36 weeks

 (T-minus 3 weeks 3 days and counting until due date. )

Isn't it funny how in the beginning we're all like I'm 4 weeks 4 days and 3 hours pregnant - now I'm like - It's this many nanoseconds until my due date :)

This week has been crazy at work. I've been putting in 9-10 hour days and then just coming home and crashing in the evening. Luckily, that schedule is done as of this past Friday. I told my manager and team that I'm going to start to slow down. I have two more full weeks scheduled and then I'm taking PTO for most of the days of Thanksgiving week.

I'm feeling pretty awkward and tired, but still really positive and grateful for all of these emotions. Every time I see my big belly in the mirror I'm just blown away. Wow this is you! Wow you're going to get to be a mom! Wow! You got to adopt an embryo from a wonderful family, take a bunch of tests, take a bunch of hormones, get shots in the butt twice a day for months, travel across the country, thaw out your little baby, get him put in your uterus, prayed and prayed and prayed and - IT WORKED! We're going to have a son in somewhere around three weeks. 

It's amazing, but sometimes I catch myself taking for granted that I'm pregnant and then I have to remind myself of all the miracles that just fell in line this past year for my husband and I to get to experience this. It's stunning.

I'm now going to weekly check-ups with my OB. This past Tuesday she said my cervix was soft and I was about 30-40% effaced. My body could sit like this for weeks, so I didn't get too excited.

Baby boy is really stretched out in my body. I can feel him kicking up by my ribs and feel his head rubbing down low against my bladder. This lower area has been feeling more tender these past few days. Maybe he's settling down for his final descent in the next few weeks? Hope so. He can't stay up there forever.

I had a baby shower with my side of the family a few weeks ago, but didn't post anything because my sister took all of the pictures and she hasn't gotten them to me yet. For those of you that have been following me from the beginning you know that I've had problems with both my in-laws and my own family during this process.

Counseling, a lot of souls searching and reading has helped me set more healthy boundaries with my in-laws, so we're doing pretty good, but I'm still struggling with my twin sister. Some people were asking about our labor approach at this last shower and I said that hubby and I had taken a class and felt ready to face the big day together. I said that I was going to try to doing things without drugs and proceed from there.

My sister was instantly on top of me saying: "You need someone there." (She's a nurse.) I said thanks, but that I thought hubby and I could handle it. That seemed to be the end of the it. I called her a few days after the shower to thank her for all her hard work and tell her how much I appreciated it. She was distant and I could tell something was up, finally she launched into how I didn't know anything about medicine and how labor was going to be extremely painful.

Long story short, my sister said some very cruel things to me during my infertility struggles (i.e. like you're never going to have a baby - again and again.) Even though we're identical twins and she had just been pregnant within the same year - hello! my body had just as much of a chance as hers did to conceive . . .so husband and I decided we didn't want a person like her in the room with us when we meet baby boy for the first time.

We went back and forth on the phone and then she hung up on me and now we haven't spoken for two weeks.

This just makes me feel really, really sad.

My sister has a lot of issues, but she won't talk to anyone, won't read anything and basically won't discuss how her attitudes are destroying our relationship. I wish we had a healthier relationship and I'm willing to meet her halfway, but she won't budge an inch.

I'm really hoping we see some sort of traction before baby boy arrives. I really treasure the visits I made to my sister when she had her baby girls - it was at the start of our infertility struggle and I was always nothing but happy for her.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Prayers to you on your journey!

xo Jill

shower time

That's me holding a cupcake at my baby shower.

Weeks 32 - 33 have flown by and I have moments of sadness because my pregnancy will soon be over and joy - also because my pregnancy will soon be over.

I had my 34 week appointment today and everything seems to be going really well. Baby is measuring on track, baby's heartbeat is good. All my tests are within the normal range. We have been very blessed with this uneventful pregnancy.

My husband and I are going to tour the birth center of the hospital where we plan to deliver next week. Other than organizing the nursery and washing the pile of baby clothes I've received, nothing is really outstanding on our to-do list.

Sending hope and prayers to everyone on this journey.

xo Jill

32 weeks

I had my 32 appointment today. It went good. The doctor checked the baby's position and verified what I've suspected for the last few weeks - the baby is head down.

I've been feeling lots of hiccups down low and I thought that I could also feel his head grinding into my bladder. Turns out I was right.

We're starting to pull together the nursery. My husband's cousin was very generous and sold us their nursery furniture for a very low price, and my husband's parents gave us a gliding rocker that they had in their basement and rarely used. We plan of putting a fresh coat of paint on the baby's room this weekend. I'm also hoping my husband will but the crib together this Saturday while I'm at my first baby shower.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Sending love!

Jill

28 weeks - reflections

A year ago today I had my egg retrieval for our failed IVF. I brought it up to my husband this morning and he asked me why I wanted to remember the bad things. I told him that I guess I was reflecting on how far we've come from where we've been.

Last September I was heartbroken and defeated. I knew that we wouldn't be going for another round of IVF. It's not that it was financially out of our reach, we could have sacrificed and saved to have another try, but I just knew that my soul, heart and body were tapped out. I was concerned with what all of the fertility drugs were doing to my body in the long run and I had this feeling in my gut that we could force it again and still not get the embryos we needed to transfer into my uterus to hopefully conceive a child.

After I cried and cried ...............and cried some more, I picked myself up and started to research other other options. I knew embryo adoption was an option, and we already had a current home study, so why not look into that?

It turned out to be our saving grace. Today I'm 28 weeks 1 day pregnant with our adopted son. It's a miracle what a difference a year makes. I had my 28 week appointment yesterday and passed my glucose test. I also had an ultrasound that checked our son's growth. The computer calculated him to be around 2 lbs 12 ounces. Wow!

We had to fight hard to get here. There were lots and lots of hoops to jump through. We drove thousands of miles (spent thousands of dollars) but the mileage and the cash seem like such easy things when I hear my baby's heartbeat and see him moving around on the ultra sound screen.

So - what a difference 365 days can make in the life of our growing little family. It can strengthen a marriage that was stretched thin and fill it with hope and strength and faith. It can ease the strain of isolation on an extended family due to the sorrow and misunderstandings of infertility.

I can't believe I'm sitting here - pregnant. Not when I think about what our odds were. Not when I think about how one family across the country would have to be so generous as to allow us to adopt their embryos and trust us to raise a little one that is so precious to them as well.

But it happened.

We have been blessed by God. So very blessed.

praying for everyone on this hard road,

xo Jill

27 weeks

27 weeks!! The time has just flown by since our anatomy scan. My baby bump is getting bigger every day and the little guy is getting pretty assertive with his kicks. The baby frequently has the hiccups - that's a funny thing to experience: Your baby hiccuping inside of you.

I am so blessed to get to feel that.

We created our gift registry this weekend. It's really wonderful that we can expect to get some of the things that we need at the baby showers my family has planned for me in the upcoming two months. I never thought I'd get to be the pregnant woman walking around the big box store with a beeper. Beeping diapers and bottles. Checking out the strollers and car seats. Having an opinion on such things.

Surreal!!

xo Jill

it's a boy!

We had our anatomy scan - I am 21 weeks pregnant - today. We found out that we are having a baby boy, and even more importantly, everything looks normal and healthy. I think I was holding my breath through the entire scan, just waiting to make sure that everything was okay.

I was trying to "read" the ultrasound tech and all of the cues that I was getting from her body language indicated that she was comfortable and excited about what she was seeing. She kept calling our little guy a "peanut" and tried to coax him to roll over onto his back, because he wanted to lay on his side and cover his face during the scan.

My husband held my hand the whole time. His entire body was radiating with a smile. I think I might have been that way too, but my eyes were also fixed on the screen. Now I wish I could go back and relive the scan totally stress free and excited, but I guess there's no moving backwards here - only forward.

I can't wait to share this news with our donor family, I know they will be just a relieved as we are to hear that our baby is healthy and thriving. I just feel so blessed. I keep reminding myself how lucky we are. We are so so lucky.

I kept thinking how technology has grown in the past 10-20 years and how hard it would have been even 10 years ago to be an infertile couple waiting to adopt . . . there are so many more options today. I get to be pregnant. I get to carry our child. I am stunned with gratitude. I would have never gotten the chance to experience this.

I. am. so. damn. grateful.

Praying for all of you on this path. That you find joy and hope. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

xo Jill

20 weeks - nesting

Nesting has started to kick in. My husband has been away for some training so I've had the last ten days to myself. I've been knitting, cleaning and preserving veggies from our garden for this winter when the baby arrives.

The images above are items that I want to knit for the baby. I've already completed the sweater, but I have to find the right yarn to knit the lamb and the socks. 

Pregnancy symptoms:

• Baby is kicking and wriggling around. This feels awesome. I love the quiet times at night when baby starts moving and I can just lay there and feel him/her. 
• My belly is itchy - because it's expanding!
• heartBURN -- I had it all day today. Major yuck.
• Sleep disruption - I can't seem to sleep for more than two hours straight without waking up because I have to pee or waking up because I'm uncomfortable. 
• Happy GLOW - I'm just happy that we have our baby in our life! Every so often I come across the story of someone who couldn't have a child and I pause and let the miracle of what has happened to my husband and I wash over me. We have been so blessed. I am so thankful for our donors. 

Things I'm doing:

• Taking prenatal vitamins and fish oil supplements. 
• Eating tons of fresh veggies from the garden.
• Walking daily to work and with the dog when I get home. 
• Preparing for birth by researching natural birthing methods - also researching birth stories so that I'm prepared for what ever may come. 
• Yoga! (I'm also teaching yoga at my office)
• Praying daily and expressing my gratitude for all the gifts in my life. 
• Rubbing organic sweet almond oil on my growing belly
• Loving on my husband
• Knitting hats and sweaters for the baby. 

Our anatomy scan is next week. I'm trying not to think about that too much so that I don't stress. I'm praying that the scan is uneventful and joyful. That we learn the sex of our child and that I am carrying a child that is developing healthily. What a miracle it will be to get past that milestone.

Praying for all of you walking the path of infertility, may we be blessed with the joy that is waiting for us all.

xo
Jill