fingerprints

His tiny fingerprints are all over the house.

On the mirror in the hallway where we make goofy faces at the glass and say "Who is this? Who is this? Is that my little boy?"

On the glasses that he reaches for at the dinner table. (Last weekend he reached forward and grabbed a glass and tipped it over the both of us.)

On all of his toys.

Forever on my heart. His fingerprints.

We went to the city services building on Thursday night, down into the basement to their fingerprinting processing room to get our fingerprints done for what will be our third homestudy.

Two times before this we have completed all of the paperwork, filled out all of the forms. Jumped through hoop after hoop.

I did it this time with him in my arms.

A completely different experience.

He smiled at the police officer doing our prints. The cop said: "You have one happy baby."

And one happy and grateful mama.

Homestudy # 3 is almost complete.

Happy 4th of July weekend everyone!

xo Jill

letters from babyland

I typed in "Babyland" in my search browser and this is one of the images that came up. Too funny and kinda scary how consuming having a baby can be.

(I will never ever ever ever take it for granted. Not ever. If I didn't have a baby I wouldn't be able to reflect in this way. I wouldn't be able to relax and laugh a little about being a mom. But I can laugh, because God blessed us. 

I. Am. So. Lucky.

Logan is starting to sit up. He's babbling more and he's babbling louder. He's started this fake cry thing that he definitely picked up at daycare.

He is such a good mimic. Sometimes he sounds like a cross between a robot and a dolphin. A robotic dolphin.

I still get the chills when I look at Logan and I look at my husband and I realize we're a family. It's the sort of chills you feel when you stand at the edge of a cliff and then take a step back and realize you didn't fall.

Near misses with grief. It could have gone one way, but it went the other . . .

I'm so blessed to be in babyland.

We started the paperwork to renew our home study. They gave us a 20% reduction in fees because we're going embryo adoption and this is our third round with them. We were very grateful for that. We still have to answer a bunch of questions, get our physicals and have our doctors fill out the forms and then go to the sheriff's office to get our fingerprints done. Lots to do!

I talked to the NEDC today and they recommend that I stop breastfeeding 2 months before our transfer in November. That's the end of August - right around the time that we have our kick off appointment for trying for baby #2 with Dr. K. I should probably try to wean Logan at the beginning of August so my boobs don't feel like they're going to explode on our trip to Tennessee.

(It's great to have this problem. Being able to nurse was one of the things I mourned when it looked like I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant.)

August is coming fast!

Sending prayers to you all who are still on this journey and prayers to you all who are blessed to be in babyland.

xo Jill

six months

Already six months old! I can't believe it. Our little guys is sleeping 6-7 hours each night - in his crib! We're on a roll this week - he's slept in his crib four nights in a row. I hope we can keep it up. I have to admit on the nights that he sleeps in his bassinet next to our bed the main reason is I still love to have him him right next to me. I sleep easier, because I can wake up and hear his breathing.

My mother-in-law was the one who told me that I just have to trust in God that he's safe and sound in his crib at night (after my husband and I have each checked on him twice) and I'm getting better at trusting in that. He cries pretty loud when he's unhappy or wet, so there's no way we can't hear him.


The home study packet for our adoption and all of the paper work for our sibling adoption and transfer through the NEDC are waiting to be opened and started. I'm supposed to call the RN from the NEDC this month to talk about next steps and preparing for our check up appointment in August and our hopeful transfer in November.

I'm praying everything is okay with my uterus after my c-section and that I'm cleared to get pregnant again. I worry about these things. When the doctor walked in and told us that she was recommended at c-section when I was in labor with Logan (after 59 hours of labor) my only hesitation was because I knew it could effect future transfers (we had a monitor on Logan at the time and he was doing okay and did great the entire time I was in labor with him.)

I know I'll have to trust in God about my body being able to carry another baby again as well. It would be another huge, huge blessing. One I will not take for granted. So far my body seems to be recovering well from my c-section, but I haven't had a scan done on my uterus. I will have to wait until August to see what is in store for us and our family.

Sending prayers and hope to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

being his mom

There have been a lot of happy tears this weekend as I reflect on how my life has changed in the past year. I feel so blessed to be a mom to my son. I can't believe how joyful and complete my life has become since we found out we were pregnant, then he was born and now he's in our lives shaking things up and keeping us on our toes.

Every day he's growing more and more. Doing different things, making different sounds, moving, flipping, scooting, reaching.

Thank you God for my son.

Today I met my mom, sister and cousin for lunch and a little light shopping. We went to the fabric shop, yarn shop, book store and a coffee shop. Logan sat in his stroller and watched people. He's full of smiles. Pretty easy to take care of.

I got so lucky. We got so lucky.

Thank you God for our donor family. I hope they are having a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. We agreed to exchange information once a year. I wish I could send them a picture of Logan today, but know I need to honor our agreement.

Praying for you all on this journey. If you are feeling sad this Mother's Day because your prayers have not been answered yet, please keep your hope alive. I never thought this could happen to me, but it did.

I hope you bring home your baby soon.

xo Jill

5 months (almost)

This little jumping bean is almost 5 months old! I can't believe it! Where does the time go? I love this photo of him. He's been grabbing at me with his hands and his feet lately. It's so wonderful to have him reaching out for me.

Other milestones -

1. He's been rolling over. He gets stuck on his tummy at night and cries, we have to wake up and turn him over.
2. I think he's starting to notice our dog, Bree. 
3. Babbling more, blowing bubbles and cooing. 
4. Lots of drool. I think little teeth are coming!
5. He's really getting good at holding his head up while he's on his belly. 
6. He currently can scootch across the room on his back. He pushes himself with his legs.
7. He's started to squirm around while I change his diaper. This makes changing him tough. 
8. He grabs onto my arm and gnaws on it - more teething. 

I've been doing good with breastfeeding. Pumping is going okay at work. I think I've increased my milk production since being back at work. I get about 16 ounces during an 8 hour work day. The weekends are painful because he doesn't consume that much on a regular day. I'm starting to get quite a stockpile in the freezer, which is exactly what I want because I'm going to stop nursing him mid-July in preparation for our next transfer in November - God willing!

I've already got out homestudy packet, which we need to update and renew - pay another three grand. (Gah!) My husband asked me to add up our total projected expenses for our next round of treatments and it's almost ten grand for us to get the ball rolling. That includes homestudy in our state and then having our homestudy checked and being matched with more embryos. There are so many different fees it's hard to keep them all straight. 

We have a savings account that we keep just for our adoption/transfer attempts - we've built it up over the last four years. No vacations, no expensive dinners, just steady, down to earth living. It's the only way I can stay sane - knowing the money is ready and waiting for another attempt. We got The Total Money Makeover as a wedding present and we've followed those steps to stay financially grounded. It's been helpful to stay on top of our finances - since babies aren't "free" for us.

Praying for you all on this journey.

xo Jill

gotcha day!

This little drool monster was just a tiny embryo a year ago today. Just a tiny embryo waiting to be transferred into my uterus, waiting to grow into our beautiful little boy!

I can't believe how much my life has changed in a year. I have been privileged to experience pregnancy and motherhood. Privileged to wake in the middle of the night to his cries and hold him, privileged to nurse him.

Here's what our countertop top looks like every day when I get home from work. Bottles!

So far Logan is doing really good at daycare and I'm enjoying being back at work. I work at a really great place and I've been very touched by how many people have expressed that they are happy I'm back and that they missed me. Three years of infertility had me in such a funk, I'm lucky I was able to make a somewhat good impression on my coworkers.

Work keeps me busy all day and then 3:30 rolls around and it's time for me to pick up Logan! I've been experimenting with what is the best route from work to daycare to home. I think I picked a good one today - I shaved at least 20 minutes off of yesterday's commute.

Praying for you all on this journey.

Jill

appointment junkie

Things are going really well around here. Logan is turning four months old in little over a week and I'll be returning to work. (Next Tuesday to be exact.) The weather has warmed up and me and the baby and the dog have been getting out on nice long walks. I wear the baby in my "Moby" wrap, which I love. I love having the baby up close to me - and I bet I'm burning more calories and toning from carrying him around like that vs. pushing him in the stroller.

I think our dog is finally coming our of her version of "baby blues." We're out walking again and she's getting more attention as we get a better handle on our little guy. We have Logan's four month appointment next week. It will be fun to see how he's growing. He's still putting on weight like a champ. I hope daycare goes well when I go back to work.

We're already thinking about baby #2. We both turn 37 this year so there's no reason to lallygag. I've already started to book appointments and line up our "ducks" to adopt more embryos and to renew our home study. This might sound crazy - it's the middle of March, but our social worker suggested that we start our home study renewal in June and since we need to adopt more embryos that will take a few months to process. God willing our next FET will be in November 2016.

I've discovered I'm a bit of an appointment junkie. I've already booked my consult at the NEDC for August where I will get cleared to do another FET, and I'm starting to pencil in some of the initial appointments for bloodwork that both my husband and myself will need to get the ball rolling with the NEDC with our local fertility clinic.

There is something satisfying about seeing those appointments on the calendar.

That being said, absolutely nothing is getting in the way of me just enjoying our little miracle! When we actually start trying for # 2 he will be 1 year old. It's crazy that infertility causes a person to go through so much work just to get to the point to make an attempt to have a baby, but that's the way it is.

It makes me feel more a peace to know that things are in process for baby #2. Our siblings and friends are already on their baby #2 and baby #3s, so this is how I handle the situation. Prayer and my little calendar. 

Sending prayers for strength and miracles for all of us on this journey.

xo Jill