trigger day

After my ultrasound and blood work yesterday, my doctor told me to give myself my trigger shot last night. One of my follicles was pushing over 20 mm, so we don't want to lose that one.

Retrieval is tomorrow morning at 8 AM. I'm scared and excited. Scared that I'm excited. I hope we get something that we can work with. I hope I can feel some hope and excitement tomorrow when we hear back from the lab about how many of our eggs were fertilized.

I don't know what to expect. This journey has already been full of so many ups and downs. I know that hardest part of the IVF journey is still to come - THE TWO WEEK WAIT.

We still have some major hurdles to get over before we can go there.

I realized as I was driving home from work that this will be our seventh treatment cycle. We have had 4 failed all natural IUI cycles and 2 medicated IUI cycles with donor sperm - also failed. This one is number seven. 

Lucky number seven?

I hope so.

Jillian

grow follicles! grow!

So, this morning's appointment was much, much better. The other follicles are catching up! The nurse who was doing my ultrasound said that they would definitely want to try to capture every singe follicle that they can, so that means we are going to have to manage my stims very wisely these next few days.

I didn't write down my stats, but I do have one follicle at 18 mm today with the smallest of the 10 coming in at 9 mm. The median range seemed to be 13-10 mm. I have heard that things develop quickly toward the end of the stimulation phase so I'm just praying and letting God have the wheel on this.

I'm going to let the numbers surprise me. One of these eggs will help form our child.

I'm taking it easy today. Preparing some food that will get us through next week. It sounds like we will be triggering on Monday or Tuesday with the retrieval 36 hours after that and the transfer 3 days after that - depending on how the embryologist feels about everything.

Thank you God for the improvement and THANK YOU ALL for your kinds words of encouragement and support. I can't tell you how grateful I am. Truly grateful. I would be going crazy with anxiety without all of your support.

Sending love:

Jillian

stim blues

Well, I had a very disappointing day today. My body is not responding very well to the stimulation medication that they have me on.

Out of the 10 follicles that I have developing 5 are solid 11 - 13 mm range but the other five are lagging behind at the 6 - 8 mm range. I was hoping for a better showing.

The nurse was so fast about doing the ultrasound, I was trying to count the follicles, that my ultrasound session seemed very short and abrupt today. She told me to get dressed and then came back in to talk about the results and then I started crying.

She asked if I wanted to talk to a doctor and I said yes. At that point I was thinking we should just turn this cycle into an IUI because of my poor response. Then the doctor came in and said that while my response was a little below average, she wouldn't consider canceling this cycle. The other five could still catch up - some of them.

My estrodiol level is at 784.

So now I'm on 275 IU dose of Follistim for tonight only and they they have doubled my Meopur dose in the mornings. It was at 75 IU, but now it's up to 150 IU. Will this help? Will this hurt? I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. I made it through work today and then came home and bawled on my husband's shoulder.

I just want this awful time in our life to be over and in my mind in order for that to happen we need more eggs. Then a baby.

Please help me out here, ladies. Any kind words of encouragement, tales of success and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

I'm making a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup - it's the only thing I can think to do.

Sending love and hope:

Jillian

baby board

Hoping for the best. Praying for God's blessing. Trying to find peace in this journey.

I made this collage last weekend from a bunch of old magazines. I love to make collages. For this one I focused on all of my baby-making hopes for the immediate future and the years ahead. This bulletin board is on the wall beside the table where I've set up my med injection kit. I take my shots in the morning and at night and then imagine myself into the place where all of these images live.

Stim shots are going good. But I'm a bit worried that they didn't give me enough Follistim. Right now I'm on 200 IU dose and I only have 1300 IUs left in the fridge. I will have to ask at my next appointment - which is Labor Day.

Hope everyone has a good holiday.

stims start friday

 
I had my baseline ultrasound and labs today. The nurse didn't call my back to change our plan of action so my next step is to start stim medication on Friday. We have a family event that night so I plan on sticking my follistim pen into my purse and injecting myself in the bathroom. I hope this works out. It will be my first time giving myself that particular shot, but I've been through training for it twice and watched like a hundred videos online.

The nurse did say she say a tiny cyst on my right ovary, but not to worry about it. I guess my doctor wasn't worried about it because no one called. I'm feeling pretty low key right now. Part of my brain is thinking "you should be freaking out, there's so much stuff you have to keep track of!" But I don't think I should freak out about this any more than necessary.

I'll save my freak out for some good news at the end of this journey.

So, that's all I have to up date. I have to go in again on Monday, which is Labor Day. It's actually the only day out of this entire weekend that my husband and I are not doing something. The appointment is in the morning, so I intend to come home and just relax after that. It's kinda nice this appointment landed on that day. One less day that I have to go into work late.

(image from sunflowersandsearchinghearts.tumblr.com)

first shot down + my husband

Well, we did our first Lupron shot this morning. It was anticlimactic. I'd looked at the bottle and held the syringe so many times over the past week and a half that it was a relief to flip off the little plastic top and jab myself in the belly.

I'm feeling good.

My husband and I have been having a good run of a few weeks where we've been really supportive and affectionate to one another. Boy, infertility can really pull a number on a marriage. I think that before we were struck with infertility my husband and I probably annoyed a few people with our happily married life. We met when we were thirty, got married at thirty-two and just flew into trying to start a family and planning our life together. We were so focused and on the same page.

Then all the pages seemed to disappear from our book because of infertility . . . no they got torn out by a tornado and I've been chasing them down ever since.

Our love for each other carried us through - that and God's grace. We could have just walked away a year ago when we knew things were going to get hard, but we didn't. We had to learn how to comfort one another and how to communicate. We had to grow up. It's been tough, I'm not going to lie, but I know my husband loves me and I know he wants a family more than anything. His support on the sperm donor showed me that. He treated me like a queen during those procedures and the two week wait. He wants us to be a family.

I don't think most guys would do that for their wives - people who know what we're doing have out and out said that they wouldn't do that. (But they are men who already have children.)

So anyhow . . . I've wanted to post a blog about this for a while - how hard infertility is on a marriage. I don't think I really knew my husband until we found ourselves at the bottom of this pit and he held me when I cried and he managed to make me laugh and I managed to make him laugh.

I'm really lucky.

pins + needles

The countdown is on for Monday to get here so that I can start my Lupron injections and take the next step on this IVF journey. I've been "X"ing off the days on the calendar to get to this point and now that only the weekend stands between me and the sharp end of a needle I'm very happy. (Only an infertile woman would say that.)

So, I'm ready for the next step, but I'm feeling pretty cautious and keeping my hopes in check.

I was reading through my blog roll after work and I saw Sara's sad news and I felt the wind go out of me. I wish we didn't have to go through this and I wish that once we finally saw those two perfect lines that we didn't have to experience that sadness of losing that hope. I am so sorry.

My husband and I will be sticking pretty close to each other and home this weekend. I'm going to be working on a little quilt. (Notice how I just call it a little quilt - I used to call these things baby quilts, but now I keep things in check.) We got a gate to keep our dog out the basement and we call it a "puppy gate" - even though everyone else would call it a "baby gate."

I hope you all have a good weekend. I can't thank you enough for the support you have given me, it means so much. I'm praying for everyone who's struggling with infertility - that we get an answer to our prayers and support through hard times.

XOXO

Jillian

IVF # 1 - waiting and hoping

Waiting has been my theme these past few months as we gear up for our first IVF cycle. We signed our contract this past Wednesday, reviewed our protocol, and our clinic called in our prescriptions. Our clinic runs its IVF cycle two weeks out of each month. Guess when August's protocol starts? You probably guessed it - the last two weeks of the month.

So we're waiting AGAIN to get our protocol started. Ug.

I'm glad I have these two weeks though, because I found out that our clinic called our meds into a pharmacy in Arizona. (We live in Minnesota.) Not sure what's going on there, but I have to wait to sort things out until Monday. Maybe they found me some better prices down in Arizona. I'm trying to be positive here because I'm not too impressed with how my clinic has handled this part of the process. I'm not someone who needs her hand held, but I am someone who would like to know all the facts, doses, fees, etc.

The IVF coordinator said that she would email me on Thursday a list of instructions and that list has not arrived. I would just like some follow through. Don't say you're going to send something and not send it.

Luckily I am very impressed and confident with the lab people and my doctor at our clinic - those are the real miracle workers. I guess I can handle a few email and prescription glitches. We are not down to the wire yet.

I was talking to my sister on the phone last night and I told her how much this first IVF cycle would be costing us - we're guessing around 11 to 12 thousand dollars and she said:

"It's that much for one? I thought is was that much for three?" Then she said: "So you could spend 36 thousand dollars trying to have a baby?"

I wanted to scream "duh! Duh! Duh!" But I just stayed calm and confirmed her estimate. When I got off the phone with her I was kinda depressed. Even the closest people to us have no comprehension about the emotional and financial costs of these treatments.

And is may not even work . . .

Believe me, I haven't been all doom and gloom this week. I've been pretty positive. I've even been dreaming that we are pregnant. I had two dreams this week that I was pregnant. In one of the dreams I was pregnant with twins. In the other I was holding our baby. I think this is good news. I think my subconscious is finally starting to believe that we will be parents.

Every day I just say to myself: "IVF works." Because it does. And whenever I say that I feel a surge of positive energy course through my system.

I had my annual exam this week and my doctor was also very positive about IVF. She said: "You're going to get pregnant." Two years ago I would have been nodding my head and smug, at that moment I was quietly subdued and hopeful.

I won't count my chicks until they've hatched, but I will hope and pray with all my heart for them.

Sending love:

Jillian

fertility salsa

I've been doing everything that I can lately to increase my odds of success for our upcoming IVF. As far as I can tell the only things I can really do are take special care with my diet and focus on keeping a positive attitude and letting go of all of my stress.

Easier said than done, right?

So, one of the ways that I've always combated stress is cooking. Here's a recipe for a fun, fresh salsa that will also boost your fertility.

Fertility Salsa

1 can organic black beans
1 can organic corn
1 jalapeno pepper - de-seeded and minced very small
1 avocado - diced
1 bunch of green onions - minced very small
2 cloves garlic - minced
a few tomatoes - I only had one that I harvested from my garden

Chop all veggies and mix together in large bowl. Then drizzle 3 tablespoons of olive oil, 1 teaspoon cumin and salt and pepper over the mixture and combine. I didn't have any limes, but the juice from one lime also adds some zip to this salsa.

Watch this video to get some other ideas on fertility super foods. I found it to be very helpful.

Talk you later:

Jillian

P. S.  I changed the comment settings on this blog, so hopefully that will allow some of you who haven't been able to post comments to share! Thanks!

P. S. S. I talked to our insurance provider today and it looks like they will be covering a majority of our IVF medications - if this turns out to be the case we've just received a major blessing. We will still be paying out of pocket for the procedure, but having to pay a co-pay for the meds would be wonderful. I'll have to call back to our insurance company again in a few days and talk to a different rep and see if they give me the same cost estimates. Nothing's final until you get the bill . . .

practice transfer and sono (IVF #1)

Well, I made it through today.

My uterus feels like a punching bag, but I'm not going to complain. The results of my sonohysterogram were clear and good. I have a tilted uterus (like my mother and my twin sister) so the doctor had a difficult time positioning the ultrasound wand to get a clear shot. I barely felt the practice transfer. It was kinda a let down after the build-up in my mind.

I was dreading this appointment because with our luck I thought something will show up on the sono that will impede our forward progress. We are finally, slowly, day-by-daily inching forward.

Now my good doctor goes on vacation for two weeks and then WE CAN START.

Some good news is that we saw an egg follicle on my left ovary. Even though I'm on birth control (Emoquette) it looks like I will be ovulating. My doctor said that this is quite common for this type of birth control since they have such low hormone levels. I was elated with that news (but I'm an infertile) I think I would have panicked if I would have been someone who wasn't trying desperately to have a child.

So . . . I should ovulate in a few days.

One more shot the dark to do this naturally. Could be our lucky month.

Don't worry I'm not holding my breath . . . but sometimes fate is a weird sort of fairy-godmother.

Outside of those crazy musings, I've started to stockpile Crinone and begun the calls to the insurance company to inquire about drug coverage. We are not expecting any coverage so any sort of savings would be a windfall.

Well there have been a lot of BFPs in my blog roll this month. So happy for all of you new mommies and I hope I can join your ranks soon.

Peace out.

day 3 labs

Day three labs were normal.

Finally, I can let go of this crazy anxiety that I've been carrying around that I'd messed up my body beyond repair. I think it was time and acupuncture that brought me back around.

Thank you for this blessing. Is what I whispered after I got off the phone with the nurse from the clinic. We still have several appointments to go before we can start injections, but tonight I will start on the birth control pill.

I suppose you have all felt the irony of that. Two years ago my husband and I were whispering together before bedtime, plotting when we should get off the pill. We actually delayed a few months - because if we got pregnant that first month I would have been due to have the baby during my husband's annual training. That wasn't a stretch in my imagination - my twin got pregnant her first month of trying three years ago.

Happy fools.

But I do wish we could go back to that place. That giddy excitement and relaxation that comes with the expectation that life is going to go exactly as you have planned. This last year and a half has been a roller coaster of tears and emotional agony. Very few people have been able to relate to our struggle . . .

Day three labs were normal.

I'll take it.

cycle day 1 (IVF #1)

Day 1 and counting . . . I've scheduled my labs for Day 3 this upcoming Wednesday. All I can do now is hope and pray that everything is normal. I'm more than ready to start this next phase of treatments. My husband and I were at an info session for IVF at our clinic last month and the nurse asked a woman seated next to her husband when she hoped to start IVF treatment.

"Yesterday." The woman answered.

I think every woman (and man) in that room felt the same way. Why didn't we start this yesterday?

No time for regrets now I know as we move forward. Trying to stay hopeful - as well as keep my feet firmly planted beneath me. There are so many things that could go wrong. So many disappointments.

It's all the things that will go right - all of the JOYS - that are keeping me going. 

holiday

I know Dr.'s need vacations too. Mine is taking his for two weeks in the middle of July - the hard thing about this is that this is the same time that my first IVF cycle is scheduled to start. Let me make this clear, the clinic hasn't scheduled me in yet, that's just when I wanted to get the ball rolling on this next phase of our baby-making journey. The past few months have been agonizing hell for me as I've been waiting for my body to "return to normal" after our 6th and final failed IUI cycle. My hormones seem to be settling down, if all goes well my period should arrive on Saturday or Sunday.

Ha ha ha. Yes I am laughing at myself, because I know how things that we expect to happen don't happen the way we want them to when we are traveling down the road of infertility. Usually my period is very regular, I hope it doesn't fail me in seven days.

I also have to jump through several other hoops before we can start this cycle. I have to have good day 3 labs and I have to have a clear sono. These seem like big things to me now. Last year my attitude would have been "I'm sure everything will be great on me." Now my attitude is "okay, what are we dealing with now, and how much further am I from a positive pregnancy test?"

The journey if infertility has turned me into a different person. 

My days feel so blah. Here it is already almost July. The 4th used to be a really fun holiday for me, but now I don't really care. All I care about is when my name gets slotted on my IVF clinic's calendar and when I can start taking the meds. I know one of the main things that women say when they look back on their struggle with infertility is that they wish they hadn't stress so much, that they had enjoyed the beautiful moments in front of them, but I just can't. I just can't.

I'm sorry that I can't.

This holiday means nothing to me if I can't celebrate it one day with a child. I feel like I'm being childish, that I should just get over it, but again I can't. I am going to have a good day on the 4th. My husband will be home, I'm sure we'll do something fun and distracting. But I'm focused on one thing here - for better or worse.

Hopefully for the better.

kicking off a new cycle (IVF #1)

I started to reschedule appointments for our first round of IVF today. Our last treatment cycle was in April when I was put on a 100 mg dose of Clomid days 3-7 of my cycle. It was during that cycle that things started to go really haywire with my body. My brain did not like Clomid at all. We're still not sure if I ovulated with the Ovidrel trigger, or if my body released a few eggs (I had three) and not all of them - and one hung around for ten days before releasing late - screwing my hormones up. Or if the cysts that ultimately developed were releasing hormones as well - which also subsequently screwed my hormones up.

I'm guessing a little of both.

I know some women have had success with clomid and can pop it like candy while their body chugs happily away developing eggs, but I am not one of them. Clomid completely messed me up and also made me angry, emotional and really, really depressed while I was on it.

Phew, I'm glad I'm off of it - and so is my husband. Keep that stuff away from me. On that flip side, Clomid is one of the cheapest fertility drugs out there and since our insurance doesn't cover anything involving assisted reproduction we are now moving up to platinum level fertility treatments.

This sucks, ladies!

So I've been waiting 60 days from my cycle to start to level out. I've been drinking detox tea and visiting my acupuncturist 2 days a week. Finally, I can tell my cycle is coming back on track, so I started to schedule appointments a month out.

I have my sonohysterogram scheduled for July 10th and if my hormones are on track after my day 3 labs we should be good to go with the protocol Dr. P. decides will work for me. My hopes are that we can have our transfer mid-to-late August. Our clinic doesn't run their IVF program the first two weeks of August. The positive side to this is that my RE and Embryologist will be fresh and relaxed from their summer vacations. 

I am certain I will be one hot hormonal mess . . . 

In the weeks leading up to our IVF I'm really being careful about what I eat and the suppliments I'm taking in preparation. 

So far I'm on:

• prenatal vitamins
• royal jelly
• brazil nuts
• avocados
• detox tea
• no caffine
• limiting my red meat consumption to 1 meal a week
• lots of fresh fruits and veggies
• pineapple according to where I'm at in my cycle
• no booze 
• wheat grass smoothies
• bi-weekly acupuncture
• daily yoga and meditation
• daily walks with my dog
• daily prayer and reflection

If anyone has any suggestions for further food choices or suppliments that have worked for them please let me know. 

Thanks for your support, I truly appreciate it!

Jillian