uplifting thoughts

Just love the dog flying sideways through the air after the frisbree. My dog loves to catch frisbees. Everyday I get home from work and she's waiting for me. She really lifts me up. My husband and I just adopted her three weeks ago. It took us a while to get a dog. We were back and forth.

In 2011 we said:

"Should we get a dog? We'll be having a baby soon, there will be no time for a dog.

In 2012 we said:

"The baby is just around the corner, it wouldn't be fair to the dog if we got one."

Then came 2013:

"We can't even think about a dog, we're too busy running back and forth between work and fertility appointments."

Finally 2014:

I said "Honey, we're going to adopt a dog. Let's make a positive step forward in our life and take this leap."

And our dog has been the best thing we've done in the last two years. Funny, but now that we have her, I feel like there's this positive energy in our life now . . . things are going to start to happen for us.

Ever hopeful:

Jillian

(Source: handmadebycharlotte.com; blogg.amelia.se,magicinbatureblog; lifespotting.tumbler.com; claudia.d.k)

wednesdays

Wednesdays are hard.

It's on Wednesdays that my mom, my sister and my cousin gather at my parent's house (my sister with her two little girls ages three and one and my cousin with her two month old son) to hang out. I can't be a part of this - I'm not a mother. (Nor can we afford for me to take a day off in the middle of the week - plus it's a 180 mile round trip.) I feel left out. Usually I'm too busy at work to imagine what they are doing - but it hurts.

I'm never invited to these gatherings. There's never been the "hey, I know you're usually working, but just this one time would you like to join us?" comment extended by any of the participating parties. In fact, if I do complain I'm made to feel like I'm a whiner. Anyway, Wednesdays suck.

That's just how I feel.

Someday I know I'm going to be a mother, but from where I'm sitting now I can't ever imagine wanting to hang out with the women who have basically ignored me this entire struggle. Yes, my mother, my sister, my closest cousin - they have very much ignored me. And I know why - they feel bad, they do - momentarily - but then they are so busy with their lives and their young families that they just can't stay trapped in the problems of someone else for very long. We all have to live our own lives.

I know there are worse things than infertility. But the idea of having to live a childless life just kills me. I'm not choosing to live this way. I'm doing everything I can to get us out of this.

Today I had a lot of ovulation pain and all of the other classic signs of ovulation, it's too bad my husband is on active duty down in Kansas. Last year I would have thrown a fit about this - him missing my fertile days, but after 6 failed IUIs I've learned patience.

It is what it is. He can't be here. Making myself upset would only be making myself upset and I need to gather calmness, equanimity and peace around me like a healing cloak, so that my body can be prepared to carry a child this autumn.

I want to believe I'm one Wednesday closer to being a mom . . . so that's what I'm going to do.

kicking off a new cycle (IVF #1)

I started to reschedule appointments for our first round of IVF today. Our last treatment cycle was in April when I was put on a 100 mg dose of Clomid days 3-7 of my cycle. It was during that cycle that things started to go really haywire with my body. My brain did not like Clomid at all. We're still not sure if I ovulated with the Ovidrel trigger, or if my body released a few eggs (I had three) and not all of them - and one hung around for ten days before releasing late - screwing my hormones up. Or if the cysts that ultimately developed were releasing hormones as well - which also subsequently screwed my hormones up.

I'm guessing a little of both.

I know some women have had success with clomid and can pop it like candy while their body chugs happily away developing eggs, but I am not one of them. Clomid completely messed me up and also made me angry, emotional and really, really depressed while I was on it.

Phew, I'm glad I'm off of it - and so is my husband. Keep that stuff away from me. On that flip side, Clomid is one of the cheapest fertility drugs out there and since our insurance doesn't cover anything involving assisted reproduction we are now moving up to platinum level fertility treatments.

This sucks, ladies!

So I've been waiting 60 days from my cycle to start to level out. I've been drinking detox tea and visiting my acupuncturist 2 days a week. Finally, I can tell my cycle is coming back on track, so I started to schedule appointments a month out.

I have my sonohysterogram scheduled for July 10th and if my hormones are on track after my day 3 labs we should be good to go with the protocol Dr. P. decides will work for me. My hopes are that we can have our transfer mid-to-late August. Our clinic doesn't run their IVF program the first two weeks of August. The positive side to this is that my RE and Embryologist will be fresh and relaxed from their summer vacations. 

I am certain I will be one hot hormonal mess . . . 

In the weeks leading up to our IVF I'm really being careful about what I eat and the suppliments I'm taking in preparation. 

So far I'm on:

• prenatal vitamins
• royal jelly
• brazil nuts
• avocados
• detox tea
• no caffine
• limiting my red meat consumption to 1 meal a week
• lots of fresh fruits and veggies
• pineapple according to where I'm at in my cycle
• no booze 
• wheat grass smoothies
• bi-weekly acupuncture
• daily yoga and meditation
• daily walks with my dog
• daily prayer and reflection

If anyone has any suggestions for further food choices or suppliments that have worked for them please let me know. 

Thanks for your support, I truly appreciate it!

Jillian

the hard road of infertility

Here we are: stuck in the rut of infertility.

Some days I am optimistic (the days that I'm not reminded about what I know I'm missing out on) and other days - other days are hard days to get through.

Where to start? First of all, if you are reading this post thank you for stopping by. I have been blogging for years (I have had a creative living blog since 2009) but the need for complete animosity to just spill my guts and be open to the pain of infertility has made me come here - to this new space - to talk about the pain and the joys of my life.

Here' our infertility timeline:

•  November 2009 - My first date with (soon to be) husband. After years of searching for that special someone we felt truly blessed to have found one another. My husband had just signed up for the National Guard, so the first few years we had to navigate his training schedule and our developing relationship. 

•  January 2012 - Our Wedding! One of our main priorities was a family, we knew we were going to start trying soon. I landed a new job, he landed a new job, we refinanced our house and then started trying for a family in the late Summer of 2012. 

•  Holidays 2012 - Still caught up in baby-making bliss . . . no worries at this point. 

• January 2013 - we both turn 34 this year . . . starting to get a bit worried about our fertility. My identical twin sister and her husband have announced they are pregnant with their second child. My cycles have always been on track and I feel that everything should be okay with me. 

• My husband finds out his unit is going to be deployed to Kuwait in April 2014.

• March 2013 - a high school friend of mine who struggled with infertility (PCOS - second child born after two clomid cycles) told me to get our butts to the doctor and not to wait any longer. On average most healthy couples will get pregnant after 5 months of trying, and if you're in your 30's and have been trying for over 6 months with no luck go and see a doctor.

• April 2013 - Our first visit with an OB/Gyn fertility specialist. At this point my husband confesses that he has had struggles with his bladder in the past. We discover after several appointments with an Urologist that he has a bladder neck issue. (Uncomfortable to live with, but this shouldn't be effecting our fertility.)

• My husband's sister announces she is pregnant.

• May 2013 - Full range of fertility tests on my husband and myself. My results are encouraging, nothing major seems to be wrong and I have a strong ovarian reserve. The results for my husband are more negative. We are looking at Male Factor Infertility - low sperm count (20 million) motility (50%) and morphology (2%). Our doctor suggests that if we want to get pregnant within the next year to go with injectable drugs for me and a sperm donor. We want a second opinion.

• June 2013 - I decided (after a bunch of reading) that we need to be seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist. We switch clinics to the U of MN Reproductive Medicine Center. Our doctor recommends IUI. 

• June 2013 - Failed IUI #1

• July 2013 - Failed IUI #2

• My husband finds out he's being transferred to a new unit - thank God - no deployment.

• July 2013 - We visit a Urologist who specializes in Male Factor Infertility and discover that my husband has mild/moderate varicose veins on his testicles. Suggested treatment: surgery to remove.

• September 2013 - Failed IUI #3

• My cousin announces she is pregnant. 

• October 2013 - We start looking into adoption.

• November 2013 - Varicocele Surgery for my husband - a tough week for him. We now have a 3 month freeze on any fertility treatments while we wait to see if the surgery will help with his numbers, etc.

• December 2013 - Our nephew is born. My husband's sister and brother-in-law are not sympathetic to our infertility and are very hurt that we are not celebrating with them as they think we should be. On top of the holidays this is a lot of stress and sorrow (for us) to take. 

• Holidays 2013 - Complete hell. Cousins pregnant on all sides - can't stand their pity and complete ignorance about infertility. We will later learn that another one of my cousins is pregnant at that time, but they don't want to say anything because we are there.

• February 2014 - Failed IUI #4

• Another nephew is born - I get my period that day.

• March 2014 - Failed IUI #5 - Donor sperm and 50mg dose of clomid on days 3 - 7. I felt that I ovulated early on this cycle. One huge egg, ready to burst on day 10. We were too late for the insemination. 

• April 2014 - Failed IUI #6 - Donor sperm and 100mg dose of clomid on days 3 -7. Three good-sized eggs (early again) insemination on day 12, all blood work good. My period was late this month, but all pregnancy tests negative. What in the heck is going on? After another appointment with blood work we discover that I didn't ovulate with the clomid, ovidrel trigger shot etc. I ovulated ten days after the day of the insemination. This is a strange reaction to clomid and ovidrel - they give you this schpeel that it's 99.9% proven that you will ovulate. Not me! Three huge cysts are found on my right ovary and now I'm out of the "game" until my cycle levels out. 

• May - June 2014 Acupuncture and Detox tea to bring my cycle back to normal. We are completing the steps to start IVF in August or early September. 

• September Egg Retrieval - only 4 eggs. 3 immature - none fertilized normally. Nothing to work with. 

• December 2014 - First visit at the NEDC in Tennessee. Approved to move forward with program.

• December 2014 - We put our domestic adoption on hold.

• January 2015 birthday number 36.

• February 2015 - we adopt our embryos - five beautiful blasts. 

• March 2015 - FET in Tennessee.  God is good!

•  Healthy baby boy born November 2015.

• Summer/Fall 2016 start the embryo adoption process again/adopt more embryos 

• November 2016 FET# in Tennessee. Successful!
•  
• Baby girl due late July 2017

We have been blessed with hope and a family.

Prayers to you all struggling to walk down this path. Please pray for us too!

XOXO

Jillian