family gatherings

Before infertility I enjoyed hanging around with my husband's family and friends. Looking back I have to admit that part of my enjoyment rested in a steady belief that soon we would be the smug parents of a growing family. Soon I would be a busy mother chasing her toddler around the room to the humorous comments of observing grandparents and aunties and uncles.

But our infertility has put a stop to that.

It's hard to keep going to family gatherings and say hello to some of my husband's cousin's wives who are on their third and fourth children. They just don't comprehend our situation.

We have a gathering that we can't avoid next week. A cousin is visiting from Ireland. She has an infant who is the same age as our nephew. I'm sure my sister-in-law and her husband with be there with said nephew. The talk will probably be all about babies and I will find myself in the backyard doing a poor job of hiding out with the host's poodle.

I don't want to go - but it can't be avoided. Everyone will know why I wasn't there. That I couldn't take it.

They have no idea how hard it is to attend family gatherings and put on a happy face.

I'm counting down the days of our IVF cycle. I hope that this doesn't end in more pain and despair. I know I can't place my hope and faith that this cycle will work . . . if I do that I will end up more hurt than ever.

I have some modest hope that it will work. (That hope is so strong, but it's tempered with experience.)

Will having a baby and being a mother make attending family gatherings easier? Will I ever forget how people slighted and ignored us during this difficult time? Will I come out a bigger and better person?

I hope so.