compression + christmas stockings

Wow - I've been away from the blog for awhile!

I have been learning the ways of my baby. It's been like baby boot camp, but in a really good way.

So I never did post our birth story. It's already been four weeks since Logan has been here. I guess I will post what I can remember here, just so I have it written down somewhere. We had a really grueling birth experience.

November 21 - 9 PM (39 weeks)

I went to the bathroom and noticed a chunk of pinkish gunk after I peed. I was pretty sure that it was my mucous plug and I started to get excited.

November 22 - 12 AM

I went to bed wondering when labor would start and was woken up at around midnight by mild contractions. I could hardly sleep I was so excited. I got up at 3:00 am and took a shower and blow dried my hair. (Because don't you know I wanted my hair to look great on the day that my baby was born.)

At around noon I was still having contractions, they seemed to be getting closer together. At this point was I just excited. I cleaned the house, made dinner and watched the football game with my husband. The contractions started to get strong and closer together. When they were 1 minute long and five minutes a part for 1 hour we grabbed our bags and headed into the birth center. (Luckily it was only 8 minutes away from our house.)

Hospital Visit #1 - 6:30 PM

When we got to the hospital and they checked me out we were told I was fully effaced, but less then 1/2 cm dilated. Home we go. 

November 23 

Hospital Visit #2  - 1:00 AM

I felt that my contractions were getting stronger and and more painful, we went back to the hospital again. Still dilated only 1/2 cm. Home again.

Hospital Visit #3 - 7:00 PM  

At this point I had been in labor all day and had not slept since the night of November 21. They checked me and found out that I'm only dilated to 1-1/2 cm. I'm feeling pretty defeated and desperate. They keep telling us don't come back until you are having contractions that are 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long for 1 hour. That's exactly what's happening to me, but my cervix is not cooperating. At this visit they give me a small dose of morphine and a bed to allow me to get some sleep. I do get some sleep. (3 hours) And I manage to eat something. 

We get sent home again. 

At this point my husband and I have tried everything. We have walked around and around the block. We have done all of the suggestions in Ina May Gaskin's natural labor book to encourage labor. (wink wink) My husband turned up the water heater so that I could have continuous hot water and I basically sat in the bathtub for hours breathing through contractions. This entire time I was having contractions that were 5-1-1 - sometimes my contractions seemed to be 10 minutes long. The baby would squirm around after each contraction - causing me more and more pain. 

The doctor told me later on that I had an irritable uterus.  OMG - It hurt sooooo bad!

Hospital Visit #4 - 3:00 AM - November 24

At this point I was exhausted. I couldn't even walk to the car. I couldn't even talk when we were resubmitted to the labor and delivery ward - I did say one thing actually, I said:

I'm not leaving. 

They checked me and I was 3 cm dialated. We were admitted. So by this point I had been experiencing contractions for around 48 hours. I was exhausted. The contractions combined with my irratable uterus - plus lack of sleep - made the pain so hard to tolerate I finally asked for an epidural at around 9 am on that day.

Blessed relief. 

We held off on the pitocin until it was pretty obvious that I was still not making any progress. They they started me up on the lowest amount and I started to dilate. I made it to 5 - 1/2 cm by 6 pm. Not good enough. 

My uterus was getting tired. 

The doctor came in at 6:30 and said that she didn't think I was going to make any more progress that my uterus was exhausted and that it was time to consider a c-section. I was no where near emotionally prepared to deal with that. After talking it through (by this point my epidural had basically stopped working) we decided to do the c-section. 

I was a mess - shaking and crying. 

The c-section went great though. Baby Logan was born at 8:27 pm.  Birth weight - 7lbs - 1/2 oz. 

He was sunny side up. The doctor told me that seeing how he was situated inside of me she didn't think I would have been able to push him out, even if we had tried to give my body more time.

The one thing that was a real blessing during my entire labor was that Logan was never in distress. If we would have had to worry about that it would have been much more scary. 

In recovery Logan latched onto my breast like a champ and he's been breastfeeding and putting on weight - another really great blessing. 

My recovery from the c-section has been okay. The only hold up has been that I need to stop doing so much so that I don't strain myself and cause myself pain. Three days after the c-section I discovered that I had a blood clot. 

Blood clot in leg - ER visit - November 29 2:00 PM

Pain in right leg behind knee. Swelling in right foot that won't go away. Diagnosed with DVT - deep vein thrombrosis. Put on Lovonox injections. 

December 23, 2015

The blood clot set in motion a whole mess of appointments and tests. Today I am finally off the Lovonox and on Coumodin for the next 3-6 months until we have confirmation that the blood clot is gone. 

Oi! Crazy times - yet I feel so so blessed.

Logan is squirming on the sofa next to me - my husband is crashed out in the bedroom because we had a long night nursing him - he's cluster feeding - probably going through a growth spurt. It's amazing how a lot of things can go wrong, but when the right things also happen, it's easy to manage. Not easy . . . but I think many of you know what I mean. I got a baby and a blood clot. Everything is going to be okay.

It's something I'll have to manage the rest of my life, but bring it on.

Sorry for the super long post. One thing I want everyone to know are the signs of a blood clot. I didn't realize how big of a deal they are, but if they travel to your lungs or your heart that's dangerous. Pregnancy and fertility drugs put women more at risk for a blood clot. Birth control pills and smoking are a major no no.

We also discovered that I'm a carrier of factor v leiden heterozygous, which put me at a higher risk to begin with.

So, bring on the christmas stockings and the compression socks this holiday season, as long as I have my family around me and the good Lord's blessings I am so very blessed.

Merry merry Chirstmas everyone!

xo Jill

he's here

first day photos

Logan Lee - Born November 24 - 7lbs and 1/2 ounce - 21-1/2 inches long

He's here! Sorry for the delay on posting, but I had to have an unplanned c-section after 59 hours of labor, so it's taken me awhile to catch up.

Baby and mama are doing great!

I will post my labor story in the days to follow. For now my hours are filled with taking care of this little guy with my husband, resting, and settling in to maternity leave. We've had a moderate amount of guests. They have all come with food and good cheer, so it's been great.

This experience has completely transformed me. I am so deeply grateful to God and our donors. He is beautiful. I look at him and I can't believe that I get to be his mom. I am so so lucky.

God is good.

Sending hope and prayers to all of you on this journey.

xo Jill

36 weeks

 (T-minus 3 weeks 3 days and counting until due date. )

Isn't it funny how in the beginning we're all like I'm 4 weeks 4 days and 3 hours pregnant - now I'm like - It's this many nanoseconds until my due date :)

This week has been crazy at work. I've been putting in 9-10 hour days and then just coming home and crashing in the evening. Luckily, that schedule is done as of this past Friday. I told my manager and team that I'm going to start to slow down. I have two more full weeks scheduled and then I'm taking PTO for most of the days of Thanksgiving week.

I'm feeling pretty awkward and tired, but still really positive and grateful for all of these emotions. Every time I see my big belly in the mirror I'm just blown away. Wow this is you! Wow you're going to get to be a mom! Wow! You got to adopt an embryo from a wonderful family, take a bunch of tests, take a bunch of hormones, get shots in the butt twice a day for months, travel across the country, thaw out your little baby, get him put in your uterus, prayed and prayed and prayed and - IT WORKED! We're going to have a son in somewhere around three weeks. 

It's amazing, but sometimes I catch myself taking for granted that I'm pregnant and then I have to remind myself of all the miracles that just fell in line this past year for my husband and I to get to experience this. It's stunning.

I'm now going to weekly check-ups with my OB. This past Tuesday she said my cervix was soft and I was about 30-40% effaced. My body could sit like this for weeks, so I didn't get too excited.

Baby boy is really stretched out in my body. I can feel him kicking up by my ribs and feel his head rubbing down low against my bladder. This lower area has been feeling more tender these past few days. Maybe he's settling down for his final descent in the next few weeks? Hope so. He can't stay up there forever.

I had a baby shower with my side of the family a few weeks ago, but didn't post anything because my sister took all of the pictures and she hasn't gotten them to me yet. For those of you that have been following me from the beginning you know that I've had problems with both my in-laws and my own family during this process.

Counseling, a lot of souls searching and reading has helped me set more healthy boundaries with my in-laws, so we're doing pretty good, but I'm still struggling with my twin sister. Some people were asking about our labor approach at this last shower and I said that hubby and I had taken a class and felt ready to face the big day together. I said that I was going to try to doing things without drugs and proceed from there.

My sister was instantly on top of me saying: "You need someone there." (She's a nurse.) I said thanks, but that I thought hubby and I could handle it. That seemed to be the end of the it. I called her a few days after the shower to thank her for all her hard work and tell her how much I appreciated it. She was distant and I could tell something was up, finally she launched into how I didn't know anything about medicine and how labor was going to be extremely painful.

Long story short, my sister said some very cruel things to me during my infertility struggles (i.e. like you're never going to have a baby - again and again.) Even though we're identical twins and she had just been pregnant within the same year - hello! my body had just as much of a chance as hers did to conceive . . .so husband and I decided we didn't want a person like her in the room with us when we meet baby boy for the first time.

We went back and forth on the phone and then she hung up on me and now we haven't spoken for two weeks.

This just makes me feel really, really sad.

My sister has a lot of issues, but she won't talk to anyone, won't read anything and basically won't discuss how her attitudes are destroying our relationship. I wish we had a healthier relationship and I'm willing to meet her halfway, but she won't budge an inch.

I'm really hoping we see some sort of traction before baby boy arrives. I really treasure the visits I made to my sister when she had her baby girls - it was at the start of our infertility struggle and I was always nothing but happy for her.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Prayers to you on your journey!

xo Jill

shower time

That's me holding a cupcake at my baby shower.

Weeks 32 - 33 have flown by and I have moments of sadness because my pregnancy will soon be over and joy - also because my pregnancy will soon be over.

I had my 34 week appointment today and everything seems to be going really well. Baby is measuring on track, baby's heartbeat is good. All my tests are within the normal range. We have been very blessed with this uneventful pregnancy.

My husband and I are going to tour the birth center of the hospital where we plan to deliver next week. Other than organizing the nursery and washing the pile of baby clothes I've received, nothing is really outstanding on our to-do list.

Sending hope and prayers to everyone on this journey.

xo Jill

32 weeks

I had my 32 appointment today. It went good. The doctor checked the baby's position and verified what I've suspected for the last few weeks - the baby is head down.

I've been feeling lots of hiccups down low and I thought that I could also feel his head grinding into my bladder. Turns out I was right.

We're starting to pull together the nursery. My husband's cousin was very generous and sold us their nursery furniture for a very low price, and my husband's parents gave us a gliding rocker that they had in their basement and rarely used. We plan of putting a fresh coat of paint on the baby's room this weekend. I'm also hoping my husband will but the crib together this Saturday while I'm at my first baby shower.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Sending love!

Jill

28 weeks - reflections

A year ago today I had my egg retrieval for our failed IVF. I brought it up to my husband this morning and he asked me why I wanted to remember the bad things. I told him that I guess I was reflecting on how far we've come from where we've been.

Last September I was heartbroken and defeated. I knew that we wouldn't be going for another round of IVF. It's not that it was financially out of our reach, we could have sacrificed and saved to have another try, but I just knew that my soul, heart and body were tapped out. I was concerned with what all of the fertility drugs were doing to my body in the long run and I had this feeling in my gut that we could force it again and still not get the embryos we needed to transfer into my uterus to hopefully conceive a child.

After I cried and cried ...............and cried some more, I picked myself up and started to research other other options. I knew embryo adoption was an option, and we already had a current home study, so why not look into that?

It turned out to be our saving grace. Today I'm 28 weeks 1 day pregnant with our adopted son. It's a miracle what a difference a year makes. I had my 28 week appointment yesterday and passed my glucose test. I also had an ultrasound that checked our son's growth. The computer calculated him to be around 2 lbs 12 ounces. Wow!

We had to fight hard to get here. There were lots and lots of hoops to jump through. We drove thousands of miles (spent thousands of dollars) but the mileage and the cash seem like such easy things when I hear my baby's heartbeat and see him moving around on the ultra sound screen.

So - what a difference 365 days can make in the life of our growing little family. It can strengthen a marriage that was stretched thin and fill it with hope and strength and faith. It can ease the strain of isolation on an extended family due to the sorrow and misunderstandings of infertility.

I can't believe I'm sitting here - pregnant. Not when I think about what our odds were. Not when I think about how one family across the country would have to be so generous as to allow us to adopt their embryos and trust us to raise a little one that is so precious to them as well.

But it happened.

We have been blessed by God. So very blessed.

praying for everyone on this hard road,

xo Jill

27 weeks

27 weeks!! The time has just flown by since our anatomy scan. My baby bump is getting bigger every day and the little guy is getting pretty assertive with his kicks. The baby frequently has the hiccups - that's a funny thing to experience: Your baby hiccuping inside of you.

I am so blessed to get to feel that.

We created our gift registry this weekend. It's really wonderful that we can expect to get some of the things that we need at the baby showers my family has planned for me in the upcoming two months. I never thought I'd get to be the pregnant woman walking around the big box store with a beeper. Beeping diapers and bottles. Checking out the strollers and car seats. Having an opinion on such things.

Surreal!!

xo Jill

it's a boy!

We had our anatomy scan - I am 21 weeks pregnant - today. We found out that we are having a baby boy, and even more importantly, everything looks normal and healthy. I think I was holding my breath through the entire scan, just waiting to make sure that everything was okay.

I was trying to "read" the ultrasound tech and all of the cues that I was getting from her body language indicated that she was comfortable and excited about what she was seeing. She kept calling our little guy a "peanut" and tried to coax him to roll over onto his back, because he wanted to lay on his side and cover his face during the scan.

My husband held my hand the whole time. His entire body was radiating with a smile. I think I might have been that way too, but my eyes were also fixed on the screen. Now I wish I could go back and relive the scan totally stress free and excited, but I guess there's no moving backwards here - only forward.

I can't wait to share this news with our donor family, I know they will be just a relieved as we are to hear that our baby is healthy and thriving. I just feel so blessed. I keep reminding myself how lucky we are. We are so so lucky.

I kept thinking how technology has grown in the past 10-20 years and how hard it would have been even 10 years ago to be an infertile couple waiting to adopt . . . there are so many more options today. I get to be pregnant. I get to carry our child. I am stunned with gratitude. I would have never gotten the chance to experience this.

I. am. so. damn. grateful.

Praying for all of you on this path. That you find joy and hope. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

xo Jill

20 weeks - nesting

Nesting has started to kick in. My husband has been away for some training so I've had the last ten days to myself. I've been knitting, cleaning and preserving veggies from our garden for this winter when the baby arrives.

The images above are items that I want to knit for the baby. I've already completed the sweater, but I have to find the right yarn to knit the lamb and the socks. 

Pregnancy symptoms:

• Baby is kicking and wriggling around. This feels awesome. I love the quiet times at night when baby starts moving and I can just lay there and feel him/her. 
• My belly is itchy - because it's expanding!
• heartBURN -- I had it all day today. Major yuck.
• Sleep disruption - I can't seem to sleep for more than two hours straight without waking up because I have to pee or waking up because I'm uncomfortable. 
• Happy GLOW - I'm just happy that we have our baby in our life! Every so often I come across the story of someone who couldn't have a child and I pause and let the miracle of what has happened to my husband and I wash over me. We have been so blessed. I am so thankful for our donors. 

Things I'm doing:

• Taking prenatal vitamins and fish oil supplements. 
• Eating tons of fresh veggies from the garden.
• Walking daily to work and with the dog when I get home. 
• Preparing for birth by researching natural birthing methods - also researching birth stories so that I'm prepared for what ever may come. 
• Yoga! (I'm also teaching yoga at my office)
• Praying daily and expressing my gratitude for all the gifts in my life. 
• Rubbing organic sweet almond oil on my growing belly
• Loving on my husband
• Knitting hats and sweaters for the baby. 

Our anatomy scan is next week. I'm trying not to think about that too much so that I don't stress. I'm praying that the scan is uneventful and joyful. That we learn the sex of our child and that I am carrying a child that is developing healthily. What a miracle it will be to get past that milestone.

Praying for all of you walking the path of infertility, may we be blessed with the joy that is waiting for us all.

xo
Jill

17 weeks - little flutters?

I had an OB appointment this week and got to hear the baby's heartbeat. The doctor said that everything is looking normal. My next appointment is scheduled for the third week in July - that's when we'll have our anatomy scan ultrasound.

I've been feeling pretty good this week. I only threw up twice, which is a new record and that was on Monday and Tuesday so maybe I'm leaving those pregnancy symptoms behind me.

I had a big bowl of ice cream before bed on Tuesday night and I thought I felt some little flutters when I was drifting off to sleep. I've felt a few bumps and bubbles since then. When the doctor was listening to the heartbeat with her doppler she said that she could also hear the baby moving around a lot, but I couldn't feel it.

Hopefully I will start feeling more and more bumps and bubbles in the upcoming weeks.

xo Jill

16 weeks

Here I am 16 weeks pregnant and I still can't believe that I'm sitting here with a rounded belly protruding in front of my keyboard.

So far my pregnancy has been uneventful and smooth and I'm very grateful for that. I'm still experiencing nausea and some fatigue, but it's nowhere near where it was during my first trimester. It's nice to be off of the PIO shots. Now I know that it's really my body responding to the hormones of my pregnancy.

I'm wearing maternity bottoms, but still fit into some of my cotton tops. I've gradually begun to wear both a maternity tops and bottoms to work. I'm trying to adjust my wardrobe slowly, because I haven't announced to anyone (except HR) that I'm expecting.

You would think after all the years of trying I would have banner made and hung above my desk, but surprisingly enough it has been nice to just keep my news to myself. People will know soon enough once my belly really starts to pop out.

Nights are when I really feel pregnant. Sometimes I get up as many as three times to pee, and my breasts get really sensitive when I go to bed. I don't mind it. This feeling of really being pregnant is very comforting. I love it that my belly is starting to grow.

My next appointment is in a week. Just a regular OB check up. We have our anatomy scan scheduled for the 3rd week of July. (Grow baby grow!)

Thank you for your support and prayers. Sending prayers to you on your journey.

xo Jill

second trimester

I can't believe that I tiptoed into my second trimester today. I feel so very blessed. I had my first appointment with a regular OB last week, which included another ultrasound. Baby looked great. I was so relieved to see our little one bopping around on the screen.

My brother and his wife had their first baby yesterday. If we weren't pregnant I would have spent large chunks of my day crying in the bathroom at work. That didn't happen, but another sad side effect of infertility did occur: a majority of my family avoided talking to me today.

Not everyone knows that we're expecting and moving away from the black hole of infertility, so they still steer clear of any type of awkward situation that mentions babies and my husband and I.

My brother sent me an email with some great photos late this afternoon and I wished them joy and then shared our good news. I hesitated before I said something, but I was hoping that our good news would make him pity us less. It did the trick. I'm sure they are back in their own family bubble at this point and have forgotten our news as they care for another tiny human being- as is probably very, very common with all first time parents.

I can't wait to be there myself.

We've pretty much told everyone that we wanted to tell about our pregnancy and adoption at this point. The rest of my extended family will only hear that we are pregnant, but not the intimate details. We plan on being open with our child about their very special beginnings and have shared with all our immediate family.

I may share more later, but for now I feel at peace with everyone we've told.

Wishing all of you strength and endurance on this journey.

Jill xoxo

9 week ultrasound

We had our 9 week ultra sound late last week and everything was looking good. The doctor said the baby was sucking her thumb. I didn't know you could see something like that this early. The baby's heart rate was 168 - possibly a little girl?

We feel so blessed to be getting to experience this. I graduate to a regular OB in a few weeks and I'm starting to tapper off my meds. I'm still feel nauseous and threw up a few times at work last week, but this weekend I have been able to keep food in my stomach and I've been feeling good.

Only two more weeks and I'll be in my second trimester. Grow baby grow!

Jill xox

7 week ultrasound

We had our first ultra sound last week. We saw one healthy and on track baby with a flickering heartbeat. My eyes were fixed on that flashing beacon as the doctor made his measurements and did the exam.

We are just so thankful!

Emotionally I am feeling good. Sometimes I worry about our next ultrasound and I had a scary dream the other night that I couldn't find our baby. For some reason I thought she was out on the porch and I actually got up and opened the door, but for the most part my intense feelings of nausea and fatigue have kept me in faith that this baby is growing and thriving.

We have our next ultra sound this upcoming Tuesday. We haven't shared with our families yet that we are pregnant, but we are hoping to share after we hit that blessed 12 week mark.

Blessed with hope, 

Jill xo

grateful

Beta #1 on 3/26 --- 117
Beta #2 on 3/30 --- 591

We are shocked and utterly grateful for these numbers. I breathed a little sigh of relief this afternoon after I spoke to the nurse at our clinic, now we have to wait for our first ultrasound to see our child and find a heartbeat.

I am so grateful. I am shocked this worked. I hoped it would work, but after so many treatments and disappointment after disappointment I was starting to feel like our treatments would be an endless cycle of attempts that would just go on forever.

Why me? I know there are so many other women who pray every day for this opportunity. I won't take a moment for granted. I will never wish this away or complain. I am so blessed.

I'm praying for a healthy development and a little baby around the first of December.

Just the thought that there will be three stockings hanging on the wall this year gets me chocked up.

Thank you God for this blessing.

Thank you all for your well wishes and support. Please pray for the continued healthy development and growth of our baby.

Jill xoxo

positive

I was on my knees thanking God this morning.

I woke up at 3 am and just laid there until 5:45, when my bladder was aching so bad that I couldn't take it any more and I knew I had to get up to take the test. I did it, but left it laying face down on the sink and then crawled back into bed with my husband.

We prayed for a while and then he got up to look at the test.

I said: "We need to see two lines."

He went into the bathroom and there was dead silence for 20 seconds. I was thinking: this isn't going to be good.

Then he walked out and said: "One line is lighter than the other, does that still count?"

Hell yes!!!

First beta today was 117. We'll take that and hopefully we are on out way to a family.

I am so humbled and grateful to be getting the opportunity to be pregnant. If I hadn't been through this struggle I would have never know how precious family is. I hope we can continue to have good luck and deliver a healthy baby in nine months, but for now I am so grateful for that second line.

I'm so grateful to our donor family, for giving us their embryos so that we can have a family. It's a priceless gift. 

Jill xoxo

the weekend

Saturday and Sunday have been good. We had a birthday party for my husband yesterday and his entire family was over at our house, so I was busy and my mind was occupied. When everyone left that evening my husband and I sat chatting on the sofa. We're hoping that we get to share good news with them soon.

I can't really claim that I have any symptoms. My breasts are bigger, but I know that's from the progesterone. I have been feeling slight twinges in my uterus, but that happened more on days 1, 2 and 3, then it's happening now. The only weird symptom that I may have is that I get winded when I walk a block, or when I've been standing on my feet for too long. It could all be the drugs.

One thing I know for sure is that I have no regrets in trying Embryo Adoption. My heart is so grateful to our donors and to all of the people online who have given me support and encouragement.

Praying for a positive in a few days. We've decided that we're not going to test until the morning of our beta. I'm traveling for work Tuesday and Wednesday and my husband has a final on Thursday - which is our BETA day. We will test that morning so that we're prepared for the news.

Will we finally get lucky? Will our prayers finally get answered?

Hoping for the best, praying I have the strength to deal with disappointment and rebound for another cycle. Trying to trust in God - that he has a plan for us and that there is JOY ahead.

Jill xoxo

transfer day + 3 days past 5 day transfer

Our transfer day was on Monday and it went as good as I had hoped that it would. Out of the three five-day embryos that we adopted from our first family, two survived. They were looking good at 3AB and 3AC just before transfer, so I'm hoping that at this point they have expanded, hatched and snuggled right into my uterus.

This was my first transfer of any kind, we didn't get to transfer anything after our failed IVF attempt this past September, so I thought I knew what to expect (and for the most part I did) but I was not expecting that alcohol swab you know where at the beginning of the transfer procedure. Whoo-EEE!

That's all I have to say.

Our road trip was uneventful, which is exactly the way we like it. I got a lot of knitting in. I'm making a baby blanket and knitting another pair of socks for myself. I'm almost done with the blanket - this has been in the works since our honeymoon. And I finished one sock.

I'm definitely knitting to distract myself from the stress of waiting for our BFP.  The only symptoms that I've had so far is that I've been really, really tired. Last night I was in bed right after supper and I had some sensitivity in my uterus - a few pinches and prickly feelings. I woke up last night with sharp jabbing pricks in my breasts, can't say with that means. Hope all these things could mean that we are pregnant.

I'm still wearing my lucky socks! I'm taking today off work and I will go back for one day tomorrow, then rest up over the weekend. We are having a family birthday party for my husband on Saturday afternoon, that I have to make some things for. My husband has been really great about doing all of the heavy lifting.

I will keep you all posted. This is really hard being the one in the "hot seat" waiting for results. It's much easier to be an observer and pray and cheer. I knew it would be this way and I'm so grateful to be where I am now.

Praying so, so hard:

Jillian

ready for the road

As I write this I'm sitting on a heating pad looking across the room at a sofa piled with everything we don't want to forget to take with us on our road trip to Tennessee.

I didn't update after my labs and ultrasound on Wednesday, but everything came back good and my lining was at 12mm.

I had my last acupuncture appointment this afternoon, and I must say I'm happy to be lessening the amount of needles in my life. These PIO shots are literally kicking my butt. I was so tired yesterday that I was in bed before 7:30 pm and my behind is very sore and achy.

My achy breaky butt!

I'm not going to complain too much though, because I am so grateful to be getting the chance to do this. I am so grateful to the two couples that donated their embryos to us. We're hoping to only transfer embryos from one family at a time if they are of good quality. Each of our donors did IVF and had twins, so we are hoping that means the embryos are healthy.

I'm praying at least two survive the thaw, because that's what we're hoping to transfer.

We'll be getting on the road early tomorrow morning and stopping somewhere in Illinois for the night, then we'll push on through to Tennessee.

I'm praying God answers our prayers and blesses us with a successful transfer and healthy pregnancy and baby. I can't believe these days are finally here. I have truly been blessed with hope.

Will you keep us in your prayers?

In hope:

Jill

embryo adoption update

We are getting close. I did my last lupron shot last night and I'm up to three estrace pills a day. This upcoming Wednesday I have a progress ultrasound and labs and if everything is looking good we're set to leave on Friday for a road trip to Knoxville, Tennessee.

I've spent the weekend cleaning and cooking and relaxing. I made chicken noodle soup using the bone broth recipe that I wrote about before. I went grocery shopping and got the ingredients to make nourishing meals to sustain us all week. I've started my list of things to pack for our road trip. We even sat down together and ordered some audio books from the library to listen to on the way there. We picked out several for our 20 hour plus trip - each way. 

Here are the socks I knit for our transfer day. I probably won't take them off my feet until we get our beta results - they will be able to run away themselves!

I feel so grateful for our donors and for our five precious embryos. I just feel good and hopeful. It is a miracle that we are here. No matter what happens, I'm going to remember that.

I'm scared. I want this so badly to work. I want to be one of those women that gets to show you a positive pee stick. I'm scared to go through with the waiting and the testing (possible disappointment/possible overwhelming joy) but that's the only way that we are going to have a family - so here I come.

Thank you everyone for all of your support. For all of your kind, kind words. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for all the ways you've lifted me up. Please pray for us in the coming days.

Sending love:

Jillian

ultrasound and labs

I had my first ultrasound and labs done today. Everything looks good and I was cleared to start the estrace tomorrow.

I'm focusing on eating healthy, getting moderate exercise, sleeping well and praying LOTS!

We're watching Survivor tonight and praying that we find out we're pregnant before the season is over.

Thank you for all of your kind comments on my previous blog.

Sending love,

Jill

preparing for our FET

The month of January went by in a flash. We started the open adoption matching process with embryos through NEDC. I'm happy to share that we've been matched with two wonderful families and we couldn't be more excited to meet our frozen embryos in March. We should be signing the adoption papers with both couples early this upcoming week.

With our transfer a little over a month away, I'm going into hyper-drive to make sure that I'm getting as many nutritious foods and vitamins as possible. I cut out caffeine at New Year's (except for a few very tiresome mornings) but now I'm becoming diligent.

Here's my preparation plan for our FET in March.

• Prenatal Vitamins 

• Daily baby aspirin (per my doctor's orders.)

• Organic Red Raspberry leaf tea -  1 to 2 cups a day leading up to our transfer day. 

• Pomegranate Juice -  Up to 8 ounces a day leading up to transfer day.

• Brazil Nuts - a handful a day after I get my final "period" before transfer. 

• Nutrient Rich Food and Soups - as much as I can get daily. I prepare all of our food from scratch, and I'm lucky that my parent's raise grass fed beef. This week I'm making a flavorful Pho soup using bone broth I made this weekend and lots of fresh organic veggies and herbs. I've really been interested in nutrient rich broths since I read "Nourishing Traditions" a cookbook by Sally Fallon. Eating this way makes sense to me. Here is where I found the recipe for the broth I made this weekend.  

• Bi/weekly acupuncture for fertility. Check out Groupon for really great deals. That's where I found mine. I was paying $78 per session, now I can get three sessions for $40.

•  Gentle yoga daily - to get the blood flowing!

• Daily walk - I have to walk into to work anyway.

• Pineapple core - post transfer

• Prayer, prayer, prayer! Ultimately this is all in God's hands and I am so grateful to our donor families and for all of the wonderful people who have helped us along the way. 

Any other suggestions that anyone might have would be greatly appreciated. Please pray for us!

Sending love:

Jillian

baby steps

Ever since we were diagnosed with infertility our life has seemed to progress by inches. Other couples have seemed to fly by us hitting milestone after milestone. The biggest of these being parenthood.

It hasn't been easy. In so many ways it seems like we're still kids to our parents and siblings because we don't have children of our own. There's a certain mark of respect - it feels like to me - that parents get from other parents just because they are parents.

It feels like you're not fully a grown up until you have your own little person to boss around.

Our journey on the path to our family has been brutal. There have been days - no weeks - that I have been so down in the dumps that I would sit in the bathroom and cry at work and then pull myself together and then drag myself back to my desk. I have had to endure the pregnancies of sisters and sister-in-laws and smile and hope with them while my own hope was broken.

It's just been . . . hard. Brutal.

But I'm proud that my husband and I didn't give up. We fought, we cried, we prayed and we healed. Embryo adoption has given us a new hope. Step by step we have jumped through the hoops required by the agencies and doctors involved and we are finally so close to our March transfer that I can almost feel the burn of my first Lupron shot.

I can't wait to stick myself.

We are expecting to receive some embryo matches from donor families by the end of the week. I hope they get here so that we can review them over the weekend.

More baby steps.

I pray one day we get to stop inching forward and fly forward into the future with a baby in our arms. I just want to watch my baby take his or her first step one day.

That's my dream.

Sending Love:

Jillian

anniversary # 3 - waffles and wine

Well, anniversary number three has come and gone.

(It was kinda anti-climatic - can you believe that?)

I bet you can.

We actually had our interview with the social worker from the National Fertility Support Center on the night of our anniversary. We were in such a hurry about dinner, because we did a call-in at 6 pm, that I made us waffles.

I also had a glass of wine.

So, all of our paperwork has been turned into the National Fertility Support Center and our social worker said that she would submit the proper paperwork to the National Embryo Donation Center on Friday.

That's tomorrow!

Then we can start being matched. 

I got my period on Tuesday, so now I only have one more cycle to go before I start birth control pills and my drug protocol in February.

We could be pregnant in March, ya'all!

Woot! Woot!

Feeling good.

Jillian

new year

Hello everyone:

Today I sent in the all of our paperwork to have our home study reviewed by the National Fertility Support Center. Our anniversary is just around the corner - next Wednesday to be exact - and a hot copy of our home study will be in the hands of the NFSC staff for their review and approval.

Ever since our failed IVF back in early September, I have been counting down the days to our 3rd Anniversary. In a way the days seemed to drag, but they also seemed to fly by. The holidays are over and I do not mourn their passing, they were darn hard to live through this year.

My husband asked me what I wanted for our Anniversary and I said I didn't want anything. I just wanted the day to finally get here.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping to stock up on all of the vitamins, supplements and healthy ingredients that I will be needing for our upcoming frozen embryo transfer in March. I've already cut out coffee.

For our first (and last) IVF cycle last summer I pumped up and avocados, whole grains, fresh fruits and water. I suspect I will try a combination of all of those things this time around. I will be starting up acupuncture again at the end of January and I will be doing an herbal cleanse during my upcoming period.

I'm considering doing an endometrial biopsy scraping the cycle before our transfer in March.
Does anyone have any feedback that they could provide me on that? Do you think it works, doesn't work? I would value some feedback.

Plus any other advice that anyone can give me on supplements or foods to load up on in the months leading up to our FET transfer.

Sending love and hope:

Jillian