compression + christmas stockings

Wow - I've been away from the blog for awhile!

I have been learning the ways of my baby. It's been like baby boot camp, but in a really good way.

So I never did post our birth story. It's already been four weeks since Logan has been here. I guess I will post what I can remember here, just so I have it written down somewhere. We had a really grueling birth experience.

November 21 - 9 PM (39 weeks)

I went to the bathroom and noticed a chunk of pinkish gunk after I peed. I was pretty sure that it was my mucous plug and I started to get excited.

November 22 - 12 AM

I went to bed wondering when labor would start and was woken up at around midnight by mild contractions. I could hardly sleep I was so excited. I got up at 3:00 am and took a shower and blow dried my hair. (Because don't you know I wanted my hair to look great on the day that my baby was born.)

At around noon I was still having contractions, they seemed to be getting closer together. At this point was I just excited. I cleaned the house, made dinner and watched the football game with my husband. The contractions started to get strong and closer together. When they were 1 minute long and five minutes a part for 1 hour we grabbed our bags and headed into the birth center. (Luckily it was only 8 minutes away from our house.)

Hospital Visit #1 - 6:30 PM

When we got to the hospital and they checked me out we were told I was fully effaced, but less then 1/2 cm dilated. Home we go. 

November 23 

Hospital Visit #2  - 1:00 AM

I felt that my contractions were getting stronger and and more painful, we went back to the hospital again. Still dilated only 1/2 cm. Home again.

Hospital Visit #3 - 7:00 PM  

At this point I had been in labor all day and had not slept since the night of November 21. They checked me and found out that I'm only dilated to 1-1/2 cm. I'm feeling pretty defeated and desperate. They keep telling us don't come back until you are having contractions that are 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long for 1 hour. That's exactly what's happening to me, but my cervix is not cooperating. At this visit they give me a small dose of morphine and a bed to allow me to get some sleep. I do get some sleep. (3 hours) And I manage to eat something. 

We get sent home again. 

At this point my husband and I have tried everything. We have walked around and around the block. We have done all of the suggestions in Ina May Gaskin's natural labor book to encourage labor. (wink wink) My husband turned up the water heater so that I could have continuous hot water and I basically sat in the bathtub for hours breathing through contractions. This entire time I was having contractions that were 5-1-1 - sometimes my contractions seemed to be 10 minutes long. The baby would squirm around after each contraction - causing me more and more pain. 

The doctor told me later on that I had an irritable uterus.  OMG - It hurt sooooo bad!

Hospital Visit #4 - 3:00 AM - November 24

At this point I was exhausted. I couldn't even walk to the car. I couldn't even talk when we were resubmitted to the labor and delivery ward - I did say one thing actually, I said:

I'm not leaving. 

They checked me and I was 3 cm dialated. We were admitted. So by this point I had been experiencing contractions for around 48 hours. I was exhausted. The contractions combined with my irratable uterus - plus lack of sleep - made the pain so hard to tolerate I finally asked for an epidural at around 9 am on that day.

Blessed relief. 

We held off on the pitocin until it was pretty obvious that I was still not making any progress. They they started me up on the lowest amount and I started to dilate. I made it to 5 - 1/2 cm by 6 pm. Not good enough. 

My uterus was getting tired. 

The doctor came in at 6:30 and said that she didn't think I was going to make any more progress that my uterus was exhausted and that it was time to consider a c-section. I was no where near emotionally prepared to deal with that. After talking it through (by this point my epidural had basically stopped working) we decided to do the c-section. 

I was a mess - shaking and crying. 

The c-section went great though. Baby Logan was born at 8:27 pm.  Birth weight - 7lbs - 1/2 oz. 

He was sunny side up. The doctor told me that seeing how he was situated inside of me she didn't think I would have been able to push him out, even if we had tried to give my body more time.

The one thing that was a real blessing during my entire labor was that Logan was never in distress. If we would have had to worry about that it would have been much more scary. 

In recovery Logan latched onto my breast like a champ and he's been breastfeeding and putting on weight - another really great blessing. 

My recovery from the c-section has been okay. The only hold up has been that I need to stop doing so much so that I don't strain myself and cause myself pain. Three days after the c-section I discovered that I had a blood clot. 

Blood clot in leg - ER visit - November 29 2:00 PM

Pain in right leg behind knee. Swelling in right foot that won't go away. Diagnosed with DVT - deep vein thrombrosis. Put on Lovonox injections. 

December 23, 2015

The blood clot set in motion a whole mess of appointments and tests. Today I am finally off the Lovonox and on Coumodin for the next 3-6 months until we have confirmation that the blood clot is gone. 

Oi! Crazy times - yet I feel so so blessed.

Logan is squirming on the sofa next to me - my husband is crashed out in the bedroom because we had a long night nursing him - he's cluster feeding - probably going through a growth spurt. It's amazing how a lot of things can go wrong, but when the right things also happen, it's easy to manage. Not easy . . . but I think many of you know what I mean. I got a baby and a blood clot. Everything is going to be okay.

It's something I'll have to manage the rest of my life, but bring it on.

Sorry for the super long post. One thing I want everyone to know are the signs of a blood clot. I didn't realize how big of a deal they are, but if they travel to your lungs or your heart that's dangerous. Pregnancy and fertility drugs put women more at risk for a blood clot. Birth control pills and smoking are a major no no.

We also discovered that I'm a carrier of factor v leiden heterozygous, which put me at a higher risk to begin with.

So, bring on the christmas stockings and the compression socks this holiday season, as long as I have my family around me and the good Lord's blessings I am so very blessed.

Merry merry Chirstmas everyone!

xo Jill

he's here

first day photos

Logan Lee - Born November 24 - 7lbs and 1/2 ounce - 21-1/2 inches long

He's here! Sorry for the delay on posting, but I had to have an unplanned c-section after 59 hours of labor, so it's taken me awhile to catch up.

Baby and mama are doing great!

I will post my labor story in the days to follow. For now my hours are filled with taking care of this little guy with my husband, resting, and settling in to maternity leave. We've had a moderate amount of guests. They have all come with food and good cheer, so it's been great.

This experience has completely transformed me. I am so deeply grateful to God and our donors. He is beautiful. I look at him and I can't believe that I get to be his mom. I am so so lucky.

God is good.

Sending hope and prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

36 weeks

 (T-minus 3 weeks 3 days and counting until due date. )

Isn't it funny how in the beginning we're all like I'm 4 weeks 4 days and 3 hours pregnant - now I'm like - It's this many nanoseconds until my due date :)

This week has been crazy at work. I've been putting in 9-10 hour days and then just coming home and crashing in the evening. Luckily, that schedule is done as of this past Friday. I told my manager and team that I'm going to start to slow down. I have two more full weeks scheduled and then I'm taking PTO for most of the days of Thanksgiving week.

I'm feeling pretty awkward and tired, but still really positive and grateful for all of these emotions. Every time I see my big belly in the mirror I'm just blown away. Wow this is you! Wow you're going to get to be a mom! Wow! You got to adopt an embryo from a wonderful family, take a bunch of tests, take a bunch of hormones, get shots in the butt twice a day for months, travel across the country, thaw out your little baby, get him put in your uterus, prayed and prayed and prayed and - IT WORKED! We're going to have a son in somewhere around three weeks. 

It's amazing, but sometimes I catch myself taking for granted that I'm pregnant and then I have to remind myself of all the miracles that just fell in line this past year for my husband and I to get to experience this. It's stunning.

I'm now going to weekly check-ups with my OB. This past Tuesday she said my cervix was soft and I was about 30-40% effaced. My body could sit like this for weeks, so I didn't get too excited.

Baby boy is really stretched out in my body. I can feel him kicking up by my ribs and feel his head rubbing down low against my bladder. This lower area has been feeling more tender these past few days. Maybe he's settling down for his final descent in the next few weeks? Hope so. He can't stay up there forever.

I had a baby shower with my side of the family a few weeks ago, but didn't post anything because my sister took all of the pictures and she hasn't gotten them to me yet. For those of you that have been following me from the beginning you know that I've had problems with both my in-laws and my own family during this process.

Counseling, a lot of souls searching and reading has helped me set more healthy boundaries with my in-laws, so we're doing pretty good, but I'm still struggling with my twin sister. Some people were asking about our labor approach at this last shower and I said that hubby and I had taken a class and felt ready to face the big day together. I said that I was going to try to doing things without drugs and proceed from there.

My sister was instantly on top of me saying: "You need someone there." (She's a nurse.) I said thanks, but that I thought hubby and I could handle it. That seemed to be the end of the it. I called her a few days after the shower to thank her for all her hard work and tell her how much I appreciated it. She was distant and I could tell something was up, finally she launched into how I didn't know anything about medicine and how labor was going to be extremely painful.

Long story short, my sister said some very cruel things to me during my infertility struggles (i.e. like you're never going to have a baby - again and again.) Even though we're identical twins and she had just been pregnant within the same year - hello! my body had just as much of a chance as hers did to conceive . . .so husband and I decided we didn't want a person like her in the room with us when we meet baby boy for the first time.

We went back and forth on the phone and then she hung up on me and now we haven't spoken for two weeks.

This just makes me feel really, really sad.

My sister has a lot of issues, but she won't talk to anyone, won't read anything and basically won't discuss how her attitudes are destroying our relationship. I wish we had a healthier relationship and I'm willing to meet her halfway, but she won't budge an inch.

I'm really hoping we see some sort of traction before baby boy arrives. I really treasure the visits I made to my sister when she had her baby girls - it was at the start of our infertility struggle and I was always nothing but happy for her.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Prayers to you on your journey!

xo Jill

shower time

That's me holding a cupcake at my baby shower.

Weeks 32 - 33 have flown by and I have moments of sadness because my pregnancy will soon be over and joy - also because my pregnancy will soon be over.

I had my 34 week appointment today and everything seems to be going really well. Baby is measuring on track, baby's heartbeat is good. All my tests are within the normal range. We have been very blessed with this uneventful pregnancy.

My husband and I are going to tour the birth center of the hospital where we plan to deliver next week. Other than organizing the nursery and washing the pile of baby clothes I've received, nothing is really outstanding on our to-do list.

Sending hope and prayers to everyone on this journey.

xo Jill

32 weeks

I had my 32 appointment today. It went good. The doctor checked the baby's position and verified what I've suspected for the last few weeks - the baby is head down.

I've been feeling lots of hiccups down low and I thought that I could also feel his head grinding into my bladder. Turns out I was right.

We're starting to pull together the nursery. My husband's cousin was very generous and sold us their nursery furniture for a very low price, and my husband's parents gave us a gliding rocker that they had in their basement and rarely used. We plan of putting a fresh coat of paint on the baby's room this weekend. I'm also hoping my husband will but the crib together this Saturday while I'm at my first baby shower.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Sending love!

Jill

28 weeks - reflections

A year ago today I had my egg retrieval for our failed IVF. I brought it up to my husband this morning and he asked me why I wanted to remember the bad things. I told him that I guess I was reflecting on how far we've come from where we've been.

Last September I was heartbroken and defeated. I knew that we wouldn't be going for another round of IVF. It's not that it was financially out of our reach, we could have sacrificed and saved to have another try, but I just knew that my soul, heart and body were tapped out. I was concerned with what all of the fertility drugs were doing to my body in the long run and I had this feeling in my gut that we could force it again and still not get the embryos we needed to transfer into my uterus to hopefully conceive a child.

After I cried and cried ...............and cried some more, I picked myself up and started to research other other options. I knew embryo adoption was an option, and we already had a current home study, so why not look into that?

It turned out to be our saving grace. Today I'm 28 weeks 1 day pregnant with our adopted son. It's a miracle what a difference a year makes. I had my 28 week appointment yesterday and passed my glucose test. I also had an ultrasound that checked our son's growth. The computer calculated him to be around 2 lbs 12 ounces. Wow!

We had to fight hard to get here. There were lots and lots of hoops to jump through. We drove thousands of miles (spent thousands of dollars) but the mileage and the cash seem like such easy things when I hear my baby's heartbeat and see him moving around on the ultra sound screen.

So - what a difference 365 days can make in the life of our growing little family. It can strengthen a marriage that was stretched thin and fill it with hope and strength and faith. It can ease the strain of isolation on an extended family due to the sorrow and misunderstandings of infertility.

I can't believe I'm sitting here - pregnant. Not when I think about what our odds were. Not when I think about how one family across the country would have to be so generous as to allow us to adopt their embryos and trust us to raise a little one that is so precious to them as well.

But it happened.

We have been blessed by God. So very blessed.

praying for everyone on this hard road,

xo Jill

27 weeks

27 weeks!! The time has just flown by since our anatomy scan. My baby bump is getting bigger every day and the little guy is getting pretty assertive with his kicks. The baby frequently has the hiccups - that's a funny thing to experience: Your baby hiccuping inside of you.

I am so blessed to get to feel that.

We created our gift registry this weekend. It's really wonderful that we can expect to get some of the things that we need at the baby showers my family has planned for me in the upcoming two months. I never thought I'd get to be the pregnant woman walking around the big box store with a beeper. Beeping diapers and bottles. Checking out the strollers and car seats. Having an opinion on such things.

Surreal!!

xo Jill