waiting for auntie

Waiting for AF today . . . or hints that she's on her way . . . tomorrow really is more likely. I'm only on cycle day 27, but usually I start spotting and cramping at around this time. Could be that the acupuncture I've been pursuing on a weekly basis is finally bringing my hormones back in line and I'll start my period with none of the familiar spotting that I've been used to in recent years.

I just want to get to cycle day one!

Looking back now I wish I had never done that clomid cycle in May - it really messed me up and now we're still waiting to start . . . waiting to start everything! I've been pretty patient, because I feel that it was my choice to do the last cycle and therefore my fault for the resulting cysts and hormonal f**k up. But now, please body, please please come back to center.

My husband is home from his training and we've spent the weekend in bed. (I wish we could pull up that kind of enthusiasm in the middle of my cycle instead of at the end - but it is nice to snuggle and cuddle with my husband when we're not trying to make a baby.) Less stress, more bonding.

We'll need that for the days ahead. Yesterday we walked to a coffee shop and sat for hours talking about our next steps and our families. We've had struggles with both sides during these 2 infertile years that we've been through together.

We are basically at the point where we rarely see his side of the family, because of some pretty brutal and inconsiderate comments made by his mom and sister, as well as some brutal gossiping done by his mother to the entire family regarding our infertility treatments.

Boy, people are so clueless and self-righteous when they haven't had to struggle with infertility. So full of condescending advice. My husband and I really struggled this past fall with infertility and his mother took that as a sign to attack our marriage and our faith and whether or not we were good enough people to even raise children.

That pissed me off.

She had the nerve to tell me that children are not the most important thing. She even boldly claims that she could have lived without children, though I don't know what she would be doing with her time if she couldn't interfere and gossip about the lives of her four children. My mother-in-law (MILly) is a work of pure art. She truly thinks we should be treating our infertility with herbs and prayer.

To each their own. If you are reading this blog and that is your treatment choice and you are at peace with that, I respect your right to make that choice and wish you all the best of luck. I know babies are a gift from God, so are advanced medical treatments. My husband and I are going to need them in order to conceive.

We just need to get to cycle day one - with steady day three labs.

We have some family events that are coming up on my husband's side and I'm carefully preparing myself and my husband. We are trying to create a support system of communication and awareness so that we can survive these stressful encounters. My husband is so used to his mother's manipulative ways that they don't annoy him like they do me.

One of the most important things in my life now is becoming a mother, I just keep telling myself to ignore any background noise that will cause me stress and to listen to my heart and be guided by my faith.