I've been knitting baby sweaters for a while now. Before I realized that I would be struggling with infertility it was always a joy for me to knit a baby sweater for my sister, cousin or friend that was pregnant. I've cast a tidy number off my knitting needles these past five years. I'm showing twelve here, but the real number is probably around twenty.
I've thought a lot about infertility - specifically about what makes is so painful. (Haven't we all, right?) I finally articulated something in my mind today that I wanted to write down - just to get it out there.
When I was knitting these baby sweaters for the women in my life I was taking part in the society of women in my world. I don't think you can recognize that code and conduct of a society or social group until you are for some reason on the outside of it - as I am now. When I was knitting these sweaters I was filled with hope and excitement - in part because I like to make something pretty and useful - but also because I was riding on the hope and confidence that someday it would be my turn - to receive a baby sweater for my child. Soon it would be my turn to have other women be hopeful and excited for me.
That hasn't happened.
Most of the important women in my life, my mom, mother-in-law, sister, sisters-in-law, cousins and female relatives and friends know that my husband and I are struggling with infertility. They are - so far - all fertile. I have knit something for every one of them that has had a child.
Everyone - except my sister and closest cousin - have remained silent about my struggle with infertility. Some people think that commenting on our ongoing quest to adopt is a way of broaching that topic - and even though an adopted child would be great - that's not acknowledging the pain I've experienced with our infertility.
This sucks for me.
I feel very cheated and let down that the society of women in my world is so brittle and weak that it's not robust enough to also contain my infertility. How hard can if be to acknowledge my struggle on a private and sincere level? It should be something that we teach our daughters. This is important and painful to some people and it needs to be acknowledged. Who can teach them this?
Me? At this point all the women in my life pity me and think I'm a crazy B-I-T-C-H.
I don't expect acknowledgement from everyone - that would be too much. But from someone? Anyone?
Today I found out at work that one of my cousins and his wife had their third child. They named their son the same name as my husband. They excluded us from their email announcement about the birth of their son.
I was (and am) devastated. (Though that is fading fast.) I knit their first child a baby sweater by the way - the purple and blue striped one.
This whole infertility thing could make me into a really bitter person - if I let it. I'm really trying not to let it. I may stop knitting baby sweaters for other women though.
You are SO TALENTED!!!! I wish I had the talent of knitting beautiful sweaters like you have.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you have to deal with infertility. It is the most painful and miserable thing to want to be a mother so badly yet, seem so impossible. I too went through the bitter phase but luckily was able to pull myself out of it. I think the key point for me was to talk about it, cry about it when I needed to (if that be to myself, my husband, my family or a few of my close friends). Not everyone understands but if you let them inside this painful journey I hope that they will be there for you.
I have been lucky to have had the most amazing support system. I have 3 sisters who have all wanted to be a surrogate. My older sister is unable to now but would have a few years ago, my youngest has the WORST pregnancies ever so I told her she wasn't allowed to as I would feel terrible but my sister just 3 years younger than me was planning on carrying our baby this Fall if it came down to it.
While the majority of my family and friends have been so supportive there have been MANY who haven't as well. I've gotten it all. Rude comments, silent treatment, the pity looks and no invitation to baby things. But that's okay. They don't get it and honestly in my mind if they don't get it or understand by now. I really don't need those people in my life.
I want to wish you so much Luck in your upcoming IVF and am looking forward to reading all about it. I hope you get your very Happy Ending!!! You deserve it.
Thank you, Denise. I hope you get your very very well deserved happy ending too. Thank you.
DeleteThe silence is brutal, isn't it? I did not tell anyone except for my twin sister who was unfortunately going through IVF herself for all 3 of my cycles. I really don't know what I would have done without her. After I had my miracle baby, I emerged from my quiet and tell anyone and everyone about my struggles so I can hopefully help anyone else who is out there silently struggling. I really don't think anyone can truly understand unless they have struggled through it. What I will tell you is that one day you will be out of this hell. Somehow, someday you will be on the other side of this struggle and your heart will be even more full than you imagined, your gratitude will be immense and your capacity for joy will be that much bigger because of your struggle.
ReplyDeleteFinally- know that we are all here for you and understand your struggles.
Thank you so much. This makes me feel a lot better. I pray I can get to the other side of this and not always regret that we can't have children. Thank you for your kind and wise words.
DeleteWow! Those sweaters, beanies, and baby booties are the cutest thing ever! What a beautiful talent you have! I pray that soon you will be on the receiving end of adorable baby gifts.
ReplyDeleteDear Jill,
ReplyDeleteI've just discovered your blog and I really relate to what you said. Over the course of TTC and IVF, I've come to realize that I have spent a long time as the glue in my group and the last single girl (in the context of having children). Many new mums just aren't, and maybe can't be, the most generous of people, or friends. Sometimes that extends to being insensitive about what I'm going through or looking away when they don't know what to say, while I still find myself on the giving end of things.
I also think it's my fault in that my group of friends, I've realized, isn't very diverse. And so having not cultivated a wider and more differentiated group of friends, many of them care about the same things and gravitate toward the same issues. It makes me feel less normal than I am.
A couple of weeks ago, I arranged to prepare and bake cookies for and with my goddaughter (one of the few children I see super often- we talk and laugh and having a child to love fills a warm and soft space in my otherwise often bitter heart) for a school project. Her mother suddenly said another friend with a similar school-going child, wanted to join and a third friend self-invited herself and her young child to come and "mess". None of these friends, ever called me during an IVF cycle, or sought to understand what I was going through. None of them were there for me when I needed them. I knew that if I weren't providing food, space and kid entertainment, none of them would necessarily choose to be there. I said no, which usually, I never do!
I have another friend who is struggling with fertility and she volunteer-teaches Sunday School with extra kid's camps for 30 over children, whose parents deposit them there for days on end. I've told her that's amazing, but sometimes you also have to protect yourself, you have to protect your peace of emotion and your heart. Even if you have talent, you don't have to make baby gifts. Even if we are social, we have to balance that with finding a wider group of friends who care for us as a person and not a context, which is so much easier said than done.
I loved your writing style, what you said about a society robust enough to contain our situation and an acknowledgement that is private and sincere, really struck a chord and inspired me. I'm going to keep reading and I am pulling for you, today, tomorrow and in the years that we may be chasing this fight.
Warmly,
Weylin
www.wishingawayinfertility.blogspot.com
Thank you for your comment, Weylin. You are very right about cultivating more diverse friends . . . I find that I'd doing that now that we're struggling with infertility. It's something I should have done a long time ago. I can't wait to visit your blog. THANK YOU!
DeleteI love this post. You're so right. It's like everyone tries to slowly back away because they don't know what to say. Just asking or lending an ear can mean a lot. It's so isolating. Your sweaters are beautiful and I hope you'll be able to make one for your own baby soon.
ReplyDelete