baby steps

Ever since we were diagnosed with infertility our life has seemed to progress by inches. Other couples have seemed to fly by us hitting milestone after milestone. The biggest of these being parenthood.

It hasn't been easy. In so many ways it seems like we're still kids to our parents and siblings because we don't have children of our own. There's a certain mark of respect - it feels like to me - that parents get from other parents just because they are parents.

It feels like you're not fully a grown up until you have your own little person to boss around.

Our journey on the path to our family has been brutal. There have been days - no weeks - that I have been so down in the dumps that I would sit in the bathroom and cry at work and then pull myself together and then drag myself back to my desk. I have had to endure the pregnancies of sisters and sister-in-laws and smile and hope with them while my own hope was broken.

It's just been . . . hard. Brutal.

But I'm proud that my husband and I didn't give up. We fought, we cried, we prayed and we healed. Embryo adoption has given us a new hope. Step by step we have jumped through the hoops required by the agencies and doctors involved and we are finally so close to our March transfer that I can almost feel the burn of my first Lupron shot.

I can't wait to stick myself.

We are expecting to receive some embryo matches from donor families by the end of the week. I hope they get here so that we can review them over the weekend.

More baby steps.

I pray one day we get to stop inching forward and fly forward into the future with a baby in our arms. I just want to watch my baby take his or her first step one day.

That's my dream.

Sending Love:

Jillian

anniversary # 3 - waffles and wine

Well, anniversary number three has come and gone.

(It was kinda anti-climatic - can you believe that?)

I bet you can.

We actually had our interview with the social worker from the National Fertility Support Center on the night of our anniversary. We were in such a hurry about dinner, because we did a call-in at 6 pm, that I made us waffles.

I also had a glass of wine.

So, all of our paperwork has been turned into the National Fertility Support Center and our social worker said that she would submit the proper paperwork to the National Embryo Donation Center on Friday.

That's tomorrow!

Then we can start being matched. 

I got my period on Tuesday, so now I only have one more cycle to go before I start birth control pills and my drug protocol in February.

We could be pregnant in March, ya'all!

Woot! Woot!

Feeling good.

Jillian

new year

Hello everyone:

Today I sent in the all of our paperwork to have our home study reviewed by the National Fertility Support Center. Our anniversary is just around the corner - next Wednesday to be exact - and a hot copy of our home study will be in the hands of the NFSC staff for their review and approval.

Ever since our failed IVF back in early September, I have been counting down the days to our 3rd Anniversary. In a way the days seemed to drag, but they also seemed to fly by. The holidays are over and I do not mourn their passing, they were darn hard to live through this year.

My husband asked me what I wanted for our Anniversary and I said I didn't want anything. I just wanted the day to finally get here.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping to stock up on all of the vitamins, supplements and healthy ingredients that I will be needing for our upcoming frozen embryo transfer in March. I've already cut out coffee.

For our first (and last) IVF cycle last summer I pumped up and avocados, whole grains, fresh fruits and water. I suspect I will try a combination of all of those things this time around. I will be starting up acupuncture again at the end of January and I will be doing an herbal cleanse during my upcoming period.

I'm considering doing an endometrial biopsy scraping the cycle before our transfer in March.
Does anyone have any feedback that they could provide me on that? Do you think it works, doesn't work? I would value some feedback.

Plus any other advice that anyone can give me on supplements or foods to load up on in the months leading up to our FET transfer.

Sending love and hope:

Jillian

circle of friends

Today I went out with my girlfriends to lunch to celebrate the birthday of one of my closest friends. It was a bittersweet event because this friend - who I also work with - is going to be leaving her job shortly. My friend is really sweet, and, as a person who was adopted, has been very supportive of my husband and I as we walk this adoption path.

I'm really going to miss her.

Infertility has made me stop and consider all of my relationships. The relationships that I thought would be the most supportive have turned out to be the least supportive and miracle friends have come up out the shadows to carry me through some of the most difficult days of my life.

I am just so grateful. 

Last night I had an appointment with my counselor and for a moment at the end of my session we were talking about how infertility has changed my life. I told her that in many ways I'm grateful for the way that infertility has "woken me up" to real life. I've realized how important strong relationships are - and that they take work and nurturing. My marriage has become stronger and my relationship with my husband has greater depth. I'm trying very hard to learn not to take things so personally. Infertility has made me vulnerable in so many ways - I do wish that some of the women in my life who can't or won't recognize my struggle would reach out to me - but that hasn't happened. Now it's my choice to decide how to manage those relationships. It's all about boundaries, baby.

This struggle with some of my closest relationships makes me sad - and it makes the holidays hard - that's why I'm so grateful for friends that care for me. Being a good friend requires me to set down my burdens and gripes of the moment and support others in my circle with their stuff. Sometimes it's good to take a break from myself and wish others well. To sing happy birthday. To be a friend.

Infertility can make a person very self absorbed. It's exhausting.

My husband is always telling me to just relax now. We have a plan in place and the rest is up to God. I know that's true, I just worry. Today I stopped worrying so much and I had a little fun. In the years ahead I want to be a good mom and I want to be a good friend.

I pray I can be both.

Jill

(Image above: Heavy Words art print.)

good to go

2,000 miles in four days. From Minneapolis, Minnesota to Knoxville, Tennessee. We were blessed with clear roads and no car trouble.

And a clean bill of health and a thumbs up from Dr. K to start moving forward with our embryo adoptions and transfer in March 2015.

We feel so blessed right now. I'm tired with a bit of a stiff neck from driving all day, but I know that we are so very blessed to be getting the opportunity to pursue embryo adoption. Dr. K said that my lining and body responded well to the mock cycle protocol so now all that's left for me is to finish up my medication for this cycle month and then prepare myself physically. mentally and spiritually for this our upcoming cycle in March.

I'm sure that the time will fly by as we are matched with donor families and as we prepare for my husband's possible deployment. It will be a whirlwind as we try to prepare our home and families, file taxes, complete our home study renewal and just survive the rest of the holidays and New Year.

I feel kinda guilty because my Christmas will be in March this year - that's pretty much my mindset.

And in other news: CONGRATULATIONS to all you ladies with positive beta results. So happy, happy, happy for you all.

Blurg. Dirty laundry and the rest of the work week awaits . . . time to dig into it.

XOXO

Jill

road trip!

We dropped the dog off at the sitter and we've started to pack up for our road trip to Tennessee and the National Embryo Donation Center. I'm just happy we made it through Thanksgiving and the months of September, October and November. Now we have to make it through December, Christmas and the months of January and February before we can start trying at making a family again.

It's kinda sad that I can run down this list on months and holidays and have this sort of attitude about time, but this is how I'm framing my thoughts right now.

We also found out a few weeks ago that my husband might be getting deployed in March 2015. He came home and said: "Honey, I have some hard news."

I said: "Great. Your sister's pregnant again."

He said: "Nope. I've been put on alert for a deployment."

We'll find out more on that at his upcoming drill in December. For now we're taking it day by day and month by month at a time. I'm just grateful to have him with me now. We're not planning on altering our adoption plans in any way. As far as we're concerned he'll have his mission in March and I'll have mine - our mission - really. But I'll be doing it all alone.

It's gonna be hard if I have to go through multiple transfers alone, but I will do it.

So . . . lots of thoughts are jumbled around in my head this Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Things seem to be going wrong, then a little right, then we get thrown for a loop again, then we get back on course, then the wind gets knocked out of us - but we are still staying strong together.

I'm very thankful for all of my blessings this Thanksgiving. Even struggles can be blessings.

Sending love and hope to you all.

Jillian

the weekend

I started my estrace last week. So far I feel fine. I may start feeling something when I up my dose to three pills a day - that starts on Monday.

I'm looking forward to the three-day work week next week. We'll leave for Tennessee the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Our appointment with Dr. K is on December 1. I can't believe almost three months have passed since our failed IVF. I hope the next three months pass just as fast.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'll let you know how our appointment goes with Dr. K. We will feel truly blessed to get the all clear to proceed with embryo adoption. I can't think of why he wouldn't say everything is okay for us to move forward, but at this point I don't take anything for granted.

Praying for all of you who had transfers this week. Can't wait to hear your pregnancy announcements.

Sending love:

Jill