5 months (almost)

This little jumping bean is almost 5 months old! I can't believe it! Where does the time go? I love this photo of him. He's been grabbing at me with his hands and his feet lately. It's so wonderful to have him reaching out for me.

Other milestones -

1. He's been rolling over. He gets stuck on his tummy at night and cries, we have to wake up and turn him over.
2. I think he's starting to notice our dog, Bree. 
3. Babbling more, blowing bubbles and cooing. 
4. Lots of drool. I think little teeth are coming!
5. He's really getting good at holding his head up while he's on his belly. 
6. He currently can scootch across the room on his back. He pushes himself with his legs.
7. He's started to squirm around while I change his diaper. This makes changing him tough. 
8. He grabs onto my arm and gnaws on it - more teething. 

I've been doing good with breastfeeding. Pumping is going okay at work. I think I've increased my milk production since being back at work. I get about 16 ounces during an 8 hour work day. The weekends are painful because he doesn't consume that much on a regular day. I'm starting to get quite a stockpile in the freezer, which is exactly what I want because I'm going to stop nursing him mid-July in preparation for our next transfer in November - God willing!

I've already got out homestudy packet, which we need to update and renew - pay another three grand. (Gah!) My husband asked me to add up our total projected expenses for our next round of treatments and it's almost ten grand for us to get the ball rolling. That includes homestudy in our state and then having our homestudy checked and being matched with more embryos. There are so many different fees it's hard to keep them all straight. 

We have a savings account that we keep just for our adoption/transfer attempts - we've built it up over the last four years. No vacations, no expensive dinners, just steady, down to earth living. It's the only way I can stay sane - knowing the money is ready and waiting for another attempt. We got The Total Money Makeover as a wedding present and we've followed those steps to stay financially grounded. It's been helpful to stay on top of our finances - since babies aren't "free" for us.

Praying for you all on this journey.

xo Jill

gotcha day!

This little drool monster was just a tiny embryo a year ago today. Just a tiny embryo waiting to be transferred into my uterus, waiting to grow into our beautiful little boy!

I can't believe how much my life has changed in a year. I have been privileged to experience pregnancy and motherhood. Privileged to wake in the middle of the night to his cries and hold him, privileged to nurse him.

Here's what our countertop top looks like every day when I get home from work. Bottles!

So far Logan is doing really good at daycare and I'm enjoying being back at work. I work at a really great place and I've been very touched by how many people have expressed that they are happy I'm back and that they missed me. Three years of infertility had me in such a funk, I'm lucky I was able to make a somewhat good impression on my coworkers.

Work keeps me busy all day and then 3:30 rolls around and it's time for me to pick up Logan! I've been experimenting with what is the best route from work to daycare to home. I think I picked a good one today - I shaved at least 20 minutes off of yesterday's commute.

Praying for you all on this journey.

Jill

appointment junkie

Things are going really well around here. Logan is turning four months old in little over a week and I'll be returning to work. (Next Tuesday to be exact.) The weather has warmed up and me and the baby and the dog have been getting out on nice long walks. I wear the baby in my "Moby" wrap, which I love. I love having the baby up close to me - and I bet I'm burning more calories and toning from carrying him around like that vs. pushing him in the stroller.

I think our dog is finally coming our of her version of "baby blues." We're out walking again and she's getting more attention as we get a better handle on our little guy. We have Logan's four month appointment next week. It will be fun to see how he's growing. He's still putting on weight like a champ. I hope daycare goes well when I go back to work.

We're already thinking about baby #2. We both turn 37 this year so there's no reason to lallygag. I've already started to book appointments and line up our "ducks" to adopt more embryos and to renew our home study. This might sound crazy - it's the middle of March, but our social worker suggested that we start our home study renewal in June and since we need to adopt more embryos that will take a few months to process. God willing our next FET will be in November 2016.

I've discovered I'm a bit of an appointment junkie. I've already booked my consult at the NEDC for August where I will get cleared to do another FET, and I'm starting to pencil in some of the initial appointments for bloodwork that both my husband and myself will need to get the ball rolling with the NEDC with our local fertility clinic.

There is something satisfying about seeing those appointments on the calendar.

That being said, absolutely nothing is getting in the way of me just enjoying our little miracle! When we actually start trying for # 2 he will be 1 year old. It's crazy that infertility causes a person to go through so much work just to get to the point to make an attempt to have a baby, but that's the way it is.

It makes me feel more a peace to know that things are in process for baby #2. Our siblings and friends are already on their baby #2 and baby #3s, so this is how I handle the situation. Prayer and my little calendar. 

Sending prayers for strength and miracles for all of us on this journey.

xo Jill

3 months

Baby boy had his baptism yesterday. It was a beautiful day surrounded by family and friends. I couldn't have dreamed this day would come even a year ago.

A year ago . . .

I was injecting myself with shots and combing over our travel plans to Tennessee. Now I've got a three month old squirming in his swing as I quickly try to write this entry.

We have been so blessed. Sometimes I take having a baby for granted, but other days I'm mentally on my knees praising God for what he has done for us. Our baby is just perfect. He's healthy and he's happy and he's in our life. I see my husband just blossoming under his smile and I'm so grateful.

Things are going good. I have a few more weeks left on my maternity leave, so I'm really loving up on Logan and enjoying our mid-morning story times and afternoon cuddles. I'm excited to get back to work and wear my big girl clothes. I know adjusting to being away from the baby will be hard, but I've got some inspiring working moms in my life so I know I can do it too. We lined up an in home day care to watch him during the day and as long as that goes well everything else will work itself out.

I just want to thank everyone for their kind comments and supportive words during my journey to motherhood. I have been inspired and uplifted by you all. Thank you!

Update on the blood clot - I'm still on blood thinners, but I have an appointment in the beginning of March to see about getting off of them. My blood clot will either be dissolved or stabilized so I won't need to be on medication any longer. It will feel good to be totally off meds.

Do any of you wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that you forgot to take some medication? I do. I call out for my husband sometimes and then (still sleeping of course) I drill him about what meds I'm on and what I forgot to take. He always tells me that I'm good and to go back to sleep. Now I'm waking up thinking the baby has missed his meds. Sheesh. Side effects of infertility.

Breastfeeding is going well. My right breast is much bigger than my left, and it's a better producer. Any of you ever dealt with that. I was excited for cleavage, but (wah-wah) it's lopsided. Ha ha pregnancy has made me very humble. My husband teases me a lot, but I'm just rolling with it and I'm happy I can provide food for the baby. He's weighing in at 14 pounds and he's getting little fat rolls on his thighs and arms.

He had a herniated belly button, but that is starting to receded as his abdominal muscles get stronger. He's fighting to sit up every time I lay him down in a reclining position - he does little crunches.

I suppose I should be doing some of those :) :)

Love to you all on this journey.

xo Jillian

compression + christmas stockings

Wow - I've been away from the blog for awhile!

I have been learning the ways of my baby. It's been like baby boot camp, but in a really good way.

So I never did post our birth story. It's already been four weeks since Logan has been here. I guess I will post what I can remember here, just so I have it written down somewhere. We had a really grueling birth experience.

November 21 - 9 PM (39 weeks)

I went to the bathroom and noticed a chunk of pinkish gunk after I peed. I was pretty sure that it was my mucous plug and I started to get excited.

November 22 - 12 AM

I went to bed wondering when labor would start and was woken up at around midnight by mild contractions. I could hardly sleep I was so excited. I got up at 3:00 am and took a shower and blow dried my hair. (Because don't you know I wanted my hair to look great on the day that my baby was born.)

At around noon I was still having contractions, they seemed to be getting closer together. At this point was I just excited. I cleaned the house, made dinner and watched the football game with my husband. The contractions started to get strong and closer together. When they were 1 minute long and five minutes a part for 1 hour we grabbed our bags and headed into the birth center. (Luckily it was only 8 minutes away from our house.)

Hospital Visit #1 - 6:30 PM

When we got to the hospital and they checked me out we were told I was fully effaced, but less then 1/2 cm dilated. Home we go. 

November 23 

Hospital Visit #2  - 1:00 AM

I felt that my contractions were getting stronger and and more painful, we went back to the hospital again. Still dilated only 1/2 cm. Home again.

Hospital Visit #3 - 7:00 PM  

At this point I had been in labor all day and had not slept since the night of November 21. They checked me and found out that I'm only dilated to 1-1/2 cm. I'm feeling pretty defeated and desperate. They keep telling us don't come back until you are having contractions that are 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long for 1 hour. That's exactly what's happening to me, but my cervix is not cooperating. At this visit they give me a small dose of morphine and a bed to allow me to get some sleep. I do get some sleep. (3 hours) And I manage to eat something. 

We get sent home again. 

At this point my husband and I have tried everything. We have walked around and around the block. We have done all of the suggestions in Ina May Gaskin's natural labor book to encourage labor. (wink wink) My husband turned up the water heater so that I could have continuous hot water and I basically sat in the bathtub for hours breathing through contractions. This entire time I was having contractions that were 5-1-1 - sometimes my contractions seemed to be 10 minutes long. The baby would squirm around after each contraction - causing me more and more pain. 

The doctor told me later on that I had an irritable uterus.  OMG - It hurt sooooo bad!

Hospital Visit #4 - 3:00 AM - November 24

At this point I was exhausted. I couldn't even walk to the car. I couldn't even talk when we were resubmitted to the labor and delivery ward - I did say one thing actually, I said:

I'm not leaving. 

They checked me and I was 3 cm dialated. We were admitted. So by this point I had been experiencing contractions for around 48 hours. I was exhausted. The contractions combined with my irratable uterus - plus lack of sleep - made the pain so hard to tolerate I finally asked for an epidural at around 9 am on that day.

Blessed relief. 

We held off on the pitocin until it was pretty obvious that I was still not making any progress. They they started me up on the lowest amount and I started to dilate. I made it to 5 - 1/2 cm by 6 pm. Not good enough. 

My uterus was getting tired. 

The doctor came in at 6:30 and said that she didn't think I was going to make any more progress that my uterus was exhausted and that it was time to consider a c-section. I was no where near emotionally prepared to deal with that. After talking it through (by this point my epidural had basically stopped working) we decided to do the c-section. 

I was a mess - shaking and crying. 

The c-section went great though. Baby Logan was born at 8:27 pm.  Birth weight - 7lbs - 1/2 oz. 

He was sunny side up. The doctor told me that seeing how he was situated inside of me she didn't think I would have been able to push him out, even if we had tried to give my body more time.

The one thing that was a real blessing during my entire labor was that Logan was never in distress. If we would have had to worry about that it would have been much more scary. 

In recovery Logan latched onto my breast like a champ and he's been breastfeeding and putting on weight - another really great blessing. 

My recovery from the c-section has been okay. The only hold up has been that I need to stop doing so much so that I don't strain myself and cause myself pain. Three days after the c-section I discovered that I had a blood clot. 

Blood clot in leg - ER visit - November 29 2:00 PM

Pain in right leg behind knee. Swelling in right foot that won't go away. Diagnosed with DVT - deep vein thrombrosis. Put on Lovonox injections. 

December 23, 2015

The blood clot set in motion a whole mess of appointments and tests. Today I am finally off the Lovonox and on Coumodin for the next 3-6 months until we have confirmation that the blood clot is gone. 

Oi! Crazy times - yet I feel so so blessed.

Logan is squirming on the sofa next to me - my husband is crashed out in the bedroom because we had a long night nursing him - he's cluster feeding - probably going through a growth spurt. It's amazing how a lot of things can go wrong, but when the right things also happen, it's easy to manage. Not easy . . . but I think many of you know what I mean. I got a baby and a blood clot. Everything is going to be okay.

It's something I'll have to manage the rest of my life, but bring it on.

Sorry for the super long post. One thing I want everyone to know are the signs of a blood clot. I didn't realize how big of a deal they are, but if they travel to your lungs or your heart that's dangerous. Pregnancy and fertility drugs put women more at risk for a blood clot. Birth control pills and smoking are a major no no.

We also discovered that I'm a carrier of factor v leiden heterozygous, which put me at a higher risk to begin with.

So, bring on the christmas stockings and the compression socks this holiday season, as long as I have my family around me and the good Lord's blessings I am so very blessed.

Merry merry Chirstmas everyone!

xo Jill

he's here

first day photos

Logan Lee - Born November 24 - 7lbs and 1/2 ounce - 21-1/2 inches long

He's here! Sorry for the delay on posting, but I had to have an unplanned c-section after 59 hours of labor, so it's taken me awhile to catch up.

Baby and mama are doing great!

I will post my labor story in the days to follow. For now my hours are filled with taking care of this little guy with my husband, resting, and settling in to maternity leave. We've had a moderate amount of guests. They have all come with food and good cheer, so it's been great.

This experience has completely transformed me. I am so deeply grateful to God and our donors. He is beautiful. I look at him and I can't believe that I get to be his mom. I am so so lucky.

God is good.

Sending hope and prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

36 weeks

 (T-minus 3 weeks 3 days and counting until due date. )

Isn't it funny how in the beginning we're all like I'm 4 weeks 4 days and 3 hours pregnant - now I'm like - It's this many nanoseconds until my due date :)

This week has been crazy at work. I've been putting in 9-10 hour days and then just coming home and crashing in the evening. Luckily, that schedule is done as of this past Friday. I told my manager and team that I'm going to start to slow down. I have two more full weeks scheduled and then I'm taking PTO for most of the days of Thanksgiving week.

I'm feeling pretty awkward and tired, but still really positive and grateful for all of these emotions. Every time I see my big belly in the mirror I'm just blown away. Wow this is you! Wow you're going to get to be a mom! Wow! You got to adopt an embryo from a wonderful family, take a bunch of tests, take a bunch of hormones, get shots in the butt twice a day for months, travel across the country, thaw out your little baby, get him put in your uterus, prayed and prayed and prayed and - IT WORKED! We're going to have a son in somewhere around three weeks. 

It's amazing, but sometimes I catch myself taking for granted that I'm pregnant and then I have to remind myself of all the miracles that just fell in line this past year for my husband and I to get to experience this. It's stunning.

I'm now going to weekly check-ups with my OB. This past Tuesday she said my cervix was soft and I was about 30-40% effaced. My body could sit like this for weeks, so I didn't get too excited.

Baby boy is really stretched out in my body. I can feel him kicking up by my ribs and feel his head rubbing down low against my bladder. This lower area has been feeling more tender these past few days. Maybe he's settling down for his final descent in the next few weeks? Hope so. He can't stay up there forever.

I had a baby shower with my side of the family a few weeks ago, but didn't post anything because my sister took all of the pictures and she hasn't gotten them to me yet. For those of you that have been following me from the beginning you know that I've had problems with both my in-laws and my own family during this process.

Counseling, a lot of souls searching and reading has helped me set more healthy boundaries with my in-laws, so we're doing pretty good, but I'm still struggling with my twin sister. Some people were asking about our labor approach at this last shower and I said that hubby and I had taken a class and felt ready to face the big day together. I said that I was going to try to doing things without drugs and proceed from there.

My sister was instantly on top of me saying: "You need someone there." (She's a nurse.) I said thanks, but that I thought hubby and I could handle it. That seemed to be the end of the it. I called her a few days after the shower to thank her for all her hard work and tell her how much I appreciated it. She was distant and I could tell something was up, finally she launched into how I didn't know anything about medicine and how labor was going to be extremely painful.

Long story short, my sister said some very cruel things to me during my infertility struggles (i.e. like you're never going to have a baby - again and again.) Even though we're identical twins and she had just been pregnant within the same year - hello! my body had just as much of a chance as hers did to conceive . . .so husband and I decided we didn't want a person like her in the room with us when we meet baby boy for the first time.

We went back and forth on the phone and then she hung up on me and now we haven't spoken for two weeks.

This just makes me feel really, really sad.

My sister has a lot of issues, but she won't talk to anyone, won't read anything and basically won't discuss how her attitudes are destroying our relationship. I wish we had a healthier relationship and I'm willing to meet her halfway, but she won't budge an inch.

I'm really hoping we see some sort of traction before baby boy arrives. I really treasure the visits I made to my sister when she had her baby girls - it was at the start of our infertility struggle and I was always nothing but happy for her.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Prayers to you on your journey!

xo Jill