that she was pregnant and had been pregnant all that time. 

But . . . before you click away from this post because you are so sick of me whining and complaining - I'm going to stop doing that right now. Like I said at the offset, last night I didn't sleep. I laid awake, at first thinking about my cousin's cheap words - she was right to say something along with the announcement of her baby, so I can't fault her for that. I just realized that I've been expecting these women to give me something - I don't know support . . . understanding . . . but they can't. 

It's impossible. So I should just stop resenting them. 

They are caught up in the flow of this life, just like I am - I'm just navigating rapids at this point. I laid there and I thought of all my hurts and all of my anger and all of my fears - all of it. It was overwhelming. I thought about what I know about God and what He might be working with my life right now. I'm not sorry for this struggle - though I do want it to be over - because I have learned so much about myself. So much about all of the assumptions I had before this misadventure started. Life isn't easy and my life is easier than most. My husband and I are so lucky that we can even consider something like IVF.

The truth is, all of those women - my MIL, SILs, cousins and friends don't really owe me anything. I have been so disappointed in their silence. I was a fat little tick that had feed off the blood of a lucky life and positive social group for so long that I just didn't know what to do when everyone got uncomfortable and scared and walked away. I think I really assumed my life would keep being easy and that I would always get what I wanted. 

I never EVER dreamed I would struggle with infertility - but it's here. 

I need to cultivate self-reliance. I'm struggling with the fact that I still feel that some of my struggles should be acknowledged by the people who play important roles in my life, but I will probably never be satisfied with their words. 

At about 4 am, my husband rolled over and hugged me, because he could tell that I was laying there awake. We talked until 5:30 am about what I was feeling. I just spilled my guts and cried a little. We were trying to find a way to describe to each other about how we were feeling and my husband said:

"Think what it would be like if one of our friends got his leg blown off in a tragic accident. You would say: "I'm so sorry about your leg." 

And I said that I would try to really think about what it would be like to lose a leg, really try to walk in that person's shoes.

But then my husband said: "Yah, but you would never, ever really know what it's like for that person. Never."

I agreed.

"You might say some stupid things to that person, but with good intentions." He said.

Well maybe . . . probably . . . 

So I have to live with people's good intentions and their poor intentions and their bad intentions. I need to rely on myself more - and God. I'm always looking for an escape. Anger is a good one. When I'm angry and self-righteous at someone else I feel more in control. Let me tell you how so and so is just such a terrible person - they are even more terrible then me, an infertile woman. 

Hah. The logic doesn't hold. 

So, no more trying to escape. I've just got to live this. No one is really going to understand, except someone who had been through it. I need to stop being so needy. God will provide - or He won't, but I will have to get through it, because there are no other options. 

God, if you're not going to answer my specific prayers, surprise me with something wonderful that is more than I could ever imagine. You do those things all the time, right?

I hope I can sleep better tonight. 

All of these words look so good on the page . . . but they aren't very much help in the middle of the night when the house is so silent (no baby crying in her crib) that your can hear your heart breaking. 

IVF # 1 - waiting and hoping

Waiting has been my theme these past few months as we gear up for our first IVF cycle. We signed our contract this past Wednesday, reviewed our protocol, and our clinic called in our prescriptions. Our clinic runs its IVF cycle two weeks out of each month. Guess when August's protocol starts? You probably guessed it - the last two weeks of the month.

So we're waiting AGAIN to get our protocol started. Ug.

I'm glad I have these two weeks though, because I found out that our clinic called our meds into a pharmacy in Arizona. (We live in Minnesota.) Not sure what's going on there, but I have to wait to sort things out until Monday. Maybe they found me some better prices down in Arizona. I'm trying to be positive here because I'm not too impressed with how my clinic has handled this part of the process. I'm not someone who needs her hand held, but I am someone who would like to know all the facts, doses, fees, etc.

The IVF coordinator said that she would email me on Thursday a list of instructions and that list has not arrived. I would just like some follow through. Don't say you're going to send something and not send it.

Luckily I am very impressed and confident with the lab people and my doctor at our clinic - those are the real miracle workers. I guess I can handle a few email and prescription glitches. We are not down to the wire yet.

I was talking to my sister on the phone last night and I told her how much this first IVF cycle would be costing us - we're guessing around 11 to 12 thousand dollars and she said:

"It's that much for one? I thought is was that much for three?" Then she said: "So you could spend 36 thousand dollars trying to have a baby?"

I wanted to scream "duh! Duh! Duh!" But I just stayed calm and confirmed her estimate. When I got off the phone with her I was kinda depressed. Even the closest people to us have no comprehension about the emotional and financial costs of these treatments.

And is may not even work . . .

Believe me, I haven't been all doom and gloom this week. I've been pretty positive. I've even been dreaming that we are pregnant. I had two dreams this week that I was pregnant. In one of the dreams I was pregnant with twins. In the other I was holding our baby. I think this is good news. I think my subconscious is finally starting to believe that we will be parents.

Every day I just say to myself: "IVF works." Because it does. And whenever I say that I feel a surge of positive energy course through my system.

I had my annual exam this week and my doctor was also very positive about IVF. She said: "You're going to get pregnant." Two years ago I would have been nodding my head and smug, at that moment I was quietly subdued and hopeful.

I won't count my chicks until they've hatched, but I will hope and pray with all my heart for them.

Sending love:

Jillian

counting down the days

This is what July has been for me - Xs on a calendar.

I know it's sad, but the best part of every day for me has been the moment each evening when I take my birth control pill and X another day off. We're getting closer and closer to the 30th which is when we sign our consent forms and begin our protocol.

There have been other things going on. Some deadlines at work, a trip up to the farm for a family gathering and bonfire. I've been keeping my weekly acupuncture appointment and I even read a book this weekend: The Fault In Our Stars.  Which I found to be just depressing, but I couldn't stop reading it because I had to see what happened to the characters. I won't be seeing the movie. Wrapping up The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaimin - as well. I even sewed some buttons on a baby sweater for one of the women in my book club.

So I've been doing more than marking off days . . . but right now my life feels pretty hollow.

Trying to fill that large gap with hope.

Talk to you soon!

Jill