28 weeks - reflections

A year ago today I had my egg retrieval for our failed IVF. I brought it up to my husband this morning and he asked me why I wanted to remember the bad things. I told him that I guess I was reflecting on how far we've come from where we've been.

Last September I was heartbroken and defeated. I knew that we wouldn't be going for another round of IVF. It's not that it was financially out of our reach, we could have sacrificed and saved to have another try, but I just knew that my soul, heart and body were tapped out. I was concerned with what all of the fertility drugs were doing to my body in the long run and I had this feeling in my gut that we could force it again and still not get the embryos we needed to transfer into my uterus to hopefully conceive a child.

After I cried and cried ...............and cried some more, I picked myself up and started to research other other options. I knew embryo adoption was an option, and we already had a current home study, so why not look into that?

It turned out to be our saving grace. Today I'm 28 weeks 1 day pregnant with our adopted son. It's a miracle what a difference a year makes. I had my 28 week appointment yesterday and passed my glucose test. I also had an ultrasound that checked our son's growth. The computer calculated him to be around 2 lbs 12 ounces. Wow!

We had to fight hard to get here. There were lots and lots of hoops to jump through. We drove thousands of miles (spent thousands of dollars) but the mileage and the cash seem like such easy things when I hear my baby's heartbeat and see him moving around on the ultra sound screen.

So - what a difference 365 days can make in the life of our growing little family. It can strengthen a marriage that was stretched thin and fill it with hope and strength and faith. It can ease the strain of isolation on an extended family due to the sorrow and misunderstandings of infertility.

I can't believe I'm sitting here - pregnant. Not when I think about what our odds were. Not when I think about how one family across the country would have to be so generous as to allow us to adopt their embryos and trust us to raise a little one that is so precious to them as well.

But it happened.

We have been blessed by God. So very blessed.

praying for everyone on this hard road,

xo Jill

27 weeks

27 weeks!! The time has just flown by since our anatomy scan. My baby bump is getting bigger every day and the little guy is getting pretty assertive with his kicks. The baby frequently has the hiccups - that's a funny thing to experience: Your baby hiccuping inside of you.

I am so blessed to get to feel that.

We created our gift registry this weekend. It's really wonderful that we can expect to get some of the things that we need at the baby showers my family has planned for me in the upcoming two months. I never thought I'd get to be the pregnant woman walking around the big box store with a beeper. Beeping diapers and bottles. Checking out the strollers and car seats. Having an opinion on such things.

Surreal!!

xo Jill

it's a boy!

We had our anatomy scan - I am 21 weeks pregnant - today. We found out that we are having a baby boy, and even more importantly, everything looks normal and healthy. I think I was holding my breath through the entire scan, just waiting to make sure that everything was okay.

I was trying to "read" the ultrasound tech and all of the cues that I was getting from her body language indicated that she was comfortable and excited about what she was seeing. She kept calling our little guy a "peanut" and tried to coax him to roll over onto his back, because he wanted to lay on his side and cover his face during the scan.

My husband held my hand the whole time. His entire body was radiating with a smile. I think I might have been that way too, but my eyes were also fixed on the screen. Now I wish I could go back and relive the scan totally stress free and excited, but I guess there's no moving backwards here - only forward.

I can't wait to share this news with our donor family, I know they will be just a relieved as we are to hear that our baby is healthy and thriving. I just feel so blessed. I keep reminding myself how lucky we are. We are so so lucky.

I kept thinking how technology has grown in the past 10-20 years and how hard it would have been even 10 years ago to be an infertile couple waiting to adopt . . . there are so many more options today. I get to be pregnant. I get to carry our child. I am stunned with gratitude. I would have never gotten the chance to experience this.

I. am. so. damn. grateful.

Praying for all of you on this path. That you find joy and hope. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

xo Jill

20 weeks - nesting

Nesting has started to kick in. My husband has been away for some training so I've had the last ten days to myself. I've been knitting, cleaning and preserving veggies from our garden for this winter when the baby arrives.

The images above are items that I want to knit for the baby. I've already completed the sweater, but I have to find the right yarn to knit the lamb and the socks. 

Pregnancy symptoms:

• Baby is kicking and wriggling around. This feels awesome. I love the quiet times at night when baby starts moving and I can just lay there and feel him/her. 
• My belly is itchy - because it's expanding!
• heartBURN -- I had it all day today. Major yuck.
• Sleep disruption - I can't seem to sleep for more than two hours straight without waking up because I have to pee or waking up because I'm uncomfortable. 
• Happy GLOW - I'm just happy that we have our baby in our life! Every so often I come across the story of someone who couldn't have a child and I pause and let the miracle of what has happened to my husband and I wash over me. We have been so blessed. I am so thankful for our donors. 

Things I'm doing:

• Taking prenatal vitamins and fish oil supplements. 
• Eating tons of fresh veggies from the garden.
• Walking daily to work and with the dog when I get home. 
• Preparing for birth by researching natural birthing methods - also researching birth stories so that I'm prepared for what ever may come. 
• Yoga! (I'm also teaching yoga at my office)
• Praying daily and expressing my gratitude for all the gifts in my life. 
• Rubbing organic sweet almond oil on my growing belly
• Loving on my husband
• Knitting hats and sweaters for the baby. 

Our anatomy scan is next week. I'm trying not to think about that too much so that I don't stress. I'm praying that the scan is uneventful and joyful. That we learn the sex of our child and that I am carrying a child that is developing healthily. What a miracle it will be to get past that milestone.

Praying for all of you walking the path of infertility, may we be blessed with the joy that is waiting for us all.

xo
Jill

17 weeks - little flutters?

I had an OB appointment this week and got to hear the baby's heartbeat. The doctor said that everything is looking normal. My next appointment is scheduled for the third week in July - that's when we'll have our anatomy scan ultrasound.

I've been feeling pretty good this week. I only threw up twice, which is a new record and that was on Monday and Tuesday so maybe I'm leaving those pregnancy symptoms behind me.

I had a big bowl of ice cream before bed on Tuesday night and I thought I felt some little flutters when I was drifting off to sleep. I've felt a few bumps and bubbles since then. When the doctor was listening to the heartbeat with her doppler she said that she could also hear the baby moving around a lot, but I couldn't feel it.

Hopefully I will start feeling more and more bumps and bubbles in the upcoming weeks.

xo Jill

16 weeks

Here I am 16 weeks pregnant and I still can't believe that I'm sitting here with a rounded belly protruding in front of my keyboard.

So far my pregnancy has been uneventful and smooth and I'm very grateful for that. I'm still experiencing nausea and some fatigue, but it's nowhere near where it was during my first trimester. It's nice to be off of the PIO shots. Now I know that it's really my body responding to the hormones of my pregnancy.

I'm wearing maternity bottoms, but still fit into some of my cotton tops. I've gradually begun to wear both a maternity tops and bottoms to work. I'm trying to adjust my wardrobe slowly, because I haven't announced to anyone (except HR) that I'm expecting.

You would think after all the years of trying I would have banner made and hung above my desk, but surprisingly enough it has been nice to just keep my news to myself. People will know soon enough once my belly really starts to pop out.

Nights are when I really feel pregnant. Sometimes I get up as many as three times to pee, and my breasts get really sensitive when I go to bed. I don't mind it. This feeling of really being pregnant is very comforting. I love it that my belly is starting to grow.

My next appointment is in a week. Just a regular OB check up. We have our anatomy scan scheduled for the 3rd week of July. (Grow baby grow!)

Thank you for your support and prayers. Sending prayers to you on your journey.

xo Jill

second trimester

I can't believe that I tiptoed into my second trimester today. I feel so very blessed. I had my first appointment with a regular OB last week, which included another ultrasound. Baby looked great. I was so relieved to see our little one bopping around on the screen.

My brother and his wife had their first baby yesterday. If we weren't pregnant I would have spent large chunks of my day crying in the bathroom at work. That didn't happen, but another sad side effect of infertility did occur: a majority of my family avoided talking to me today.

Not everyone knows that we're expecting and moving away from the black hole of infertility, so they still steer clear of any type of awkward situation that mentions babies and my husband and I.

My brother sent me an email with some great photos late this afternoon and I wished them joy and then shared our good news. I hesitated before I said something, but I was hoping that our good news would make him pity us less. It did the trick. I'm sure they are back in their own family bubble at this point and have forgotten our news as they care for another tiny human being- as is probably very, very common with all first time parents.

I can't wait to be there myself.

We've pretty much told everyone that we wanted to tell about our pregnancy and adoption at this point. The rest of my extended family will only hear that we are pregnant, but not the intimate details. We plan on being open with our child about their very special beginnings and have shared with all our immediate family.

I may share more later, but for now I feel at peace with everyone we've told.

Wishing all of you strength and endurance on this journey.

Jill xoxo